Broken

Almost exactly one year ago, I wrote a post that shared with you some of the details of a major set of events in my life- I am a survivor of sexual abuse and childhood rape and I missed the last quarter of my senior year of high school to have intense inpatient and outpatient therapy.

It's a long post but if you haven't read it before, I encourage you to read it now.

In the past 2 months, I have had 2 huge reminders jump up and slap me around a little bit.  Reminders of how broken I was.  Or how broken I am.

In many ways, I am whole and happy and content and live a joy-filled life.  I love my life.  I love who I am.  I have deep appreciation for the life I am blessed to live.  But sometimes, a reminder comes along of how broken I have been in the past, a reminder of how horrible the foundation of my life really was, a reminder of issues that I still live with now.

Last night, I reconnected with someone who was an important part of my healing.  Someone who was in that intense therapy time with me and witnessed some very raw and painful moments in my journey.

To be honest, I had forgotten his name.  I never forgot his face and he is one of the small handful of people from that time that I think of regularly.  When he would cross my mind, I would try to bring his name up and just couldn't.  I never really dwelt on it.

He found me on Facebook.  And we started chatting.  And I love that we have reconnected.  He said some things about important things I did for him back at that time and that really moved me.

But talking to him again has made me realize how broken I still am.

I have gone through a lot of steps and phases in this ongoing and never ending healing process.  I have worked through some big steps on forgiveness.  But sometimes, a fresh reminder of the broken side of me can still hurt.

My memory is very faulty. I've written about my memory issues before- most in depth in this post.

As this friend from my past chatted with me, I tried and tried to bring up memories from that time.  My senior year of high school.  My time in an inpatient therapeutic hospital and outpatient therapeutic hospital.  The time in my life when I worked the hardest I ever have at becoming whole and complete.  And it is all firmly locked away or has fallen through the swiss cheese holes of my brain.

It frustrates me.  It makes me incredibly sad.

It's like waking up from a dream and knowing the general idea of what the dream was about and having flashes of who was in the dream with you.

The thing that stays with me from my faulty memories are the feelings.

To my newfound old friend... I may not remember all the details.  And when we talk, I'm sure more will come back to me with the help of your memory.  But I remember my feelings and I trust my feelings now.  I know that you were someone I was very fond of and enjoyed the company of immensely.  I remember really enjoying spending time with you- even if I can't remember the conversations and exact moments.  I am very excited to reconnect with you.  I am beyond delighted to see that your life seems to have turned out in a normal and whole place, like mine.

I'm a bundle of emotions today.  In some ways, I am reminded of how faulty and broken I am.  In more ways, I am realizing how blessed I am and how the timing of the events in our lives are part of a bigger plan and happen when they happen for a reason.  In more ways, I am feeling a sense of relief or hope in being found by someone who can help me rebuild a segment of my life that I didn't even realize I'd locked away.  I'm eager to reconnect with this person who I know was an important part of my past.

I think it might be time to consider looking into options for recovering memories.