I've been hesitant to really talk about this because it makes it truly real. I mentioned it on my Facebook page last week. And my blog buddy 4th Frog blogged about it today so I'm going to out myself, too.
I can't seem to find my Christmas Spirit this year.
Every year, I get really excited about Christmas. I love the holidays. I love the lights and the baked goodies and the Christmas carols and the generosity and the gift giving and the time with friends and family. I've often been the bearer of Christmas Spirit to family gatherings.
This year... it's just not there. I'm not feeling it and I don't know why.
We've done a lot of our traditional holiday things this month. We went caroling with our church to a nursing home. We've gone to see the fantastic light displays in our neighborhood and in our town. We've been shopping and gift-giving and planning. We've been practicing for our Christmas program at church.
I've been part of some amazing generosity this holiday season and that usually warms my heart.
But this year, something is missing.
The sermon at church yesterday was all about the gift of Joy. I've been doing a devotional series and the focus right now is on Joy. And yet... my Joy is missing. Not completely- my foundation is joyful, my faith is still founded in Joy. But on the surface this Christmas, my Joy seems to be lacking.
I have little moments where I stop and smile. But my heart is normally bursting with love and joy by this time of the year and it just hasn't happened yet.
I saw something someone posted on Facebook recently that talked about steps to happiness and the first one was to think less and feel more. Maybe I'm thinking too much and not feeling enough?
Maybe it's the stress of the job? Maybe I'm too tired? Maybe I'm not focused on the right things?
I just know there are some great things going on around me, great things I've been a small part of, great things happening to great people... and I can't seem to find the joy inside of me. I've had moments of joy when my kids spontaneously sing "Rudolph" together and I've had my spirit fill up when I read of those Layaway Angels and I've been deeply touched by the outpouring of support when needs are brought to the surface.
And yet, there is something missing inside of me and I don't know what it is that's missing.
So if you've got some holiday spirit to spare, I'd love to have some of yours. If you find some laying around, send it my way. Or if you happen to find mine, could you please return it to me right away?