I've been struggling to write this post. But a few things have happened in the past few days that have pushed me forward to face some things.
I don't want to run.
And I haven't been running.
Time is an honest factor in this dilemma. Months and months ago, my job changed and my routine at work changed and my training took a hit before I did my first half marathon. When I attended the informational meeting for Team In Training, I spoke to one of the employees there about my concerns about time. I knew my job would be an issue. I also knew that given the new demands of my job on my time, my evenings and weekends would be cram packed with family needs that I wasn't able to otherwise attend to during the week.
Even though I knew my motivation was lacking and I knew my time wasn't truly available, i signed up anyway. I thought signing up for something that required a big commitment would mean instant motivation for me. I thought the pressure would encourage me.
That has backfired.
It's like my body is telling me that I should have listened to my gut. And I should have listened to my gut before I signed up for recommitment for my Team In Training event. I shouldn't have continued. The fundraising is done- I have a final deposit I've been holding onto for a couple of months that takes me past my minimum required fundraising. But my body is in no way prepared for the event.
Late last week, a thought crossed my mind... "If I'm injured, I can't run." And then I actually caught myself dreaming up ways I could end up with a sprained ankle or some sort of minor muscle issue that would prevent me from running. Because being injured would be a good and valid reason for not doing the event in October.
That's sad, isn't it? I told my friend Ashli about those thoughts this apst Sunday at church. She looked into my eyes, grabbed me into an amazing hug, and held me and said "I release you of that burden."
And it really hit me. I'm stupidly stubborn enough that I was willing to dream up ways of getting INJURED in order to avoid running... really, in order to avoid what feels like the humilation of quitting. My diet has been crap, my commitment to exercise has been crap. It's like I've been waiting for someone to give me permission to do the one thing I really hate doing- Quitting.
...Tune in tomorrow for Part 2...