Women of Faith

I will admit that I didn't expect to get as much from Women of Faith as I did.  I thought I'd enjoy it and enjoy the time with my friends.  I thought I'd hear some great speakers and music.  I thought I'd be uplifted and I thought I'd cry and laugh.  And all of that happened. 

I didn't expect the complete reboot of my spiritual system.

First step when you encounter a computer problem?  You call the IT guy and he says... "Did you restart your machine?"

This weekend, I restarted my machine. 

In yesterday's post, I shared some of what I realized about what life had been doing to me lately, about my need to refocus, and about how I felt too visible and exposed.

There was so much more and there will never be words for all of it.  And it's the kind of thing you have to experience and soak in and then you realize afterwards the impact it all had.

*****

Monkeys In Your Cage

Dr. Henry Cloud spoke about a variety of topics but one thing really stayed with me.

He spoke of behavioral experiements done with monkeys a few decades ago where the scientists wanted to learn about stress and fear and the impact those things have on our systems.  They would put a monkey in an enclosed environment and expose the monkey to high stress factors- loud noises, flashing lights, and so on.  They would then study the brain waves and chemical changes of the monkey- like the rising cortisol levels.  Cortisol is known as the "stress hormone."  Next, the researchers wanted to understand how the monkey could best manage the stress.

They took the monkey's companion- the monkey that was present and well known to the stressed out monkey- and put the companion monkey into the stressful environment with the initial monkey. 

Cortisol levels dropped by half.

We all need a monkey in our cage when we are going through the stress of life.  No matter how big or how small those stresses are, having another monkey with us helps us get through it.

I'm very fortunate to have some great monkeys in my cage.  I just have to remember to unclench my fists from my eyes and see that they are close by and reach out for them.

*****

Don't Forget To Prune

Dr. Cloud also talked about endings and pruning.  "What is in your today that doesn't fit in your tomorrow?"  What is holding you back, what do you need to let go of, what is keeping you from blossoming?  Am I doing what God called me to do or am I doing what the people around me want me to do?  Sometimes, pruning means having to cut something good.  Just because it's good doesn't mean it's what is best for your life's purpose.

If this speaks to you, I encourage you to click over to Facebook and check out this video of Dr. Cloud explaining it.

*****

The Shepherd Knows Where To Find Me

Sheila Walsh is a woman with a story vastly different from my own but who understands the tragedy, suffering, and turmoil of a bad past.  She's lived an amazing life and I found myself entranced as she shared some pretty intense and horrible things from her personal story that are on the same level of the horrible things that are part of my own personal story.  And then she shared the story of a serious rock bottom time in her life and the intensely personal interaction she had with a Messenger of God.

I hope the story was true. 

The message was true- no matter how far I stray, no matter how lost I am, no matter where I try to hide, my Shepherd will find me, my Father always loves me.

*****

It Is Well With My Soul

I don't think words can express the amazing experience I had on this one... and even the video won't fully capture it.  But when Natalie Grant sang an a capella version of "It Is Well" and 10,000 women sang back to her and she had tears and we all had tears and I get chills just thinking about how beautiful it all was... it was the essence and epitome of what Women of Faith is about.  We were singularly connected and woven together with the music while we reached for God in worship. 

You can watch video of the experience here.

*****

Emotional Release Can Be Physically Draining

Oddly, I'm not sure I can go there again right now.   I'll just say that Angie Smith's words touched me deeply and connected me to pain from my miscarriage in 2004 that I didn't realize was still so raw.  I was so glad to have good friends on each side of me who allowed me to sob in my seat and who held me hands as I cried and who hugged me as soon as I was ready.  Angie spoke before our lunch break and I felt exhausted and eager to retreat throughout the afternoon.  I was still eager to hear and experience more, to fill up my soul and spirit.  But my heart and was unexpectedly drained.  And I think I needed to go to that place in order to be truly open to everything the weekend had offered to me.

*****

I think that covers the most important things that I took away from the weekend.  This was my first time attending Women of Faith and I am eager for it to be here again next year.  My day at work today was different- I was filled with God's grace and eager to face the tasks ahead of me.  I also really value the time I spent with women from my church.  For any of you who read this- I value every moment.  From clapping and hip bumping during the music to hand holding during my break down to getting away for lunch to a night of laughter, snacks, and a little bit of wine to making a new friend who seems like a long lost sister.

I think the thing about Women of Faith that is so important is that all of these things I took away from the event would end up being far less important in my life if I didn't have my church family, my church sisterhood, to help me stay connected and plugged in. 

"And this is the part where I just back away and hope my words fade with me... or maybe I say The End."

The Visible Woman

There is a lot that I took away from the Women of Faith event I attended on Friday and Saturday.  I am eager to share it and also to record it so I can remember the things that touched my heart.

- Make sure you have monkeys in your cage.

- Don't forget to prune.

