I Lied To You

I apologize. Honesty and truthfulness and trustworthiness and all that is of the utmost importance to me and I have done you a disservice but not giving you, my readers, that same courtesy.

I know I said I wouldn't do it. But... I had to. In all honesty (finally), it's something I've been intending to do for a long time and I simply slacked off, got disorganized, and was eventually so overwhelmed that I gave up trying and was just limping along.

For the past 2 years on this blog, I have said that I don't make resolutions. This year, I lied.

This year... I made a resolution. Silently. I didn't want to say anything and then fail immediately. And it kind of started on accident. But it is truly something that has been on my mind, in my heart for some time now.

Over the past many months, I stopped being a good commenter.

The weekend of the New Year, I sat down and, over the course of that Saturday, organized my blog list. I visited every single blog and deleted it if it was dead or gone or if I , honestly, didn't read it and knew I wouldn't commit to it. I married up my dashboard with the blog list on my blog sidebar. I don't know what number I started with and ended with. I know that my 2 lists did not match and that was where I was ending up lost, confused, overwhelmed.

And since I put in all that work, I made a commitment. A resolution, if you will. When I started blogging, I used my dashboard to make daily or regular visits to the blogs I found and connected with. And I commented whenever I felt moved to do so- which was often. I'm not known for not having something to say, so commenting wasn't a challenge.

But lately... I'd pop over to a blog and read it. And leave. *hanging head in shame* I had a couple of bloggers that I would always comment for, would always work to stay connected with. But the others... I just didn't put in the effort. No excuses. Even worse, I got to the point that I would see a blog post on my dashboard, read the little header and teaser and see whatever image might be showing... and wouldn't even click over to the blog to read the full entry. Shameful, shameful.

I looooove having people visit my blog. I loooooove comments. I looooove when bloggers reply to comments left for them- by e-mail or on the blog itself. I loooooove connecting with other bloggers and not just in a one sided, behind the scenes, I'm lurking and you don't know I'm here kind of way.

I am back. I am getting back to connecting, commenting, visiting, reading, and so on. I know why I pulled back, why I disconnected... I got burned a few months back. But there is no reason to doubt others because of one, right?

So watch out... I'm commenting. I'm sharing opinions and support. You might not always like what I have to say. But I promise that I am back to being honest with you.

So... do you forgive me?

I'm Fat Susan

Do you watch Desperate Housewives? Did you catch Sunday's episode? Each housewife had a "dream," a set of "what ifs" that took them on a flash forward.

They started with Susan. What if... she and Karl hadn't broken up when she caught him cheating on her? In the sequence, she ends up fat. She stuffs her rage and shame and hurt with food and ends up fat. And when they cut to that first future scene and there she is in the fat suit...


It was me. Except... I'm fatter.

And something inside me snapped. It always takes something for us to sit up and take notice, to launch into action. Seeing Susan fat... and really identifying with how she looked... it hit me. Hard.

I've been waiting for my motivation. I've been thinking about it. I've been cajoling myself, poking around in my brain, trying to find where that motivation went. It's been months since I was really on track with exercise and making better food choices. I've been making excuses for this round tummy I've grown... I love my baby pooch but this is a monster fat belly- totally different. I've been trying to ignore how ill fitting my clothes have become, how uncomfortable I am in my own skin.

I'm fat. I'm grossly overweight. I'm terrified to set foot on my Wii Fit for fear of the shrieks and screams it will emit as it attempts to get me to step down so it can breath.

So I'm joining my blog buddy, Amy, and taking the next 12 weeks to a Better Me. She's a featured participant in the American Heart Association of Indiana's Go Red for a BetterU program. She's blogging about her experiences on her blog and on the program's blog. I'm so eager to read along- I've read every post so far and I've read along with her thoughts over at Fit City (one of my fave posts is this one- on Fear) and... she and I just seem to mentally be in similar places with our bodies, our weight, our habits. And I just know... that everything she is going to learn and gain (and lose) over the next 12 weeks is not only a fantastic opportunity for HER, it's a fantastic opportunity for ME.

