I've always been fascinated by psychology. I like understanding WHY people do things, feel things, choose things. It's a question without a specific answer but discovering lots of different answers is part of the fascination for me.
And when I'm the one feeling stuff, I do get introspective and like to figure out WHY I'm feeling something. Especially when it's something I'm really not used to feeling.
Like jealousy.
Like neediness.
I am generally a confident person. Which sometimes works against me. Because then vulnerability can be a really surprising feeling for me and for others.
Jealousy and neediness aren't usually things I feel. So it's weird.
And then there is this cycle.
Something triggers my needy feeling. And mind you - I am fully aware that I am generally reading into the trigger. Meaning it's usually nothing but I make it up in my head to Be Something.
So then I feel all needy. And then I feel stupid for feeling needy. And then I feel guilty for putting my friend in a category in my head of creating neediness. I then I feel stupid again for overthinking and overfeeling stuff. And then I want someone to reassure me that things are fine - which goes right back to neediness. And then the guilt comes up again because my petty neediness shouldn't be clouding up someone else's celebration or overshadowing someone else's hard times.
When the heck did I become such a sap???
I have so many relationships that are very affirming! My friends and I are quick with the "I love you's" or having the conversations that indicate the importance of the friendship or giving lots of deep and warm hugs or holding hands as a sign of affection and support and love.
But not everyone is like that. Not everyone is emotional or huggy or sappy. And sometimes I don't know how to handle it.
And sometimes technology is a demon. Back in the olden days... you used to rely on your home phone, seeing each other in person, and having a paper calendar. The game got upped once we had answering machines and voice mail. Now, we can so easily see our calendars, schedule our dates and events and functions, we can text and email and tweet and send facebook messages (why isn't there a clever name for a facebook message?), and when technology glitches... we stumble.
Last week, I had a few pieces of Dove chocolate. I like the chocolate but am also amused by the little sayings inside - bits of advice or uplifting comments. And I opened 2 in a row that had the same message inside.
Huh. Nice little call out to a potential need for some old fashioned communication, eh?
And then the texting snafu began. I'm not receiving texts. From what I am reading, it is a mash up of issues - partially because I have dared to go against Apple by returning to the land of Android but Apple isn't willing to unassign my phone number as an iMessaging contact. And partially due to the iPhone upgrade last week. People I was normally receiving messages from - I'm not receiving messages anymore.
Another reminder about how important some of that old fashioned communication is.
But I have to admit. It's darn hard to make phone calls to chat. It's hard to find time on the calendar for dinner out with a friend. My job requires my time. My kids require my time. My husband requires my time. My faith requires my time.
So yes. I am needy. I seek affirmation. But maybe it's because I'm being too lazy in my friendships. I'm relying on technology to make friendship easier instead of using technology as a tool in my maintaining my friendships.
Time to schedule some dates. With my kids, my husband, my friends.
Because I'm needy. And it's annoying.
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