Celebrating

What a weekend!

Friday was Teagan's birthday and she enjoyed the attention she got at school and her special dinner out with Christy (a tradition started last year).  We saved our family celebrations for Saturday.

We started out with pizza for lunch- Teagan's request.  We went to Pizza Hut.  We were just expecting lunch- hoping for the buffet but fine with ordering a pizza to share.  We had one of the best dining out experiences we've had in a long time.  From the time we were greeted as we walked in the door until we left, we felt like they genuinely cared about our dining experience and wanted to really make sure that Teagan felt special.  They made sure that whatever specific pizzas we wanted were on the buffet- and then gave us a heads up as they brought them from the kitchen so we could get to them before anyone else.  They brought Teagan an incredible piece of cheesecake.  And our server, Adam, really kept making sure that she was happy- and did so by talking TO her instead of talking to me about her.  We were very pleased and I made sure the people who need to know were informed.

Any time you want Zach to sit quietly- give him a comic book.  Doesn't matter that he can't read the words. He will sit fully absorbed in a comic book for 15-20 minutes.

After lunch, it was movie time!  We got to the theatre and bought the tickets.  Jeff went inside to save the seats that Teagan specifically had decided on with her friends- the very back row.  I waited out front with Teagan and then got all the kids inside, quick potty stop, then into the theatre.  I rushed back up front to get concessions- 4 kid packs of popcorn and drinks, 2 hot dog combos (all for the kids- Jeff and I had nothing).  The kids had a BLAST.  I loved watching them watch the movie and paying attention to which parts they laughed at our connected with.  And I have to admit the movie was cuter than I expected.

After getting all the kids off with their parents, we took our 2 kids for a sweet celebration at Gigi's Cupcakes.  Zach went for the wedding cake (white cake, white buttercream frosting).  He didn't want to use the fork provided so he got creative in his consumption method.

Teagan thought that would work well for her key lime cupcake, too!

Then it was time to head to one of our local high schools (we have 2 in our district) for a special district wide art show.  I don't know a lot about the event.  We just received notification on Thursday from the art teacher that Teagan had a piece of art that had been selected for the show. But every art teacher from every school in the entire district selected art pieces from their students to be displayed.  Each school had an easel area for drawings and paintings and a table for sculptures.  This is Teagan's "Clay Bird."

The art show was made even more special because our pastor and his wife, my friend Paulette, were there because their daughter, Faith (whom Teagan adores), was playing the piano for the event.  Paulette was excited to show us where Teagan's bird was and Teagan loved the attention from one of her favorite families.  Then Faith played "Happy Birthday" to her and you could tell that Teagan felt special at that moment.

Final stop of the night was to see Jeff's parents.  They had gifts for Teagan, of course.  And Teagan was thrilled- Mimi always picks out great clothes for her.  Jeff and I were exhausted by this time so we opted to stop at Shake N Steak for dinner and we were excited when Jeff's parents walked in a few minutes after us and joined us for dinner!

It was a day packed with celebration and fun.  Teagan felt special many times throughout the day and I know she has many memories to cherish!

March 16

It's a special day in our family!  We plan to spend much of this weekend celebrating.

Today, Teagan is 7 years old.

I've shared her 4th, 5th and 6th birthdays on the blog.

This year, Teagan has been really interested in learning more about when she was a baby and when she was born and stories from my pregnancy.

The birth story that Teagan hears is:

For many week before Teagan was born, Mommy and Daddy would enjoy some time together watching a TV show called "Jeopardy."  We watched it every night at 7:30 and enjoyed trying to guess the answers before the players did.  On the day Teagan was born, we had gone to the hospital just after lunch time.  The doctors and nurses didn't think Teagan would be born until much later at night, but Mommy and Daddy knew better.  We told Teagan, in my belly, that she needed to be born before Jeopardy came on.

She was born at 7:29.

