It's Been Far Too Long

Jeff and I met in 2001 when we were cast in a community theatre show together. Jeff and I got married in October, 2003. Jeff and I got pregnant in early 2004 and, sadly, suffered a miscarriage. Jeff and I got pregnant in the summer of 2004. Jeff and I had a baby girl in March of 2005. Jeff and I got pregnant in the winter of 2007. Jeff and I took Teagan to Grandma's house for an overnight in the summer of 2007 so we could have a night away as 2 adults before the new baby came. Jeff and I had a baby boy in October, 2007. We haven't had a night to ourselves since. I can literally count on my digits the number of times we've even had our own bed to ourselves for an entire night. We get an evening out for dinner from time to time. We make more of an effort for nights out together than we used to when we only had Teagan. We support each other having our individual nights out more, too. I've been away overnight on business once since Zach was born. That was a year ago. Almost 2 years ago, when Zach was still nursing, I fought against going on a business trip that wasn't a true necessity (and I won my fight). Jeff has taken a few weekends each year and a week each August. I want to reconnect with my husband. I want intimacy and lust and hand holding and snuggling and laughter and laughter and laughter and eye gazing and conversations and no interuptions from the back seat and no demands of what song to play and no questions about where we're going or what we're eating or if we can do whatever... I want my husband, all to myself. He wants me, all to himself. This weekend, I'm getting my wish. This weekend, he's getting his wish. Friday afternoon, the four of us are driving to Cincinnati. We are going to my family's house. We are going to have dinner and get the kids settled in. And then 2 of us are leaving. We are driving back to Indianapolis. We will stay here for 2 nights before heading back to Cincinnati on Father's Day for a family dinner and to pick up our kids. We might go to a movie, out to dinner, to one of those paint your own pottery places, to the art museum, down to the Mass Ave district, to a comedy club... who knows! We haven't planned out the weekend. We actually were kind of stumbling to figure out things we could even go and do without the kids. We never really "dated" back when we were dating- we hung out and spent a lot of time together but didn't go and do and see and experience a lot of stuff. I refuse to feel guilty about a weekend that I know is very important for my marriage, my connection to my life partner. But I have to admit... I feel a little guilty that I want a break from my kids. Having a crappy day at work and a bad midday run and coming home to kids that are demanding and whiney and clingy and obstinant and argumentative and... and having their own crappy day... it wears you down. And part of me has been feeling like I want to just throw in the towel. Not walk away. But let them behave how they are going to behave. Stop trying. I'm not going to. I love them too much for that. But I think a weekend where I build myself back up and where I strengthen the connection between me and my life partner, my parenting parter... is just what the doctor ordered.

Dear Jeff,

I love you. Recently, I've been witness to the lives of some friends and acquaintances and been left feeling so very sad for some of the things they've shared. Women who are in marriages where they don't feel loved. Where they question why they got married in the first place. Where they feel lost, confused, alone. Where they are hurting or being hurt. I am so blessed that I have you in my life. Our life is so... normal, calm, routine, everyday. I cannot fathom not coming home to you every evening or waking up to you every morning. There is no one else that I want by my side through thick and thin. I love that I feel so safe, so secure, so trusting, so trustworthy with you beside me. There are 2 things that I want you to know. I love that we laugh together and that we've learned how to laugh with the stuff that parenthood has thrown at us and continues to throw at us. I think some people enter a marriage thinking there is an out if they need it- that there are deal breakers. We talked about it before we got married- about those things that would end the marriage. If you cheated on me, if I cheated on you... if you hit me, if I hit you. Things that we couldn't recover from. I don't feel that way anymore. It's not that I'd be ok with you hitting me or cheating on me. It's that I so fully and deeply trust you and know you that I have no insecurities about who you are as a husband. It's not a risk. When I look forward, there are no doubts about who I will be standing beside. I simply cannot imagine my life without you. I know I baffle you sometimes. I know we have our disagreements or bad moods. But the thing is... I get these reminders of how life might be for the people around us... I think about all the families in our neighborhood, in our church, in our lives and I wonder about their hurts, their mistrusts, their secrets... and I am just so proud of us. I am so proud that you are my husband- so honored that you chose me. We have both been broken people before. We have both been hurt in deep, deep ways. But you know what? You have filled me with so much love and trust and joy and peace... you have given me such an immeasurable gift... together, we have taken our broken selves, filled each other up with so much beauty and now we have this normal life. A normal, content, happy life. We have struggles, we have joys, we have celebrations, we have losses. We have each other. And I wouldn't want my life to be any different. ily

Happy Anniversary, My Love!