So I'm doing it. I started yesterday. The BetterU program has a little widget you can set on your desktop, on your blog, on your Facebook page to help you set weekly goals and rewards, to journal progress and thoughts, to learn more about heart disease and women.

My goal for week 1 is to go to the gym for 30 min treadmill sessions at least 3 days this week. I will also get back on that Wii Fit at least once. And if I make my goal? I can have lunch out on Friday with friends (Christy? You available?). I need to set separate goals for weekdays and weekends. So my weekend goal is to get on the Wii Fit at least once OR do 30 minutes of physical activity at home- like marching in place while watching TV.

For right now, I am focused on getting physical activity back into my life, my routine. Next step will be to improve my eating plan... well, to have a healthy eating plan. I have an eating plan right now- eat what I want, when I want it. My diet is atrocious. Fast food. Candy. Junk. Soda. And the kicker is that I love fruits and vegetables! But I lack the discipline to incorporate them into regular parts of my diet.

Anyone care to join me? Join us?

What I Mean When I Say "Pro-Choice"

I've got your attention now, don't I??

I think it's pretty well known to my readers that I stay pretty soundly left of center when it comes to politics and social issues and whatever.

When it comes to pro-choice and pro-life... I admit to being pro-choice.

I am not pro-abortion.

I believe in a woman having choices. And I believe that no one should judge a woman for the choices she makes.

And one of those choices is adoption.

I used to work in therapeutic foster care and was honored to be part of the adoption of one of my kids. And I saw the kids that wanted to go back home... and the kids who understood they couldn't ever go back home and were desperate for a permanent, stable, loving family.

And I think one of the best advances in adoption is open adoption becoming more and more common and accepted.

Back in the day... most adoptions were sealed, closed, private. People grew up, feeling that something was missing, perhaps, but never having any information available to them to help fill in the gaps. Medical history, who do I look like, etc... and also just having that connection.

While life has forced her into her own silence, Adopting M.E. is a blogging friend who has been seeking her birth mother. While she believes she might have found her birth mom, the woman isn't cooperating and so M.E. is left with millions of unanswered questions.

With open adoption, an agency or attorney helps to facilitate the adoption process- matching up hopeful adoptive families with women who are seeking to find a family for their baby. Guidelines are set up during the pregnancy- how much contact, assistance, support will be provided, how involved the adoptive family will be, how involved the birth family will be.

And now I come to my plea. I know there are lots of families using the internet to seek that relationship. And I know a fantastic family that is starting this process for the second time.

I've got a badge over on the right side there... and if you click it, you'll get to go and visit Stephanie and Jason and their daughter, Maya.

I first met them when Teagan started dance class. Maya was in T's class. And here's what I remember... we mostly saw Maya's mom, Stephanie. Stephanie was always warm, friendly. She took such delight in watching Maya and Maya obviously carried her mom's spirit into the dance class.

Stephanie is also a mom on that local mom online community that I'm part of. And she recently sent me a message, asking if I would post that badge. And I am honored to do so.

But I wanted to do more. I wanted to share more. I wanted to understand better. So I asked her a few questions about why they chose adoption, what the open process has been like for them with Maya and Maya's birth family... and I came away so impressed, so full of spirit and love! They are in contact with Maya's birth mom and family. Maya knows she was adopted. Stephanie is very open about the easy things, the hard things, the rewards, the challenges.

Now they are ready to adopt again. Maya wants to be a big sister. Where Stephanie and Jason previously worked with a family friend attorney, they have since moved states away and are here in Indiana. They have talked with adoption agencies and don't feel confident that they are going to be showcased as the special, loving, warm family that they are. So they are doing the legwork on their own. Hoping that the internet can help them connect to a family, to a woman, to a young woman, to whomever is in the situation... and is looking for a family to open their arms and take in a baby and raise it and love it and nurture it and share it. To be part of providing exponential growth spurts of love through the process of open adoption.

So here is my plea...

If you are someone or if you know someone who is confused, lost, hurting, scared, seeking... please consider my friends, Stephanie and Jason and Maya. They have so much to offer. And their hearts are in the right place, the best place. They are serious about open adoption, about staying in touch, about working together to set boundaries and being as open as you want them to be.

