I'm So Not A Quitter

Christy and I went to the gym yesterday. I did 30 minutes on this elliptical thingee- the one that has a fuller range of leg motion and incorporates arms. I felt good. Our gym offers a lunch time "boot camp" for 30 minutes, twice a week (Tues and Thurs). We've gone twice and while it was a challenge, we felt good about it. Today, we had 4 people and our trainer set up a sort of team challenge. The teams were me and Kevin, Christy and Malcolm. Kevin and Malcolm are fit, healthy guys who frequent the gym very regularly. Christy and I... aren't. It was a circuit and we went through it twice. 15 step ups with hand weights (15 each leg so 30 total), 15 mountain climbers, 10 jump ups (or jump squats), 30 jumping jack, wall sit (the amount of time to sit was determined by drawing a slip of paper), hit the treadmill to run .25 miles, then a final resistance band exercise (again determined by drawing slips of paper). The guys went head to head and started up. Once they got past the 3rd exercise, Christy and I were given our Go. First time through... I had some struggles. Which I knew I would. I can do strength stuff really well (lunges, squats, weights). I suck, suck, suck at hardcore cardio. I hate jumping and running. And I had to do jump squats and jumping jacks and run. My body started whimpering halfway through the jump squats. And screaming at me on the jumping jacks (had to take a little break) and really threw a tantrum when I tried running (legs cramping, can't breath). But I got through it. Then we start round 2. I'm struggling. A lot. I get through the step ups and the mountain climbers. By the time I start jump squatting... my chest is burning, my heart is pounding, and my throat feels like it is closing up. We get to the jumping jacks and Christy (bless her heart) agrees that we need a break. Our trainer is concerned about me and doesn't want me to have a heart attack. Encourages us to take a break. We do... and my head starts messing with me. "You're going to cause your team to fail. You're going to lose this challenge. You can't possibly finish- your body is failing you! You're going to be so far behind... you'll have these people cheering for you to "just finish." You're going to FAIL." Oh man! I'm really not one to have negative self talk so that PISSED ME OFF. I dug deep. Deep. And I jumped up and did my jumping jacks without hesitation. I got on the treadmill and did my distance (not running but pushing). I did my resistance band exercise. When it was said and done, our trainer remarked that she doesn't see people come back from that point. She had been concerned about my anxiety getting the best of me, about my body failing. My response? I control my body. My body doesn't control me. I was beat, my chest still burned, my breathing was still hard. I stood in the shower, waiting for the tears of frustration to hit. But they never came. And it hit me. I've said before that I can't understand my daughter's drive and leadership and stubbornness. That I don't know where she gets it from. That I'm baffled by her passion, her drive, her desire to not only please others and find favor with them but to also push herself to do better just for the sake of doing her best. When she gets frustrated or feels like she's failed, she gets mad. Holy crap- that's ME. And you know what? I think I'm a little scared of that side of me. I think I want to just be a loving, compassionate person. I am passionate and opinionated. But I'm more than that. Way more. Sometimes to my detriment but often to my success. I'm a Survivor. I'm a Fighter. I'm a Success. I'm Driven. For some reason... I shy away from those attributes of my character. But today, I couldn't shy away from it. My body- my legs, my lungs, my feet- wanted me to fail, to quit, to take it easy, to rest, to Stop. But that's not who I am. When I commit to something, there is no halfway. Doesn't mean I don't stumble. Doesn't mean I won't have set backs or failures or slumps. But when I set my mind to it... when I really dig deep... when I'm pushed to that edge... I. Will. Not. FAIL. (I've set a goal for the month of February. The lunch class is a pay-as-you-go thing. I'm going to pay for all the Tuesdays and Thursdays in February and when I attend all the sessions this month, my reward is a pedicure. I will miss one Tuesday for Zach's procedure but I will find a way to make up for it.)