- The Shepherd knows where to find me.

- It is well with my soul.

- Emotional release can be physically draining.

Women of Faith is a big gathering of women from a variety of Christian faiths who come together to be renewed and strengthened.  Yes, there is crying.  And lots of laughter.  And there's hugging and eating and bonding and late night talking, too.

The conference itself is set up like a big concert- there is a stage set up in the middle of the space and giant screens at the top of the stage so you feel like you are face to face no matter how far away you are.  There are speakers- not boring stand at a podium and lecture speakers.  These are storytellers.  They share parts of themselves, their life experience, their life stories and how God impacts, saves, lifts, and carries them. 

One woman, Nicole Johnson, is well known for her dramatic presentation.  She is an actress and writes her own monologues for Women of Faith.  This year, she also shared her own personal story. 

One of the monologues she presented is called "The Invisible Woman."  I've shared a YouTube video of it below.



It's a powerful piece that I know many women connect with.  I've heard many of my mom friends talk about feeling invisible, feeling like they lose themselves, feeling like they aren't seen or heard.

I think I have the opposite problem.

As I sat and listened to Nicole's monologue, I felt disconnected from it.  I appreciated it because of the feelings I've heard others express.  But she wasn't telling my story so I didn't feel the words ringing with me in a deep way. 

I feel like I'm the Visible Woman.  And I think this is where a lot of my stress and frustration has been stemming from.

I'm not going to do the "you don't know how stressful it is to be popular!" thing.  I've always hated to hear that.  "You don't know how hard it is to be this pretty, this smart, to have this many friends." 

But at the same time, I'm realizing that it's true.

The more attention you get, the more pressure there is to keep giving what you've become known for. 

When I am living my life authentically for God, it all comes naturally.  I can focus on the things in front of me, I can carry the burdens of others, I can balance work and home and fun and commitments, I can make my kids feel special, my husband feel important, and my friends and family feel appreciated.  I can take on any extra porjects thrown my way at work, I can agree to doing this one special favor for this friend or that, I can be present and available and real with my blogging.

Lately, I've been wishing I could be a little bit more invisible.  I've been wanting to be seen less, heard less.  I've been wanting others to notice me less. 

I've worked hard for years to be good at what I do at work.  And now I'm facing the biggest challenges of my career thus far.  Making it through this season, which doesn't yet seem to have an end in sight, might mean a lot of great things.  But I'm questioning my ability to make it through this season with this workload, these expectations, these requirements. 

I've lived my life to be available to others.  I know that I've suffered greatly in the past and could easily lean on the excuses of my past breaking me, damaging me.  But the truth is that I am completely whole and strong and healthy and because I've known some intense and awful hardships, I know how much I can carry, how deep I can go for my friends.  When someone is facing intense personal struggle, I know I can be there in a unique way.

I expose myself pretty openly on my blog.  I write from my heart, passionately.  I have no clear niche- I just write what I feel.  I don't write with a purpose or intent.  I have no goals or expectations.  And in being open and honest and sometimes raw and deep, I've been honored to be part of being a special and positive impact on the lives of people I've never met. 

At home, I'm often looked to as the decision maker, the planner, the fixer, the one to ask, the one who knows.  Jeff is a partner in our family- don't misunderstand me.  I generally feel like I'm the one filling out all the forms, I'm the one managing the calendar, I'm the one stating what needs to be done and when. 

I'm pretty highly Visible.

When I am living fully and authentically in my faith, those things all balance pretty easily.

Things have gotten thrown out of balance lately and I don't thin kmy response to it has been the right one.

I have turned to God, but I'm now realizing I've done so with my own limitations.

"God, Help me through this added stress at work.  Help me to accept the demands and expectations and requests with grace and strength.  Help me to keep my family a priority.  I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel so please just get me through to the end, help me get to the goal."

See, I decided what the end was for the new job function.  I decided that there needed to be a point where the stress would stop.  I was looking to the future I had decided on.

And once I did that at work, I started doing it in other places, too.  I was asked to help with something and instead of just praying for guidance in how I could best serve Him as I helped others, I focused on what I was asked to do.  I got caught up in the start of first grade and my conversations with God were about my feelings of anxiety and my concerns for Teagan's adjustment, but I never turned that stuff over to Him and never prayed for strength and never decided to just trust Him.

I've been feeling incredibly Visible and Raw and Ragged and Exposed lately. 

Listening to this monologue made me realize that I was longing to feel Invisible.

And that was a red flag.  No one should be feeling like they want to be invisible when so many are wishing someone would just notice them, hear them, see them.  I knew I needed to find balance instead of dreaming of extremes.

I don't have it figured out yet.  But I at least know what I need to work on going forward.  I can't continue to live like I have for the past 4 months.  I just can't. 

I don't necessarily want to change anything with my current circumstances.

I just need to make sure I am focused in the right direction.