6 years ago today, Jeff and I traveled to Gatlinburg, TN to become man and wife. Last year, I finally compiled all my notes and journaling into some blog entires- detailing our entire weekend. I love going back and reliving it. I look forward to someday spending an anniversary back there, maybe even in our same cabin. The Drive Down- Adventures in Marriage Licensure It's funny to go back and read this post and remember the people who came down to TN to be with us when we got married. Some are people we rarely see anymore (due to taking time off from our theatre involvement) like the Murello-Todd Family. Some are people we have cut out of our lives since having children like Jeff's mother. Some are people no longer attached to us (and we continue to be very thankful for that) like the person who is now Jim's ex-boyfriend. Our Wedding Day The preparations, the pictures, the adorable little chapel... The Reception and Our Night Out The reception at our cabin and an evening out with friends and family at Sweet Fanny Adams. The Day After and The Long Hike Sunday was a day in Gatlinburg spent with friends. And Monday was a day that will be forever known as "The Day Liz and Christy Decided to Torture Themselves."

***

Last night, Christy babysat and we went out on a date to celebrate our 6 years of marriage. Dinner (Red Lobster) and a show (I Do! I Do!). We laughed- a lot. We held hands. We relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. It was lovely.

We've had 6 relatively smooth years. We tend to make adjustments here and there. We have our angry moments, our frustrated moments. We talk things through when needed. We laugh. We love. We take each day as it comes.

6 short years down... and here's to decades more...

Love's Discovery

I discovered the Indigo Girls in high school. I loved their sound, I could sing both vocal parts, I dreamed of going to their concert and being plucked from the crowd to sing with them (never happened, of course). This was one of my favorite songs because I thought it was about heartbreak and lost loves and so on. I thought it captured the deepness of what I now recognize as “teen angst.” I recently rediscovered the Girls. And listened to this song. And listened again and again and again and it spoke to me completely differently. I know of at least 2 married couples going through hard times right now. 1 working through some stuff, the other falling apart and in early stages of divorce. Neither of these relationships are intimately known to me but both are marriages that involve children and my heart always hurts especially in those situations. Some of the best marriage advice I ever heard was that when times are hard, turn in towards each other. When you are angry with your spouse, don’t run to your friends, your mom, your in-laws and spout off and vent and so on. Turn towards your spouse and work through it together. I know it doesn’t always work that way. But when you choose to run around and get input and advice and insight from 15 other people instead of keeping the issues inside your marriage and between the 2 people involved in the conflict, you are doing nothing helpful and everything hurtful. Can love be recovered? Can we weather the storms of life? Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together

They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather

And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast

To the slim chance of love's recovery. Searching for fairer weather… grass is always greener. The bottom line is that it’s easy to be restless and searching and believing that there is something better out there. But what happens if we hunker down and endure the storm? What happens if we stay together for the sake of the slim chance of love’s recovery? There I am in younger days, star gazing,

Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be

Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection

My compass, faith in love's perfection

I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen This one really rings true for me now! It held such a different meaning when I was in my younger days and I had all these ideas about life and love and the path ahead of me. I thought I had so much figured out. But I didn’t know anything. And while I do believe that life has happened the way it has to bring me to this point, I also know that I have missed some paths because I refused to see them. Faith, in love’s perfection. I used to think that was a very romantic line and that love was perfect and all those paths were to distract me from finding my one true perfect love. I think it’s missed that love isn’t perfect and that’s why the starry eyed youth me missed out on chances to build and choose love and learn from those lessons. Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream

I search for our absolute distinction

Not content to bow and bend

To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures

Eating us away, eating us away

Eating us away to our extinction Whims of culture… All those outside voices and pressures to pull you away, turn you away, point you in a different direction. To show you what you don’t have, to make you feel what you are lacking. Whims of culture, tempting you, swooping, eating… extinction. Never seeing your own blessings, never working on the happiness that already surrounds you, never accepting yourself and loving yourself as you are, always wanting to be better, do better, go faster, go higher… never being satisfied. Never allowing life to be uncomplicated. Never enjoying the simple beauty of settling. The whims of culture… until we are extinct. Our selves extinct, our relationships extinct. Always seeking happiness instead of choosing to be happy with what you have already chosen. Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me

I'd still have two of the same to live

But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal

To let this love survive would be the greatest gift that we could give Nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal. This is it. Make the best of what you have right now. To let this love survive would be the greatest gift that we could give. That love that Jeff and I work on and choose to keep alive, in the midst of all the storms and temptations and ideals, is the greatest gift we can give our children, our friends, our families, our communities, and each other. Tell all the friends who think they're so together

That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather

Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery You have to stop looking for it to be better somewhere else, with someone else, having something else. If you move to Florida for the sunshine, you also risk the hurricanes. If you move to Indiana for the 4 seasons, you also get blizzards and tornadoes. No matter where you go, if you aren’t happy with what you already are and already have, you will always be searching and restless. Though it’s storming out, I feel safe within the arms… of love’s discovery. Figuring out that it’s already here and with you. You don’t have to fight the storm from out in the middle of it, alone. It’s all around you and you can wait it out together. You can face it head on together. The point is to do it together. And I think that “love’s discovery” is about realizing that you already have it. It’s already around you. It isn’t about butterflies in your stomach and roses and chocolates (but chocolate never hurts, mind you) and longing gazes and romance. Those romantic gestures don’t define love. Love is hard work and hard choices and hard sacrifices and hard compromises. And when you start doing the hard things together… when you realize that the storm can rage around you and not tear you apart… when you’ve done the hard work to secure the home and family and commit to your partner… when your home and family are strong in the foundation and you are committed to being the safe, warm and comforting place where husband, wife, children can fall, can fight, can love, can cry, can celebrate… that is love’s discovery.

Don't Divorce us

Thanks to Tangobaby for posting this. Very moving, very real. Imagine... your marriage... being forced to divorce or be annulled. Being forced to be invalidated. Being told your commitment doesn't mean as much because you don't love the right kind of person. The Courage Campaign "Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

The Love Dare

So there's this movie and this book... and I've wanted to not be interested. I've wanted to not see it. I've wanted to not think it has any merit. Dammit. Fireproof. I'll be the first to admit that I tend to automatically reject Christian entertainment. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe the cheese factor that usually lends itself is my issue. Maybe I feel like it's too "Bible beating" for my preferences. There is Christian music that I love. There are Christian comedians I've enjoyed. If I can count Jesus Christ Superstar as a favorite movie and musical... then I've got that covered. The premise of Fireproof captured my attention. "Firefighter" has that cheese factor and makes it feel a little heavy handed in the obviousness. But... something was there. Kirk Cameron, who I was madly in love with as a teen, stars in the movie. He faded from the radar a long time ago... but this is bringing him back a little. I heard people starting talking about "The Love Dare." It is apparently a thing from the movie. OK. Hadn't planned to see the movie, might see it someday but... I was at Target and the book "The Love Dare" was sitting there, calling to me. I picked it up and started to thumb through it. It's a 40 day challenge to do something specific, to reflect on something specific in regards to your relationship each day. I bought it. And I'm going to do it. I still feel hesitant about it. My marriage isn't in trouble or weak... but from the scanning I did, the suggestions seem to be good ones. And a lot could apply to my relationship with my kids or friends or other family members, too. Today is Day One. Anyone care to join me?