And if you are a blogger and wouldn't mind linking up to this post, sharing their YouTube video, hosting their badge on your site for a while... I would appreciate that so very much, too.

One last request- I'd love to hear your adoption story or how adoption has maybe touched your life. I shared my own story last year and I hope you'll take a moment to check it out, too.

Winter TV Line Up

Isn't it weird how the TV seasons have morphed? I remember being a kid and the TV schedule seemed to pretty well line up with the school year, right? New shows starting up in Sept, time off around the holidays, new stuff starting back up in Jan... The big "sweeps" months (Nov, Feb, May) bringing big story lines and conclusions and cliffhangers.

Maybe it's the weird seasons that cable has added to the line up with the multi-year hiatus from season to season... maybe it's the "demands" of the consumer for more entertainment, more intensity, more drama... maybe it's the ease of tossing reality TV into any open slot on the schedule.

Either way, the networks seem to really be embracing this new way of doing seasons this year.

We have a whole new lineup about to start this week! Some shows are coming back after a hiatus from the first part of the season, some are coming back from last year, some from this summer... either way, our TV watching is about to switch up!

SUNDAY

Desperate Housewives

MONDAY (Thank goodness we have a dual DVR)

Heroes

Chuck (but the season premiere is 2 episodes on Sun, Jan 10 and then another Mon, Jan 11)

Secret Life of the American Teenager

Make It or Break It

How I Met Your Mother

Big Bang Theory

TUESDAY

LOST

90210

American Idol

WEDNESDAY

The Middle

Modern Family

American Idol

THURSDAY

Community

30 Rock

The Office

Project Runway

And at some point, I need to get caught up on Big Love, Dexter, and True Blood.

And we watch Saturday Night Live- DVR it and watch it and complain about how not funny it is.

Glee comes back in the spring. Far too long a wait.

Jeff's got me hooked on Doctor Who now, too. I'm going about it all backwards- I watched the Christmas and New Year's episodes (season finale episodes) and will now go back to the very start of this newly done Doctor Who and watch up until these episodes and, hopefully, be ready for the start of the next season this spring!

I think V comes back this spring, too, right?

And the new Survivor starts up in February- Heroes vs Villains!

And I suppose we'll pick back up with FlashForward, just for the sake of finding out what happens. The writing on that show needs a serious overhaul but the idea is fascinating!

Yes, we watch a lot of TV. It's our relaxing time after the kids exhaust us and are finally in bed. We like the entertainment. There is no going out, buying tickets, and so on. Just us, on our couch, being together, watching TV. It's one of my favorite things about our evenings together.

Any shows I'm missing? Any shows you are excited for?

Happy Birthday, Jeff!

Happy Birthday to my best friend, my soulmate, my constant companion, my parenting partner, my lover, my love, my husband.

I hope your day is special and fun and you feel the love your family and friends have for you.

Most of all, I hope you like the present I got for you.

Happy Birthday!

Looking Back- Jan 2009

Now that I have all this history on my blog, I love looking back and reading some of the posts and remembering where my kids were, what we were doing as a family, what was going on in my heart and mind... so I thought it might be fun to share some of those posts from time to time! I figure this is also a great way for newer readers to get to know me a little better. *** Here are links to favorite posts from January, 2009. 1/4/09 Movies of 2008 The funny thing is the list... and how much progress I made (or didn't make) on it... Doubt The Reader Marley & Me Fireproof Ironman Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian The Lovely Bones (EDIT- I'm soooo out of touch... per IMDB, this movie isn't due to be released until Dec 2009. So I guess I can still catch it in theatres. Ha!) WALL-E Milk Twilight The Curious Case of Benjamin Button The Class Rachel Getting Married Slumdog Millionaire In Bruges The Wrestler Wendy and Lucy 1/7/09 Because I'm A Mommy 1/13/09 The Alphabet Game and The Mommyhood Rap 1/14/09 Aging 1/16/09 How To Make Banana Blueberry Muffins 1/20/09 Bedtime Is The Best Time 1/21/09 I Lie About Parenting 1/24/09 The Interview 1/26/09 The Snack Tray

2010

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