Angelic

Angelic is a young woman I know through my online mom community.  She shares her story below - she is an incredible work in continual progress (like we all are).  Understanding where she comes from... I think many of us can identify with what she has to say.

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Hello there. I'm Angelic and I am a 28 year old divorced single mom of an amazing 7 year old boy named Landon. I am here to talk a little about being a single mom after a rough marriage that left me in pieces and very unsure of myself. Life as a single mom itself is a challenge. When you are struggling with your own self worth and trying to learn to love yourself along with finding yourself again it becomes an extra challenge. Here you are, trying to teach your child to love themselves and be their own person when you are struggling to do the same yourself.

I started dating my ex husband shortly after I graduated high school. I was still young (only 18) and the thrill of dating a guy older than myself was there. There were red flags from the get go but I was young and naïve and stubborn. By the time I turned 20, we were moving in together. A short time later, we were pregnant with our first child. That is when everything really started to go down hill- or maybe I just started to see the reality of what was going on. When Landon turned 6 months old, we were married. The marriage was never based on love and I see that now. It was based off of obligation because of a child-  which is never a reason to get married. Abuse was a very common theme in my marriage. I was constantly walking on eggshells. I felt worthless, unloved, and unwanted. I felt ugly and horrible inside and out. I was told that I was selfish and worthless and nobody else would ever want me. It is often times easier to believe the bad things that somebody is telling you than anything good that you hear about yourself. I worked full time. I was the only one in my group of friend who had a kid.  Between my husband and being the only mom and working full time - I was very isolated.  I became a shell of myself and lost who I was. I went through the motions every day pretending to be somebody I was not. I hid behind a wall that I built up to protect myself from anybody else while I cried when I was alone. I broke down often.

A few months after our son turned 3, I finally found the courage to say I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't live like I was. So after being with him from the time I was 18 until I was 24- I made the choice to walk away. I was done and knew I deserved better. I packed up myself and my son and he and I moved in with my parents. It was a very tough decision. I still thought I was somehow in love but at the same time I was not because of the damage that was done. I felt destroyed and had no idea how I was going to get myself back. So I became a single mom with shared custody. Shortly after, I started a new relationship that was controlling and very much the same. I guess what they say is true - history repeats itself. I never took the time I needed to get better from the marriage and to find who I was again. After two years in another dead end relationship that ended with a broken engagement, I was able to move on. All this time I was struggling to raise my son to love himself. I hated who I was, because I was still so unsure of where I fit in or who I wanted to be. I just knew that I wanted better for my son. I didn't want him to struggle with who he is. I want him to be strong and sure of himself.

I have been single for a year an a half now. I still struggle on a daily basis to with my self esteem and self worth. It is a huge struggle for me that sometimes I feel so alone and that nobody will ever understand me. At the same time I have gone through a journey. At the age of 28 I was finally free to be myself without having somebody tell me no or make me feel bad for doing things for myself. I am hoping I have taught Landon to do the same. To be a little more open and free spirited even if it sometimes goes against the norm. I was finally free to spend time with the people in my life who really mattered and who truly cared for me. I was able to go to concerts and feel young and fun again. I was able to get my tattoos that mean so much to me and tell my stories.

My advice to both the married and the single people out there - Never lose yourself. No matter how much somebody tries to change you or beat you down to the point where you don't remember who you are, don't give them the satisfaction of taking your life and love for yourself away from you. Everyone of us is meant to be different and unique in our own skin. Make sure you always take time to do things for yourself that you love. Don't let anyone tell you what you can do or how you should be. It has taken me way too long to get to this point myself and as I said, I still struggle with it. I try very hard to be a better role model for my son. I know my self esteem issues have already rubbed off on him some and that kills me to even think of that. Nobody should ever feel that way about themselves. We should all remember who we are heart, mind, and soul and never lose ourselves for somebody else, for a job, for anything. Always be true to yourself.

Thank you for listening and I hope that you take a little something from this.

I wish you all Peace, Love, Laughter, and Happiness.

Angelic