Now, for those who love a detailed birth story, I am glad to say that I did write hers out within a few days of her birth.  Sadly, I didn't do the same for Zachary- I was far more exhausted and his birth was a lot harder on me.  Here is Teagan's very detailed birth story:

I started having cramping and possible contractions on Tuesday at lunchtime. Went home early from work. Christy came over and we went out walking the neighborhood for over an hour. The pains stopped and I was exhausted. I had hoped that the walking would bring on labor but it didn't seem to work.

Woke up Weds morning at 6 to get ready for work. Cramping like crazy and feeling really odd. Called in and started to really look forward to that afternoon's doctor visit because I had high hopes for some good news about progression towards labor. Jeff headed off to work. Around 9, I noticed that the cramps were becoming more intense and more regular. And more all over my stomach. Around 10, I called Jeff and told him he might want to be home within the next hour because this could be it. Called the doctor's office and told them what was going on and asked if I could come in earlier than my 2:15 appt. They asked some questions and told me to come in right away. I called Jeff back and told him to come home right away- we needed to get to the doctor's office. 

Jeff got home, we took off. These are feeling more and more like contractions but I'm still not convinced that this is the day. We see Dr. Payne and he checks me- I'm dialated to 4 and am 90% effaced- time to head to the hospital! 

We get to the hospital around noon. I actually had to sit through admitting while having contractions. We complained about that- not a big deal but it was annoying. When we had our false start on Sunday, they took me to a room right away and Jeff handled admitting for me.

Anyway, they got us into Labor and Delivery Room 9. The contractions are definitely regular and more intense and I can no longer deny what is happening. The pain is pretty managable and Jeff is doing a great job coaching me though them. At 1:30, Dr. Wright checks me and determines that we should break my water. They do and there is a lot of meconium- so the NICU is alerted to be ready when we deliver as she will need extra suctioning attention to remove the meconium from her body. Once my water was broken, the contractions were beyond intense. It was a pain that I cannot put into words. I became very gutteral and withdrawn during the contractions. I would still respond to Jeff's coaching to breath and relax but was groaning out each breath. The neatest thing was the immense feeling of relaxation that occured between each contraction- that let down feeling was incredible. However, the contractions weren't worth that feeling! They got so bad that I was crying and on the verge of not being able to focus and when offered an epidural, I took it. I feel like it was the best decision I made.

Relief was almost immediate and I was then exhausted from the 3 hours of hard contractions (2 after the water breaking) and was able to sleep off and on. We got the epidural around 3:00. Jeff was so wonderful during that epidural. They were adjusting my bed to do the procedure and needed me to sit up. When I started to sit up, a contraction came on. Jeff had been helping me sit up and when the contraction started, I couldn't move forward or backward because the pain was unreal. My husband stood there, braced himself, and kept me in my position with one hand until the contraction was over. He was a hero! During the epidural, he stayed with me and kept his face over mine so I wouldn't raise my head and so that I would feel comforted- which I did. He was everything I needed and more. Anything I asked for- lip balm, ice chips, etc- he was on it. Frequently, I didn't even have to ask as he would just offer.

At 4:30, I was checked and had dialated to a 5. The nurse thought we would probably deliver around 11 or 12 that night.

Around 5:30, our nurse determined that there was something wrong with my contraction monitor. We'd been having trouble with it the whole time- it didn't want to register my contractions. So, she had called Dr Wright to see if we should use an internal monitor. He came to do the monitor at 6:00. He checks me first and it turns out that in an hour and a half I had gone from a 5 to a 10 and was ready to push!

The epidural had spread evenly throughout my lower half and then, because of how I was propped up, I began to feel contractions on my left side. They didn't hurt but I was aware of when a contraction would start. When it was time to start pushing, I was no longer tilting to one side- I was evened out. And I had no sensation in my right leg! The nurse stayed on my right and Jeff stayed on my left. Since the monitor wasn't working, my job was to tell the nurse when I felt a contraction. She would hold up one leg and Jeff was instructed on how to hold the other while still giving me his hand to hold when I pushed. I was coached to push from my gut- like doing crunches.

