Photography

I like having a good camera.

I like taking pictures.

I like that I see things differently through the lens.  I gain a new perspective.

And I want to know how to better use my camera.  I want to better understand lighting and lenses.

I think I want to take a photography class.

But classes are expensive.

I've tried learning from online sources, even sources that claim to make it easy to understand.  But somehow it just doesn't click.

I want to focus by hand instead of by the auto focus on the camera.

I want to understand aperture and composition.

I want to know how to take indoor photos without using my flash.

I've done a couple of photo projects for friends, for community theatre and it has whet my appetite.

I want to do more and do it better.  I don't want to be a pro, I don't want to start a business.  I just want to feel like I know what I'm doing instead of getting lucky when I click.

Feel free to share your favorite online resources - I might need to sit down with my camera and some good websites and try again.

It's Your Blog: Christy

One of the things that I love about blogging is that it's this perfect opportunity to share important stories with others.  I've been able to talk about my survival story and about parenting a bully.  Friends have guest posted about being a parent of a child with autism, escaping an abusive spouse, overcoming drug addiction.  I want this platform to be a place where we can share our stories and our journeys and inspire others. 

So I'm going to start an ongoing series called "It's Your Blog."  It basically just means that this space is yours.  If you have a story you would like to share, use the form to the right to contact me by email.  Or contact me in any of the ways you can (Facebook, Twitter, email, face to face, whatever).  I can help you write it, I can help you edit it, most of all, I can give your story a voice and an audience.  Need to be anonymous?  I can work with that, too.

Today's blog is from Christy.  She's someone I met years ago through Indy Moms.  We've stayed connected on Facebook.  She's an amazing and compassionate woman.  She owns a laundromat in a small town and when there was flooding, she provided laundry service for people who needed it.  She has a lot of life stories and experience that we can learn from - but this is an important one that she wanted to share.

***
I can breathe...

Literally for 2 months I have had a feeling I was going to suffocate.

Today, I am going to share a story with you and if you read it in its entirety, thank you. I promised myself and God 2 months ago that I would share this. If this saves even one person’s life, changes one mind or eases one's mind and moves them in the right direction, then my story was worth it.

A couple of months ago, I realized that I had been living a lie for the past 7 years. October came and everywhere I looked, I saw pink. Pink ribbons, pink shirts, pink socks, pink banners... the world turns pink in October. And as I do every year, and have done since my Breast Cancer diagnosis 13 years ago, I wear my pink ribbons, I tell my story, and most importantly I tell woman how important it is to get your mammograms. "Early detection can save your life, it saved mine" is what I have said over and over, year after year.

And it's true.

This is where the lie comes in, the lie, my lie, is that I had actually not had a mammogram in 7 years.

YES, you just read that correctly, for 7 years I have avoided the test that I claim will save your life. I just stopped going one year. Why? I got busy, I have been taking care of others, I forgot, I just didn't want to go, I just didn't want to know, I just... didn't go. So there I sat, at yet another "pink event", standing up and smiling as they recognize the survivors, living my little lie. But this time it was different, I broke, I broke this bond that I had made with myself and I approached the table with pink pens, pink balloons and even a cheerful lady wearing pink who was scheduling mammograms.

At that moment, that very second, I broke.

I made an appointment and I told myself that I had to do it, I had to step out of this zone I had sunk into and I HAD to keep this appointment. The best way to commit to something so fragile, something that you know you can "always cancel" is to confess the truth to your best friend and then make her promise you that she will in no way let you cancel. I did just that. That evening I cried as I sent the text to Melissa. I made her promise me that no matter what, I would make that appointment. She called me, stalked me, drove me insane, and it worked, I made it to that appointment.

On my lunch break, I drove myself there, registered, changed into the comfy robe, and I was on my way to putting this feat behind me.

Two hours later I was devastated to find out that 4 lumps had been found in my left breast. I wanted to run, I wanted to break the promise, I wanted to go back to not knowing...I wanted to go back to the lie.

The fear set in, the feeling that your body is on fire, has been with me since that October day. Of course I instantly thought to myself that no one needed to know, in particular our kids and my parents. They would be devastated. I chose wisely who I would tell. Some were obviously going to have to know- Jade, Melissa, my employer, and a handful of friends that were sworn to secrecy. I have spent sleepless nights wondering if this was my last Thanksgiving, my last Christmas, would I really make it to Florida for Spring Break, all of the questions that go through your mind when you face Cancer.

