I have a confession to make. About myself. As a mom.
And here's the thing - what I really don't want is accolades and pats on the back and people telling me that I'm a good mom and I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
I know I'm a good mom. But I also know I have a big area of weakness and I know it needs work. And the main thing that has always made me a good mom is that I seek to do better, to be better.
I have a temper.
I am a yeller.
I want to be a calm parent.
I sometimes yell because my temper goes off the hook and my child (to be honest, it's usually Teagan) has pushed that exact button and I lose my calm and I yell. I don't name call, I don't say cruel things. But I yell to get my point across.
Sometimes I yell to be heard.
Sometimes I yell to rush people.
I yell to feel bigger. I yell when I'm being lazy. I yell when I'm impatient.
There isn't much that's positive about being a yeller.
I do think that a firm tone, a raised voice helps kids realize the level of seriousness.
But when mom is quick to yell or lose her temper... there is no level of seriousness, there is only levels of angry vs not angry.
I'm not teaching when I yell.
Yes, I am. But I'm not teaching what I want to be teaching.
Part of why I don't like it when I yell is because when I yell, I'm just trying to be the boss. I'm not trying to actually teach and parent and guide. I just want my kid to do exactly what I want them to do on my own timeline.
And there are times that this type of obedience is important.
And there are times that I need to get over myself.
I know I'm not alone in being a yeller. And I'm not alone in wanting to change. I know lots of bloggers have put out campaigns and confessions. Books have been written.
But this isn't about any of that. This is about 2 children that live in my home. This is about my marriage - my husband doesn't like that I yell. We both have areas where we need to improve as parents. Yelling is the biggest one on my list.
My children deserve and need forgiveness and grace and guidance. And I need to be the one who provides it.
I need to love my kids in the same supportive and gentle and loving way that I love my friends, strangers, my extended family.
And I need to start today.