I pushed for an hour and 10 minutes. A second nurse joined us around 7- shift change- but our first nurse still stayed with us to finish the job! After that hour and 10, the doctor was called in- and told he had better hurry because I could have the baby at any second. I was actually told to not push for the next couple of contractions! Dr Wright arrived, I did a few sets of 3 pushes. I could feel her coming and on the last push, I did the 3 and they asked if I could go four- but I was already going for 4! Her head came out and I began to cry. I couldn't even put into words everything I was feeling. 

I pushed again when instructed and our beautiful baby girl was born. She was placed on my stomach for initial suctioning and cord cutting. I couldn't see all of her- but did see her right shoulder and arm. She shot her little hand straight up in the air and I put my finger in her palm and she grabbed on so tight! Then she was taken to the warmer so the NICU team could get her cleaned out. Just hearing her cry made me cry more. I told Jeff that I was fine and that he could go and be with her and he went and held her hand and got to meet his baby girl for the first time.

I was bleeding very heavily and extra measures were taken to stop the bleeding. Teagan was eventually suctioned out and we got the news that she wouldn't have to stay in the NICU nursery. Once I was done being stitched (episiotomy) and my bleeding was under control, Teagan was brought to me. I was so overjoyed. She was (and is) absolutely perfect in every way! 

Busy Weeks Ahead!

Our lives have become insanely busy.  Again.  As usual, I suppose.

Over the course of the weekdays, Jeff or I have commitments at least 3 nights of each week.  That's on top of the regular stuff- cramming in homework, bath time, down time, bedtime into the 90 minutes we get to spend with our kids each evening and sometimes squeezing in errands in that time, too.  We've had bigger and bigger homework projects and school events for each child and that definitely adds some stress (like having to plan and build a leprechaun trap).

As I look at the calendar at our weekends,  I'm exhausted and excited by all we have going on.

This weekend, we celebrate Teagan's birthday.  She is going out to dinner Friday night with Christy (sushi, of course).  We are taking a group of friends to see The Lorax on Saturday.  Sunday is our church's 10 year anniversary so there is a special church service and luncheon afterwards.  Sometime Sat or Sun, we will be going to a school district art show- Teagan has a piece of art that was selected to be featured.  Sunday afternoon, Teagan has Daisy Scouts.  Sometime Sunday afternoon, I will be getting a text to start a special project for work for about an hour.  Sunday night, Jeff and I podcast with Dave after the kids are in bed.

The next weekend, I am spending all day Saturday with the young women from our youth group at The Revolve Tour.  I had the pleasure of an overnight trip last year for this event.  I will miss the road trip and overnight aspect of this year's event but am excited for this time with these young women.

The following weekend kicks off Spring Break.  There will be time where the kids are away at Grandma's house, time where Jeff is off for some gaming, time off of work for me.  Spring Break goes right into Easter weekend.

The calendar has events scheduled throughout April- evenings, weekends, and the ongoing high demands of our jobs and school- and well into May.

I'm tired.  A lot of the things we do are things that revive my soul or refresh my spirit.  This past weekend was a solitary little island of downtime where Jeff took the opportunity to try and turn me into a gamer (more on that another time).  It was a nice weekend of time at home where we truly ignored our responsibilities and just did a lot of vegging out.

But it feels like we are running non-stop.

I started to daydream of a getaway... something where we don't have the chaos of the messiness and demands of our house... something where we could be outdoors and get fresh air... something where we can sit and relax...

It made me realize that our getaways over the past couple of years have been fun but busy.  We come back refreshed and full of fun memories but still tired.  We go somewhere and we have an agenda, a plan, a list of things to see and do and experience.