A lot of raw emotions that came back from 13 years ago.

But one feeling kept sneaking up on me, the one that haunted me in my sleep, that caught me in the middle of a giggle with the kids, the one that stopped me in my tracks, and the one that caused me to make crazy choices about work, life, and in general...

WHY DID I WAIT 7 YEARS?? It was like playing Russian Roulette with my life. Would these 4 lumps have been seen earlier? Of course. Did I just seal my own fate? Possibly. Since that day I have spent a lot of time thinking, praying, crying, and being angry at myself. I also spent a lot of time having scans, tests, aspirations, biopsies and finally surgery. Again, only a handful of people knew, per my wish. Not being able to talk to my mom and dad was probably the hardest. I hated not telling them, but I hated more the fact that this would only cause them heartache and fear, so I did the selfish thing, I kept it from them. I finally told them what had happened, and needless to say they were furious with me, I may even be grounded!

On the day of my surgery, my Doctor, who I adore, told me she would call me as soon as the pathology reports were in. At this point, three of the areas were clear, and the last one had been biopsied once and was still suspicious, so it was completely removed during this surgery. So we waited all weekend, me, Jade and my small select group...we waited for the results. At 3:57, Dr. Kennedy called to let me know that the news was good, there was no Cancer! Thank God! I quickly started calling and sharing the good news and I cried, I cried a lot. As I mentioned, I told my parents that evening, and I cried. It felt so good to tell them, and it felt even better to reassure them that I am okay.

For those of you that have read this far, you may wonder why I felt compelled to share this story. It is simple. I made a promise to myself and to God, in the wee hours of the night, in the dark rooms, at my kids’ ballgames, when I heard of another life lost to Cancer, I made a promise, a promise to share my lie.

 I share it with all of you in hopes that if you need to have your mammogram, if you are finding every reason why not to do it, that if you need that one reassurance to go do it, I AM YOUR REASON! My lie could have cost me everything. We can only learn from our mistakes, and we can lead by example.

Please let me lead you in the right way.

I also wanted to take this time to thank those that helped us during this time. From praying, taking me to appointments, keeping my ice packs frozen, picking the kids up from school, taking them to practices, feeding them, picking me up and dusting me off, ignoring my madness, dropping off food, keeping Jade sane, excusing my madness, reading this very long post, listening to me cry, handing me Kleenex after Kleenex, helping with our business, dealing with my madness, all in all...just being there... I say "Thank you, thank you so very much"!

- Christy

***

Thank you, Christy, for sharing this message.  And it's such an important reminder.  I have to confess - I haven't been taking care of myself.  As I am approaching 40 this year, I need to suck it up and make my appointment for a mammogram and also get back on track with annual visits to the gynocologist.  My confession?  I haven't been since the follow up post-birth visit for Zach.  6 years ago.  It's time and your story is such an important reminder of that.  

Praying

From time to time, I like to offer to pray for people.

All the time, I like to pray for others, with others.

I believe in prayer as an important part of my faith, of my relationship with God.

I believe that my purpose is to love others and one of the greatest ways I can love others is to pray for them.

Sometimes, when I ask, I get a few people who have prayer requests.  Sometimes the requests are very serious.

Yesterday, I asked.  I usually just post on Facebook and send out a text to some close friends or family members.

The response was almost overwhelming.

I wrote down all the requests so that I can carry them with me.

More than 40 people responded.  And I had some of my "regulars" on my list, too.

When I say I am going to pray for you, I mean it.

It might mean I stop right then and lift you in prayer.

It might mean I set aside time and sit with my list and pray over your name specifically.

It might mean I pray over the list and then take time to read Scripture as I stay connected in prayer.

Sometimes I take prayer requests to some of my other prayer warriors because more is needed.

I maintain confidences, of course.

You know what else?  Even if you don't believe in God or you just aren't sure about faith... you can still ask me to pray for you and the concerns or the joys that you are facing.

One of the best ministries in our church is our prayer ministry.  One of the things the prayer partners do is a monthly opportunity for people at church to come into a private and quiet setting and sit with a prayer partner so that someone else can raise up their prayer requests with them.

