Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Am I Feeling Inspired?

I'm fat. I've talked about it before. I was at a point where I was okay with it. I'm not anymore. But I've been struggling to find motivation. I'm so... down... about the weight I've gained since weaning... On one hand, I feel like I don't care. That this is just how I am for right now. That with everything else in my life, there isn't time and energy to take care of me. But then that sounds crazy. Why would I not take care of me? I have so many excuses. Schedules are busy, kids are demanding, husband deserves attention, church commitments. Last night, I caught this article on Yahoo Features. Working out is taking care of a lot of muscle. My legs are firmer. My arms are stronger. I can feel those changes. But my belly has gotten flabbier. I can feel muscle forming under the fat. But the fat is out of control. I have this flabby pooch that hangs over the waistline of any pants I wear. I look down when I am sitting, when I am standing... and this belly... this flab... I've come to hate it. I've started hating part of myself. And that is sooooo not like me. I've been slacking off with working out. I've been lucky to hit the gym once a week. I've done no exercise at home. The Wii Fit is collecting dust. Complete and total lack of motivation due to the frustration of getting fatter, gaining weight, being flabby. But that article struck a cord. Gave me an inkling of hope. The short list of food... quinoa, green tea, kefir, avocado, eggs, grapefruit... some of my favorite foods. OK- I've not actually had quinoa. But I know about it and am willing to try it out. So this morning, I stopped at the grocery store and picked up red grapefruit, avocado, kefir. I stopped on the way in to work and got 2 scrambled eggs. I ate scrambled eggs and avocado for breakfast. I'm about to go pour a cup of kefir. It's time to make a change... I don't know fully what I'm doing. But I have to get back on track. I have to get rid of the flab. I have to get back to being on a good path. I hope that my inkling of hope, my moment of inspiration sticks. Maybe... maybe if I keep up with eating these foods that I already love... maybe... maybe I can reduce this flabby belly... maybe.

5 comments:

Alix said...

YOU CAN DO IT LIZ. I think the hardest part of any new regime is choosing to do it. You know, making the decision to really put in whatever effort is necessary and then just telling yourself "there is no fail." Like anything, once you get into the habit of whatever it is you are changing, it becomes exponentially easier. Yes, it does take a bit more planning and coordination to diet and exercise when you already have a plate that's overflowing (forgive the pun), but really, just a small shift in focus, and you're on your way.

Whether you take baby steps or giant leaps, it's the forward progress that matters and adds up.

I'm here if you ever need motivation.

yodaobi said...

OOH I like the new look of your blog
Nice and crisp.

Don't beat yourself up too much. I remember not long ago how proud you were of your belly.
I'm deliciously fat and love my curves. (so does my hubby!)
OK I'm not in LOVE with every roll... but lately I've made the decision to be HEALTHIER not because I hate the way my body looks or feels but because I'm getting so run down and can't catch up with my three year old. (not good)

Perhaps if you want we can challenge each other to Wiifit challenges!

Tonight (if my virus induced asthma lets me) I'm going to do one advanced step and a little yoga to wind down.

Mary Ellen said...

I'm a big fan of small, do-able changes that add up to big differences.

You motivate and inspire me - that should count for something!

C. Beth said...

It sounds like you're making very positive changes.

I'll warn you, I think this will be a long comment. It probably needs to be a blog post, and probably will be one. But for now--hope you don't mind some stream of consciousness rambling....

The weight issue in our society is SO tough. I'm doing a Bible study with women right now, and last night we were talking about insecurities. It was interesting--a friend of mine sitting next to me said she has had lots of body image issues since she was never the skinny kid and, as she put it, "I'll never look like Beth!" (I always WAS the skinny kid.) She said she realized one time that by never being happy with her body, she was basically saying God had made a mistake.

Now, it sounds like you're the type who usually is happy with yourself, and I'm guessing you have pretty realistic expectations of who you should be, and you're disappointed right now because you realize you need to be healthier. That sounds like a great point of view, so I don't tell that story above to judge you.

A little while later in the discussion, I said, "The thing is, it's never enough! I have a fast metabolism and have been breastfeeding since time began, but I still look at myself in the mirror and think about how my belly has this extra skin on it!" I confessed I was realizing how utterly stupid this point of view is--maybe I'll never wear a bikini again, and THAT'S OKAY. But so many of us get stuck in that place where our bodies are NEVER good enough.

I really don't think you're one of those people, but I think in America most of us women are. It's very hard to be happy with imperfection, but it seems like it's such an important thing to learn, considering that our bodies--even when healthy--tend to get less and less perfect as we get older!

Anyway, this comment really isn't meant to preach at you because it doesn't even really seem to apply to you, at least not what I know of you. I've just got societal expectations and self-image on my mind, and your post brought it back to the forefront.

Eternal Lizdom said...

Beth- I've written on the subject before. It's something I'm usually passionate about.

http://eternallizdom.blogspot.com/2008/12/part-deux-getting-preachy.html

http://eternallizdom.blogspot.com/2008/12/its-unexpected-moments.html