So I am on a mission.  I am trying to find a cabin or lakehouse in a secluded area where we can spend a long weekend.  I've been pinning ideas like Brown County, Indiana cabins onto Pinterest.  I sat too long on the cabin I was eyeing and it became booked.  I started expanding my search to other parts of Indiana.  I don't want to drive more than 2 hours- keeping that busy-ness and stress down.

I found a lakehouse on Lake Freeman that I am hoping to get.  I've contacted the owners and am waiting to hear back.  I'm already daydreaming of the afternoons with the kids playing in this fenced in yard, the mornings where I take my coffee out to the boathouse to sit by the water, the evenings where we play board games or do fun activities, the baking I can do with the kids.  I'm already planning out how we would pack the van- we plan to take the dogs- and what shopping would need to happen and if we should take our bikes and...

I'm ready to go.  I'm ready for a break.  I'm ready to sit and breathe.  I'm hoping that this works out and the home is available and that we can make this work.  I think we all need it.

Mean Girl

My daughter's mean side has come out once again.

I've written about our experiences with our daughter being a bully starting in Kindergarten, again in 1st grade, and realizing things about her personality that play into her bullying.

Last night, more evidence of her mean side came through.

Over winter break, Teagan had a playdate with a little girl in her class.  The playdate included another boy they are friends with and a girl that the host girl is friends with from her old school.  By all accounts from the kids and the parents, everyone had a great time.  Teagan has continued to be good friends with the 2 kids who go to her school.  The other girl has never been mentioned since.

Yesterday, I was checking the papers in Teagan's school folder to check her schoolwork and see about her homework for that evening.  My heart stopped when I found this:

Looks innocent enough- until you read it.  "Laniy, are enmey."  Erased in pencil at the top "I hat you."

I stood with it in my hand and asked Teagan, "What is this?"

She froze.  She got upset.  She apologized.  I opened it up.

"Mean Laniy. Like a grila. I think you are nice. But you are mean. You hit Elizabeth in the face. I do not like your family."

Wow.  Now, part of me wanted to laugh.  Like a gorilla??  But most of me was hurting inside because my daughter had to have been filled with a drive to be cruel.  She had an audience- a friend in her class- that she showed it to and they laughed.  Then she put it away in her folder and forgot that she was bringing it home.

The back of the card.

"I am not your friend. I am onley friends with nice people. Mean people or you (couldn't read the rest)"

Now, this kid doesn't go to Teagan's school.  This wasn't shown to this girl.  This wasn't seen by the in-common friend who hosted the playdate (she was out sick yesterday).  This was something Teagan says she did on her own and laughed about with another friend.

She cried.  She apologized.

I don't know how but I stayed calm throughout.  But I was pretty dang mad about it.

I talked about how writing such mean things about someone you don't even know really tells me that Teagan is feeling some yucky stuff inside of herself.  That I can tell she is feeling bad on the inside because her evening up until that point had been emotional and whiny.

So she didn't exactly bully.  But she pulled a mean girl stunt to gain approval from another friend.  I asked how she thought the in-common friend would have felt if she had seen what Teagan wrote.  I asked how Teagan would feel if someone else wrote that about one of her friends- or about her.

No TV in our house last night.  She was just sitting down to eat when I found it so she finished dinner, got a shower, off to bed.  Homework had already been completed at that point.  After she was showered and in her pajamas, I asked her to write 10 nice things about this other girl, "Laniy."  Jeff pointed out that she might not be able to since she doesn't know her very well.  I explained to her and to him- that's my point.  If you can sit down and writ mean things about someone you don't really know, then you can certainly sit down and write nice things.  10 nice things about this girl, 10 things about Teagan that are nice.

This morning, we talked about finding 3 ways to be kind at school today- beyond the basics of what she already does and already enjoys.

Jeff and I talked about our fears- that when she is a teen, she will be one of those uber-popular mean girls and will be heading up the Burn Book and tagging other kids to get picked on and directing her minions to do her bullying for her.  And that's why we address it every time it comes up.  We could have just laughed off that card.  We could have joked about it.  We could have made light of it.  We could have ignored it and just thrown it away.

