Monday, January 1, 2018

Seeking the Sacred

I'm not big on resolutions for the new year. I've done the "word for the year" thing but it doesn't really stay with me, either.

I am intrigued by the idea of doing something daily. I don't usually think of it until the middle of the year. No idea why I can't just start it on that day but something just feels refreshed and new with the changing of the calendar.

However, I am usually lacking ideas for what I should specifically track or do daily.

At church this past Sunday, our pastor said something in the sermon about the random places where we find the sacred. And it got me to thinking that I have not paid much attention to that - to those places where the Holy Spirit surrounds me. I used to feel very in tune with those moments. But now, it's more like hindsight. I can look back and see where God was with me, where I leaned on my faith.

So I'm setting a loose goal to blog. Maybe daily. Maybe weekly. But to write down those moments of ordinary where I encounter the Sacred. Where I meet the Holy Spirit. Where I recognize the grace of God.

2017 ended with a lot of struggle in our family.

Dec 12 - The week before winter break, Teagan woke up puking in the middle of the night. 24 hour stomach bug.

Dec 16 - I take Zach to Urgent Care because he has leg pain from tripping over anothe rkid at recess the day before. This is where the nightmare began. They did an xray. It showed an abnormality.

I won't go through every painful detail. I have written out everything I can remember from that day. It started a ball rolling that we never imagined would be in our lives.

First, we ruled out leukemia. Yes, this was a terrible, awful, terrifying day.  This was done via blood work in the ER of our children's hospital.  He is given crutches and told to keep weight off the leg.

Next, an MRI was done. Dec 21. Met with a pediatric oncologist for a dose of hope - she didn't see signs of malignancy. She sends us to an ortho because there is nothing immediate that she needs to do based on the MRI. There is a mass at the top of his right fibula.

We see the ortho the next day, Dec 22. He reviews the X ray and MRI. He says it could be as minor as a mass of cartilage or as major, but certainly more rare, as being a sarcoma that would require chemo and surgery and other scary things. Step one is a bone biopsy to see what is inside the mass.

Dec 27 is his biopsy. He is under general anesthesia. The procedure takes about an hour. The doctor says what he saw showed a consistent whiteness, no discoloration. These are good signs. The mass is encapsulated - totally contained.

In the midst of all of this, Teagan ends up with strep throat. We catch it immediately and get her on antibiotics right away. My mother in law ends up in the hospital. My grandma ends up in the hospital.

So I have spent winter break being anxious, in tears, terrified... being brave for my boy, needing to just be held by my husband... we have taken turns crying, fearing the changes to our future. We have found relief and joy as we pass certain hurdles and cross scary words off the list that we never knew we were keeping.

Now it is a new year. January 1.         

Zach is still on crutches. We should have biopsy results this coming week.

This morning, the waterproof post-surgery bandage came of his little leg. Seeing the stitches, the marks on his leg... broke my heart into little pieces all over again.

And then he puked. Because of the crutches, he couldn't make it to the bathroom. So the kitchen floor took it. And the splatter meant a LOT of clean up. Jeff handled the worst of it. I steam cleaned the floor and lysoled it. He ran the carpet shampooer on the small section outside the kitchen. We got Zach cleaned up and into bed to rest.

I decided to go ahead and shampoo the carpet in the hallway since we had the machine all set up anyway. Jeff sat with Zach while he was resting and I shampooed the carpet.

The machine was loud - drowning out all sounds around me. The process requires not being in a hurry. You have to be slow and patient.

And this is where I met the sacred today. In my hallway as I shampooed the carpet. Moving slowly, patiently, methodically. Allowing my brain to wander or rest.

I cried. Everyone was tucked away behind closed doors so I was alone with my shampooer and carpet. Tears down the cheeks as I allowed myself to touch on all the fear and anxiety and even just the blasted unfairness of how hard these past weeks have been.

I cried for myself. For my little boy. For my daughter and husband.

I cried for the families of kids who live with mobility restrictions and the circumstances they must have when sick.

I cried for the families who don't get those blood results back with good news. I cried for those who spent Christmas in the hospital.

I realized that I used to think my faith was about carrying me through hard times until I could be happy again. But as I shampooed the carpet, it struck me that joy doesn't mean being happy all the time. Peace doesn't mean never having troubles.

In the midst of all of this difficulty, there has been love and laughter. Joy. There has been hope and relief. Peace.

Moments. Hard moments. Impossible, frozen in time moments. Warm moments. Hugging moments. Love moments. Strength moments. Hand holding, game playing, hugging, holding, on my knees praying moments.

Jan 1 - Today, I found the Sacred as I shampooed carpet.

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