Maybe you've been praying about something for a while now.  And maybe you're struggling to hear, struggling to be still so you can listen, struggling with the answers you think you're getting.  And maybe asking someone else to step in and pray with you, to help you carry the burden, to simply be another voice can make a difference.

Please don't ever be afraid to ask me to pray for you.

And please don't ever be afraid to ask if you can pray for others.

These Are the Women in Your Neighborhood

This weekend is the annual Women's Retreat at my church.  I am really, really looking forward to it.

The retreat is a newer thing for our church.  We've had a beach theme one year, a cozy lodge theme the next, and this year's theme is chocolate!!!  The retreat will have a Scripture based theme and fun activities and interesting conversation topics and a missions project.  A group of us will connect to our teen years and have a sleepover at church.  And I'm sure there will be ample amounts of chocolate!

But here's what I have loved best of all about the retreat the past 2 years and am hoping for this weekend...

The bonding, the intimacy, the connecting with the women in my neighborhood (aka my church family).

Who are the women in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood? In your neighborhood?

Oh she sings with the Worship Team.
And I think she's really keen.
She's my friend named Tiffany!
And she's pretty and funny and sweet.

Oh Tiffany's a woman in my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! In my neighborhood! 
Tiffany's a woman in my neighborhood, a person that I love each day.

Eh, you get the idea.  The women who are part of my church are important to me.  I have some close friendships thanks to my church.  One of the greatest gifts I've received each year at this retreat is the opportunity to deepen existing relationships and also connect to women that I've not been able to spend time with before.

And there's one other thing I'm expecting... lots of hugs.  Some of my favorite moments in retreats past are the moments where you could simply reach out and hold someone's hand, put an arm around someone, get a hug.  Or maybe even hold on to someone and weep uncontrollably through insane laughter when you're supposed to be singing a song about friendship (you know who you are).

The bond between women is an important one.  I truly believe that we feed one another in a way that is hard to describe with words.  Care and attention and compassion must be given to these relationships because they are truly so important.  A strong network of women can make an incredible impact.

Oh the women's retreat starts tomorrow
And I leave my family with little sorrow
Because I know they will be fine
And I really really need this time

I need this time with women in my neighrborhood, in my neighborhood, in my neighborhood!
It keeps me sane this time with women in my neighborhood, the women that I love each day!

Oh, But I Do

From time to time, I have the honor of being able to share someone's story of struggle and survival.  It might be my own or it might be someone I love and sometimes, it might be someone I have met but don't know well.  That's today's post.

Many years ago, there was a magical part of the internet called Indy Moms.  Our local newspaper, owned by a national company, started this online community.  It was a place where we could post about nonsense, get advise on serious problems, share stories about our kids.  And the coolest thing happened.  Real friendships were formed.  A community developed.  We came to truly care about one another.  Even those that you maybe didn't get along with - you still cared about what happened to them.  Real life meet ups happened, real life friendships formed.  And a lot of those friendships carry on today - even though the site no longer exists and the community only has Facebook to use as a conversation forum.

One of the women that I knew from Indy Moms was Amy.  I didn't know her very well.  But she was funny and smart and adorable.  She became friends with some moms that I was connected to so I knew her in a roundabout kind of way.  She loaned me a dress for Teagan once.  She was a single mom with an adorable daughter.  When the site shut down and we all stayed connected on Facebook, Amy was one of those moms.  And then she disappeared.

People have asked about her, remembered her, wondered.

So imagine how thrilled I was not so long ago when I got an email from her.  She's continued to be a blog reader (staying connected, even if it was one sided).  And when I last put out a call for guest posts?  Amy wants to share her story.

And I honored that Amy wants to share her story here on the pages of Eternal Lizdom.  I hope you read it, learn from it, feel inspired... and leave her some love and support in the comments.

*****

As I sit here and write this, I have company.  Eighteen homeless women and two homeless children to be exact.

I work for Wheeler Mission Ministries in Indianapolis as a Winter Contingency Monitor at the WMM Center for Women and Children.  Our shelter is the designated winter overflow site for Indianapolis.  During the winter months, women and children come and stay in our building when it is too cold for them to bear it outside.

Some of the women who come to our shelter do so every winter; they are chronically homeless - and they are content with that lifestyle.  Some women come through our doors completely shell-shocked.  They have been evicted, put-out, or are escaping an unsafe situation.