But my daughter is someone who needs more than that.  My daughter needs some consistent redirection when this side of her comes out.  And that is what she will get from us each and every time something like this happens.

WW: Week 5

This is going to be a grumbly, complainy, mad post.

I have really struggled the past several days.

I take that back.  No struggle- I've just been making crappy choices whenever I feel like it.  I've made minimal effort and haven't really thought about my choices.  So no struggle- just bad choices.

I'm hoping that this morning was my turning point.  I don't know why but I decided to swing through the Hardee's drive thru- just to get a Diet Dr. Pepper.  It was truly my intent.  But then I found myself staring at the "fully loaded burrito."  It's bad because of the big tortilla, the large amount of cheese, and the 3 different kinds of processed crap, er, meat.  BAD.  There is NOTHING about this menu item that is a good choice.  There is nothing on the menu at Hardee's EVER that is a healthy choice.  EVER.

But I ordered it.  And I ate it.  I got halfway through and thought "If I throw it out the window now, it will be a half serving instead of a full serving."  But I kept eating- figured I could take it to 3/4 of a serving.  Then I ate every bite.  I felt gross almost right away when my head cleared and I realized what I'd done.  Part of me started to imagine pulling over and making myself throw it back up.  But I can't make myself throw up- the idea makes my skin crawl.

I came to work and forced myself to plug in the info on Weight Watchers.

20 points.  I get 34 points a day and I just consumed more than I have normally consumed by 4 pm within the first hour of my day.

I don't know if I want to cry or curl up in a ball or what.  This sucks.  I'm not one to wallow in regret but I sure am today.  I feel like I need to be on a liquid diet the rest of the day.

So... silver lining... this will definitely inspire me to get to the gym today at lunch.  I am going to the YMCA this evening to learn the strength training equipment so there is another opportunity to burn some of this bad choice off my body.

This is also the most honest and open I've been about my eating habit.  It feels weird to be so honest- to confess.  Maybe part of food's power is the shame associated with our choices?

Last week, I didn't get to the gym as often as I wanted to and my diet was mediocre.  Weigh in is later today and I'm guessing I will regret it- I'm betting on at least a 2 lb gain this week.  Check back in this afternoon...

I lied. Check back tomorrow. Went to the gym, did 2 miles in intervals (yay! I ran!), and completely forgot about the scale.  


3/13 Update:  Well, color me shocked!  I lost my bet.  Not a 2 pound gain at all.  In fact, it's a 2 lb loss!  Say what??  My eating habits Fri-Sun were pretty crappy and then there was this whole burrito incident.  But somehow, I'm still doing better than I was before!  And I worked off that burrito yesterday- did my 2 miles running intervals at the gym at lunch, walked 30 miles on a slight incline at the Y in the evening, and then did a strength circuit at the Y.  I feel great today!

Friday Fragments - No Catchy Title

Today is the day that Amanda buries her 3 year old son, Elias.  Please pray for her and her family often today.  Check my posts from earlier this week if you want more information.  If you feel called to help this family, I have 2 ways you can do so.  1.  There is an online auction happening on Facebook.  Bidding just opened at 8 a.m. EST today and goes through Sunday.  Bid high, bid often.  There are items to bid on and there is also a space where you can pledge a donation to the family.  2.  If you have PayPal and would like to simply make a donation, donations are being taken via Pledgie.  Through both of these efforts, the hope is that we can alleviate the cost of the funeral, take care of the medical bills (would like to prevent them from even showing up- what a horrible reminder), and raise money for everyday expenses.  Amanda's husband is self-employed so if he can't work, there is no money being generated, there is no company giving paid time off or offering financial assistance.

I've made some changes and updates on the old blog.  Reposted some of my pages up above, changed up the background, cleaned up a few things.

