Thursday, January 1, 2009

I Admit It

I admit it. I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I haven't been there since Christmas Eve. I've enjoyed being home with my kids. I've enjoyed being home and getting housework done. I'm not looking forward to getting back into that routine of not having enough time and energy to get it all done. I admit it. I like having a house that isn't pile upon pile upon pile of clutter and "to do's." I like feeling like I've accomplished something. I like feeling proud of my home. It's not perfect or well decorated... and I don't want it to be. But I like a sense of control, a sense of organization. I admit it. Being a stay at home mom would exhaust me. But I also know that I am still thinking of it in terms of how I feel at the end of the day after a full work day. So my perspective is skewed. But part of me knows that I would want to be able to send my kids away for a day or 2 each month for the sake of sanity. I also know that on the days when my kids are home all day, my house is a disaster. I admit it. At some point in the next few years, Jeff and I will need a vacation together. Just the two of us. I've said for a long time that I wouldn't be one of "those parents." I had this crazy idea that any vacation needed to include the kids. Period. But I'm feeling like Jeff and I could really use a looooong weekend with the kids at Grandma's and no worries... lounging about, seeing movies, eating great food, etc. I admit it. There is a part of me that has surfaced recently that appreciates having a job. I like the income, I like the adult interaction, I like using my brain, I like being appreciated, I like the routine, I like having medical insurance and other benefits. Sometimes I feel guilty for having the escape that my job offers. Sometimes I get through meltdowns by knowing I get to escape from them the next day. I admit it. I sometimes baffle myself. I recently got some news that really shocked me, surprised me. Something that happened in the past but that has permanent ripples and waves that impact many people, even if they don't realize the reasons. And I feel like I should be angry. But I'm not. I'm sad for the people most immediately caught in the crossfire. I can't figure out why I'm not angry... see, I baffle myself. I admit it. I really like blogging. I really like the connections I've made with other bloggers. I wasn't sure I'd take to it. I'm not always thrilled with what I write. But it has become about more than just having a blog. I'm back into writing and I like feeling that connection to my creative self again. Good night!

6 comments:

Candace Jean July 16 said...

I admit it. I really love your blog!

I can relate to the returning to work thing, even though I don't have kids at home any more. But I have some friendships there that are so binding, so sincere - I would miss that the most (besides the paycheck and benefits)!

I have found that the anticipation of returning to work is much worse than actually being there. May you be blessed with a wonderful 2009!

Mary Ellen said...

I know, for me, working away from my children 8 hours a day made me a much happier mother. I tried not to feel guilty about it - you have to do what's best for you.

And when they were a 'certain age', I couldn't wait for school vacation to be over!

Mim said...

We've just started summer school holidays and I don't have to be back at the shop or the office until the end of January, by which time I'm quite sure I'll be thrilled to offload the kids and get back to work. But I'd really hate to have had to go back this week.

I'm surprised by how important blogging has become to me, when I started I thought of it as something I was playing around with, now when people ask me what I do one of the phrases that pops into my head is "I'm a blogger" (I don't actually say that though...usually).

Kristi said...

I stay home all day and even though I don't think I 'd want to work all day, am envious of the working mom's who have something for themselves each day. I started blogging to have something that is just for me, and then got too busy for a while to keep up with it. I am working two days a week outside the home and it gives me at least a little adult contact to help keep me sane. I am envious though - I'd love to have my house organized and free of clutter. Oh well. Next year they are both in school full day so I am hoping I will have at least one day a week to work on it!

Liz said...

Nothing to be jealous of, Kristi, in regards to my house. I only get to do a big clean like that about twice a year. I'd really like to commit to keeping up with my housework so that we aren't in horribly cluttered surroundings. But hubby is the biggest packrat I know... so it is hard to contain, maintain, keep up, get ahead. And even when my house is in a decent place, it is never and will never be "perfect." And I don't want it to be! I want people to feel comfortable putting feet up on the couch and to not freak if something gets spilled.

Alix said...

I admit it. I admit that if I didn't have my daily dose of Eternal Lizdom, I would be miserable. I am so glad we have you and I love spending time with you. You're a national treasure, you are - and you're a really cool chick.