We feed them, clothe them, and give them a safe and warm place to sleep.  We also connect them with resources we offer at WMM or we help them connect with resources that are a better fit for them and their situation.

Once in awhile one of them will "go off" on me.  I don't take it personal; some of these women have very tough personalities from time spent on the streets.  They will tell me I don't have a clue about them or their struggles.  And that is when I say:

"Oh, but I do."

You see, a little over a year ago I wasn't far removed from these ladies.  I was one of them.  In October 2012 I walked through the very same doors utterly broken--I was a drug addict with no place to go.  In the days before, I had signed over custody of my daughter to her dad and called up friends to tell them what was going on.  I had been a drug addict for years.  Pills, mostly.  Whatever I could get my hands on, I took.  I was a typical addict.  I lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, and lied some more.  Later on I learned that I was addicted to other things--being the victim, for instance.  Holding resentment.  Whining and complaining.  I was a mess, and though I had done a fairly decent job of hiding it, what was done in the dark came to the light.  It always does.

As I entered into Wheeler Mission's long term addiction recovery program, the thought of being there for a year plus scared the you-know-what outta me.  I wanted to quit more than once.  There were times I felt as if I were living under a microscope (and in a sense I was) and wanted to go out on the streets and try my luck there.  But I stayed put.  And slowly I began to heal.  It wasn't a steady climb.  It was more like long plateaus followed by realizations that I hurt less.

I faced my demons and slayed them.  My relationship with my family is being restored.  My body is being restored (I have slept better this past year than I have in the previous five years combined).  I learned that I can both enjoy and face life's trials without pills to numb me.  My daughter, Holly, is thriving in her home with her dad and soon-to-be stepmom.  Holly is so smart and beautiful and she is restoring her trust in me.  As I write this she is one week away from turning 9 and I thank God everyday that He delivered me from addiction so that I will be able to be part of her life as she grows up.

As for me personally…I am humbled every single day to know that the place (Wheeler) that literally saved my life had faith in me and offered me a job.

These ladies that I work with constantly remind me of Jesus' commandment to love the Lord your God with all your being and to love your neighbor as yourself.  I am thankful and honored to be able to give back what has been given to me.

I truly love "my ladies" as I call them.  They give me strength to keep loving (difficult as it may be sometimes) and serving for the glory of God.  I believe God also has me in this position to help me be vigilant in remembering how desperate I was when I walked through these doors.  Desperate to live.  Desperate to live free of addiction.  Desperate to heal.

A lot has changed for me in the past year.  Some dreams had to be let go.  But that's okay.  Because right where I am is where I need to be. And it makes room for even bigger dreams. 

- Amy 

My Child Shall Lead Me

I've been reflecting a bit this afternoon.  About learning important things.

For me.

From Teagan.

This girl can sure put me through the wringer.  She can push my buttons like nothing else.  Sometimes her choices leave me... embarassed.  Frustrated. Uncertain of my parenting.  That doesn't happen often but it's been a big part of parenting to learn that lesson so early in this job.

Most days, I enjoy her humor and her thought process and her energy and her need for affection.

Recently, she has impacted my life in 3 big ways.

First, a random little comment.  But it meant so much.  I was getting ready for work.  Actually, I was looking in the mirror in the bathroom, trying to decide if I really had to go through and take the flat iron to my hair or if I could somehow make the sticking out parts pass for stylish.  I'm a low maintenance mama so if I can skip a big to-do over my hair, I'm all for it.  Teagan walked in to the bathroom, looked at me and said, "You're so pretty."  And then walked out.  A simple compliment that meant a lot.  She and I have been talking lately about how people have seen a picture of me from when I was around her age and they say she looks just like me.  And I've been an advocate before - if you tell your child they look like you and then you criticize how you look, you are criticizing your child.  Her confidence has been boosting lately and I felt like her compliment to me wrapped around to also be a compliment to herself.

Me and my mom, circa... 1983, maybe?

Second, I had a major proud mama moment and I have gushed to her about it privately because I wanted her to know that I was happy with her.

Today, Teagan and I went to my sister-in-law's baby shower.  We made friends with 2 women at our table - one a friend of my sister in law's and one a co-worker of my sister in law.