Ever noticed that when you get a nice little windfall, the money just flows back out again that much faster?

I thought I had a lot of fragments saved up.  But I don't.  My heart aches for Amanda and her family.  My mind keeps imagining the horror that they are living through, the moments they are facing, the things they are forced to survive, the very long road ahead.

Trying to decide on plans for Spring Break.  My kids will be spending time with Grandma and will be away from home for the longest stint they've ever been away from us.  I am really looking forward to that time- not just for me and Jeff but also for them.  I have a lot of fond and precious memories of time spent visiting my grandparents for a week or more every summer and in the winter.  For the rest of that week, we are considering a getaway to the middle of nowhere- renting a cabin for a few nights and just being out in nature with no list of things to do, no agenda, no touristy stops.

Hug your kids.  Kiss your spouse.  Count your blessings.

Love

When I was in college, there was a classmate down the hall in my dorm who was known for being a pothead.  She and her boyfriend and her circle of friends were known for sneaking off into the woods and partaking.

I remember talking to her one night about why she chose to smoke as much as she seemed to smoke.  Her response was that she was hooked on the love.

She explained that she'd had this experience where she'd gotten stoned and was then talking to her mom and she could just see and feel so much love flowing from her mom and felt so much love flowing towards her mom that she knew she had to keep having that experience.

"I love love."  Those were her words.

What was sad to me was that the only way she could feel and experience that kind of love in herself and in her life was under the influence of a drug- that she couldn't see that by having that experience while stoned meant the experience was false.

But her words- "I love love" - still stay with me now.

It sounds corny, it sounds like some stoned hippy tenet, it sounds juvenile.

But it's absolutely true.

I love love.  I am passionate about love.  I am crazy about love.

This has been a really hard week.  I've written about the very unexpected death of a very young boy.  There's been a lot more going on- I've had many friends reaching out, needing prayers, needing support.  Friends who have children making dangerous choices, friends who are reeling from old wounds being reopened, friends who are the victims of others' hurtful words and choices, friends who are facing a difficult anniversary, friends who are facing the moving away of a best friend... there's just a lot of hurt happening for people that I care about right now.

My wish is that all of the people somehow connected to me who are experiencing pain, who are hurting, who are lacking hope, who are angry, who are acting out... would realize that they are loved, would feel and experience the love flowing into them.

I love love.  I love loving my kids, my husband, my family.  I love loving my friends, my close friends, my distant friends.  I had something of an "ah ha" moment about a year ago when I suddenly felt called to love someone that I would normally be angry with or dismiss due to differing viewpoints or might pity.  Since that moment, I have found myself more willing to hear the other side of someone's story.  I've been more aware of what is going on in someone's life that might be driving some of their anger.

I had a conversation with someone recently that showed me just how much there are still people who cling to their blinders- who don't want to see the world beyond the black and white definitions they have given it.  But I believe that love is the thing that will crack open the black and white and start to bleed in some color.  I believe that when someone is loved and experiences love in a deep and unexpected way, that is when their eyes become open to how much more life has to offer.

So to all my friends who have hurts and wounds and scars... whether I know about them or not... if you want to share with me or not... Please know that you are loved.  As much as I can, I am sending my love to you.  When I hug you, when I hold your hand, when I send you a message- those are acts of love.

I have felt for a long time that my purpose in this life is to love others.  I believe that God's greatest gift to us is this thing called love.  I believe that there are many people who have very limited definitions or experiences of what love really means.

Which is why it is so important for me to continue to proclaim that I love love. Love defies definition, as much as we may try.  Love is available for anyone and all people deserve it.  Love has so many levels and intricacies and specialties and meanings.  When I say "I love you" to my husband, it's the same but different from saying it to my kids, my mom, my brothers, my friends.   This kind of love is different than romantic love.  This love that I feel comes from a special place and I am fortunate to find myself overflowing with it.

I love love.