Monday, May 31, 2010
It went well. I will say that church has never gone faster for me. The morning flew by.
First service always has a smaller crowd and a more intimate feel. Perfect for the first delivery. I stayed behind the music stand and I think I did a good job of reading but also looking up and connecting with the congregation. I didn't always go with what was written on my paper- some of the bits that were more story telling were "off script."
I know I connected emotionally with a lot of people- I could tell by their faces as I spoke. It was interesting to watch the faces and see when people would fade out and when they really listened and when they were purposefully looking at me to cheer me on!
The topic of the sermon... well, I'm not a very "topical" person so it's hard for me to pinpoint it. I was telling my story of how I came to be involved and how my involvement has grown and changed and what being really connected in and involved at my church means to me. I focused on using Time, Talent, and Treasure as a way to make God's love actionable.
And just as I am quite gifted at being rather wordy here on the blog, I'm quite capable of talking for a long time, too. I clocked in at just over 23 minutes- which is the exact time that is ideal for editing for the radio show.
After each service, I received fantastic support and love from my church family. People I know as good friends hugged me and praised me. People that I greet each week but don't know well went out of their way to thank me for the message. Some of the things people said to me meant a lot- like hearing that I was a really good storyteller or being told that my friend was proud of me (said as she hugged me tightly). Shared an emotional hug from my father-in-law; I was touched because I knew he was proud of me.
But what I wanted most of all was a hug from my husband. And I got it and more- I know he was proud of me and that he appreciated what I had to say in my sermon.
My husband was proud of me.
I was nervous. But I was also excited and I felt very purposeful. I knew why I was there and I knew the message that God had given me to deliver. When I had been working on writing my sermon, I had all kinds of ideas that went nowhere when I sat down to write. One Sunday, during a sermon, I got the loud and clear message that I needed to share my own story. Thankfully, I carry a notebook with me and was able to start jotting down what eventually became the outline. As soon as I could get to my computer... I prayed and opened myself up and I wrote and wrote and wrote. I didn't change a lot from that first rough draft that I'd sent to my pastor to review. I didn't rehearse my sermon a lot or read it over and over and over. I went in and shared the message I was intended to share. I was honest and genuine in everything that I said and shared- just as I am here on the blog.
I enjoyed the experience and I know that I am still processing what it all means to my connection to God and to my church and to my friends and family. Oh, and Jeff did sneak in one picture during my sermon...
Psssst... those are my brand new, size 12 capris that I just bought. They have this awesome "comfort fit waistband" (Lee) that prevents them from gapping when I lean forward or squat down and the waistband doesn't flip over when I sit.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
I posted over at FitCity Indy yesterday. As often as I can, I've been attending every other week chats on Twitter that FitCity hosts. There is a different guest each chat who is there to answer questions about food, fitness, healthy lifestyle. This week, I posted about how those chats are magic- at least for me. Hop over and I hope you will leave a comment and maybe include a link to your favorite online motivation for staying focused on fitness! Click the button below.***
A week ago, I went out with a group of theatre friends. Actually, I only ever worked with 3 of the women in the group. 4 of the women I have met through these nights out (I get invited because I'm still friends with Christy). We went to a local hibachi place and had a blast. I enjoyed 2 small glasses of wine and those small glasses of wine certainly helped me find great humor in the turtle tank when I ventured off to find the bathroom:***
I greatly enjoyed this week's Farm Fresh Delivery again! This week, instead of just accepting what was sent, I went online and customized my delivery bin. I got strawberries (2 containers), blueberries (1 small container), an artichoke, an avocado, 2 kiwi, a bunch of radishes, a bunch of carrots, a pound of peas (in shell), a pound of green beans, a lemon, oyster mushrooms, baby spinach. My kids have created a new favorite snack- hollow out a strawberry and fill it out 3-4 blueberries. Never would have been possible with regular strawberries but the ones we got were HUGE!***
I had a very frustrating drive home on Wednesday. It had already been a long day and I was exhuasted and I had to go do the mom-school-Teagan-Ball thing and all I wanted to do was go home and put on my red athletic pants (from Ashli) and zonk out. So that kind of lets you know my mood. Our route home is usually mostly highway. Yesterday, we cam upon major traffic so Christy and I decided we'd take our back roads route. It usually serves us well. Not this time. Traffic, traffic everywhere. Red lights at every turn. I finally got on the main road that goes from one side of town to the other (116th Street). The stretch I would drive would be about 5-6 miles. Not long after turning onto this main road, and immediately hitting a major back up, a woman passes by on her bicycle. Ha ha ha, right? Traffic starts to move and we pass her.
Traffic backs up again and she passes us. Hm.
We finally get to a major cross road and have caught up to each other. Traffic looks bad so I opt to head south and then cross over and come back up north. Traffic was bad that way, too. We finally make it back up north and are about to the cross street near home and what do I see?Yep. That's her. Yep.
Happy Friday!! Any big, fun plans for the weekend??
Teagan has pre-k graduation on Saturday morning (*sniff, sniff*).