The games started.  The third game was a word un-scramble.  The friend we were sitting with and I (with Teagan as my helper) both tied and won (candles were the prize).  A couple more games go by.  Teagan, being a rather competitive child, is enjoying them.  I remind her, gently, once or twice, that we already won.  Another game comes up and Teagan and the co-worker end up talking through it, working together.  Teagan wins the game.  Another candle.  She passes it to the two women so they can smell it.  She then asks the co-worker which one she likes best... and then gives her that candle.  The woman tried to run it down and Teagan said, "Oh no! You and I worked together on that game! And my mom and I already won something.  I want you to have it!"

I don't know that I could have felt more proud.  And humbled at the same time.

Third.  Gulp.  This one is going to require some big changes.

Teagan's class worked on New Year's Resolutions at school.  From what she has told me, they each set a resolution for school and for home.

Her resolution for home?

She wants to start running.

Just like Mommy used to do.  Hard to believe it's been 3 years since I peaked.  And then quit.

So we're formulating a plan.  She wants to start running in the evenings 3x per week after winter - say, in March.  Which is ideal for me to do Couch to 5K.  But I'm so out of shape now that I still won't keep up with her.

I need to start now.

So it's time to get organized.  Time to start hitting the gym on my lunch hour.  Walking on the treadmill.  Riding a bike.  Hitting the elliptical.  It's time to go through my workout clothes, evaluate my shoes, pack a gym bag.

Because my daughter wants to run.  With me.  And she wants to do a 5K in June.

My child shall lead me.

Let's Read A Book!

I love to read.  There is something magical about getting lost in someone else's life, in another world, in another time through the pages of a book.  I love falling head over heels into the life of a character... and hating to see the end of the book because it means my relationship with them is over.

Few things in life are as a lovely as a hot bubble bath, a glass of red wine, and a good book.

Or a weekend where I can tear through a book in a day.

Those things don't happen too often anymore.

I enjoy reading but don't seem to have much time for it.

I also know that one of the best ways for kids to become readers is for kids to see their parents reading for their own enjoyment.  Reading to your kids and with your kids is important - but one of the biggest influences is parents who have their nose in a book.

I am currently reading "What Alice Forgot" by Liane Moriarty.  It's about a woman who hits her head and suddenly forgets the last 10 years.  And her life is very different than she had imagined it would be.  So the story is kind of working backwards... how did things get to this point?  I'm enjoying it and am about halfway through.  I have a small stack of books to read... "Overextended and Loving Most of It" by Lisa Harper, "Starter House" by Sonja Condit, and there is a book club at church that I would love to be more involved with so I will have to review their list for this year.

On my list of "want to read or reread:"
Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
The Ocean At The End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman
Wife 22 by Melanie Gideon
Her: A Memoir by Christa Parravani
Give Me Everything You Have by James Lasdun
We Are Water by Wally Lamb
After Dead: What Came Next in the World of Sookie Stackhouse by Charlaine Harris
Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld

And actually... my list of "want to read" on Goodreads is 60+ (some for me, some for Teagan).

Teagan is a reader and tends to have a couple books going on at once.  She is a big fan of Geronimo Stilton (a series of chapter books about a mouse detective) so she almost always has a Geronimo book somewhere.  For Christmas, she received "The One and Only Ivan" by Katherine Applgate.  It's about a gorilla who lives at a small circus in a mall and is friends with an elephant and a dog.  Ivan, the gorilla, enjoys art.  That's about as much as we've learned so far.  We're reading this one together simply because this book has been on my list for a while so I was thrilled that she got it for Christmas from a family member.

Zach enjoys being read to and is getting stornger in reading on his own.  He likes to deny his reading ability.  He will read something on a sign or on the TV screen and if we say "Zach! Did you read that?" - he claims he just knew or he guessed.  But he is steadily moving through the reading levels at school and is starting to share that more and more at home.  I'm hoping that Teagan's love for Geronimo Stilton will pass along to Zach - they are books that can easily be enjoyed by boys and girls.

Jeff is currently reading "Divergent" by Veronica Roth.  It's been made into a movie which comes out in a few months.  I'd like to read it when he is done since there is a chance we will see the movie.  I almost always prefer to read the book prior to seeing the movie.

What are you reading right now?  Or what have you read recently that you recommend?