2 more local Farmer's Markets open this weekend (not sure I will get to them but we'll see).
Sunday, the church choir kids are going to lead the congregation in a worship song for the first time!
I also have some planting left to finish- herbs, peony, sneezeweed.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
This week, she posted on Facebook about fear of failure... or maybe even fear of success. It's been sticking in my mind ever since. She said that she thinks she has a fear of success and that leads to self-sabotage as she gets closer to her goal.
I totally understand. I've certainly done that before. And I've certainly thought about it over the last month or so.
I can't possibly understand what goes on in Ashli's head. But I can share my own experience from my own perspective.
Is it fear of success or is it fear of the unknown?
Personally, I enjoy success. I like to achieve goals and I like how I feel when I accomplish something.
In my moments of weakness, when I am struggling inside my head and fighting the urges...
Here's what it sounds like, my self talk. "This is such a pain in the rear. I'm so tired of cutting up veggies, I don't have time to plan my dinner, I'm bored with grapefruit and spinach. It would just be easier to get a Big Mac. I deserve a Big Mac! I have been so good for so long and it would totally be ok to just go crazy for a day."
Then the fear talk starts up. "If I have a Big Mac... and fries... and soda... what if that is the end of the success I've had so far? What if I'm not really as in control as I think I am? What if a Big Mac leads to chimichangas and tacos and whoppers and deep fried everything?"
Then I remind myself... that this is an ongoing journey. I will slip and even fall and I will always have the option to make a different choice the next time.
So I think it isn't so much, for me, that I fear success. I think it's more a discomfort with the unknown.
For the past decade, my life has been all about fast food, sweet treats, and achieving a type of pleasure through food. Knowing that I could always grab a Big Mac or drive through for a milk shake or pick up breakfast at Chick Fil A. That was my normal, my comfort level.
And here I am, working really, really, really hard to create a new definition of normal.
And that can be overwhelming and, honestly, scary.
I think back to when Jeff and I brought Teagan home from the hospital... and we were suddenly overwhelmed and scared. But there was no out. I couldn't quit being a mom. Yes, I could take a break from time to time and it was good for me to take a break from time to time. But being a mom was and is always top priority. Even when I take a break.
I also think about parenting and how I parent... Do I focus on the long term goal? Am I set on what the outcome of my parenting choices will be? Am I determined that I will reach a certain goal of what kind of adults my kids will become?
No, I'm not. In all honesty, I usually focus on just getting through the day.
It's not that I'm going blind in my parenting role. I know what kind of mom I want to be and I have philosophies about parenting my children that are important to me. I study and read and seek to improve and work with my husband on the hard choices and the easy choices.
And I guess it's kind of scary to think about my relationship with food and exercise to be that way, too.
As I get close to a goal or a breakthrough... it gets scary to think about this change, this new way of living, about having this be my new long term. Kind of like the adjustment I made to becoming a mother.
I do think that it's also possible that how we treat ourselves and how we think of ourselves and how we talk to ourselves plays a big role in how we approach our bodies and our goals and our desires. In my past, even though I wasn't overweight at the time, I didn't treat my body with love and respect because I didn't feel I deserved it. I felt shame, anger, resentment towards my body. So I punished myself in my own way- messing around with a lot of other guys. Not sleeping around, just to be clear.
I've known people who have expressed that they fail at weight loss or getting fit because they get to that point where they are really seeing the changes and feeling better and stronger... and they don't feel like they "deserve" to feel so positively about themselves.
I also think there is something to be said for living life waiting for what's next versus appreciating what's already here. What if we applied that to being healthy?
I believe in living in this moment because this moment is what I have. When I am feeling overwhelmed, the best thing I can do is focus on this exact second, this exact minute, this one task in front of me. I have to focus and channel my mind, my energy so that I can block out all the what ifs and have-to-do's.
Perhaps the same is true with getting healthy. If all I focus on is where I want to be, then I'm not taking time to focus on what I have right now. If all I want is to fit into a size 8, then I won't be content with the size 14 I've already dropped down to from an 18. I'm dismissing the success I've already had, I'm judging it to be "not enough."
That doesn't mean we don't have goals and that we don't want to accomplish and push and try harder. But maybe we could all benefit from taking more time to sit still with what we have now.
When I look in the mirror, am I thinking about what the shape of my legs will be in 3 months? Or am I admiring the new shape and muscle tone that wasn't there 3 months ago?
I think it's pretty common in our culture to always be rushing and looking forward and finding what's next. And I think that can be damaging because then we miss out on what's already around us.
So those are my scattered and rambling thoughts on the fear of failure, the fear of success, the potential for self sabotage.
I need to remember that this is a lifetime, lifestyle change and that it will take time to adjust and get used to it. And that, again, like parenting, the changes will keep coming. There isn't a final destination where everything is just done. Life will continue to change around me and I have to be able to adjust with it. I have to remember to treat myself kindly, with love and respect and admiration. And I have to remember to focus on what I've accomplished so far, what I have right now, and not get bogged down with where I haven't gotten to yet.