The Aftermath

Whew!  What a whirlwind!

It was an interesting holiday.

There were some gifts that were a huge hit that I didn't expect to be so popular.  There were gifts that I thought would be a hit that were... meh.

With our kids, we followed the little poem "Something you want, something you need, something you wear, something you read."  Then a main gift from Santa and a stocking full of smaller goodies.

Teagan:
Want: Rapunzel from Tangled
Need: new sneakers
Wear: bathrobe
Read: set of first four Magic Treehouse books
Santa: Princess Celestia from My Little Pony
Stocking: Goldilicious (book), markers, headbands, nail polish, Scooby Doo spin brush, Little Mermaid bath scrubby.

Zach:
Want: superhero action figures (Jeff picked out 3)
Need: new sneakers
Wear: superhero undies (he has Marvel undies and this was a set of DC)
Read: 3 books with a common theme of having something to do with space (Aliens Wear Underpants, Skippyjon Jones Lost In Spice, There's No Place Like Space)
Santa: Thor action figure and foam Thor hammer, Yes Day (book), markers, Scooby Doo spin brush, bath scrubby (Spiderman).

Jeff and I decided to not do big gifts for each other this year.  The kids had each gotten him a jar candle in a scent he's been looking for.  I went with the odd and silly route and got him food storage containers (since he's been cooking more lately), a mini megaphone (so we can always hear him), and a whoopie cushion (because Jeff is funny).  I got a new nightgown from Teagan (she picked it because it has coffee and donuts on it).  Zach got me a pint of homemade strawberry jam from my favorite breakfast spot- Sunrise Cafe (locally, family owned business) and a Tervis tumbler from there as well. 

We also have a whole new pile of toys from friends and family- Barbies and superheroes and vehicles and puzzles and treats.  Today, we try to sort it out and organize and put away. 

Jeff's birthday is a week away... now the stressful buying decisions have to be made.  It's hard to buy for him.  I have some ideas but nothing that I know he wants.

But the biggest part of today is recovering from our Christmas hangover.  The past week has been filled with candy and treats and presents and family gatherings and late nights and celebrations.  While Jeff and I have tried to remain consistent in our discipline, we've also let a lot of things go because they've been operating under Grandma rules or whatever.  So today isn't necessarily a fun day.  Today is a work day.  Today, we get caught up on dishes and we throw out bags and bags and bags of trash.  Today, we do laundry and clean bathrooms and floors.  Today, we figure out if we have any toys we can donate to Goodwill.  Today, we get back to healthier food choices.

Merry Christmas Aftermath.

Oh! There it is!

I posted earlier this week about struggling to find my Christmas Spirit.

There is no big change.  But there is change. 

There were some wise comments left on that post.  And I also had a great conversation with Christy about how I was feeling.  And then I might have had a minor breakdown on Tuesday evening as all of the stress, exhaustion, being overwhelmed, and so on just came to a head. 

The heart to heart with Christy got the ball rolling.  She understood exactly what I was feeling and validated that I wasn't making it up or overstating my stress load and that my feelings were completely valid. 

Tuesday, I was rushing from a long day at work to get home to rush through something with the kids and rush off to my next thing and then I hit a major traffic jam and just had a break down.  I called Jeff and the stress overflowed and I cried a little on the phone and a whole lot more after I hung up.

Then I spent 2 hours at church assembling lasagnas with a small team of people and I started to feel connected and plugged in again.  One of those people was a guy who was part of our church before I joined.  Then he and his wife had moved away for a while.  And now they are back.  And I've missed them!  And I had an opportunity to share with him the impact he and his wife had on me the first time I visited our church- that they were part of the reason I kept coming back.  It was a great part of my day.

I was still kind of fragile on Wednesday.  The kids went off to school and my husband took some time to hold me and talk to me and reassure me and just love me.  And I needed that recharge more than I realized.  Off to lunch at a friend's house with a fantastic group of women that I was involved in a special holiday project with the past month... and my heart started to open up to the joy that was all around me.

And what really got me was a gift given to me by the friend hosting our luncheon.  It was a set of spices from Penzeys but it was the card that came with the spices that warmed my heart and soul.  It comes with this lovely printed card about being kind and showing kindness to others.  I loved it.

Thursday brought Lazy Day.  The kids were excited for it but the excitement lead to a lack of being lazy.  Thankfully, I was still able to spend most of my morning at home in bed while they played in the playroom. 

And then something happened...

I was on Facebook and a mom friend posted that if you are in her area and are the first to respond, she had a tray of cinnamon rolls to bring over.  I posted "YUM!" and next thing I know... arrangements are being made for her to bring me the cinnamon rolls!  It was fantastic to see her and her kids for a few minutes and even more fantastic to snack on those tasty treats with my kids!

Suddenly- the Christmas Spirit was sneaking in.  I started reading about that project those moms and I have been working on and realizing the impact the project had made and would be making this season.  I wrapped a few presents with the kids.  I made plans for a special "last minute shopping day" for Friday. 

I started to realize that our traditions were starting up and it was time to sit back and enjoy.  I enjoyed some time at church at music practice- just some time singing traditional Christmas carols (my favorite Christmas music) and also laughing with friends.

And now I am sitting at home, watching various Christmas specials and concerts on my local public television station.  I'm about to wrap some more presents. 

I'm starting to feel some excitement about Christmas.  There are still times that I struggle with some negativity- I'm not fully recovered or miraculously healed from the stress of my workload or whatever.  But I'm feeling a bit more like myself right now and that feels great.

FitCity: Forgiveness

Go... read... comment.

Please and thank you!

*****

It’s that time of year- the time when treats and meals and pitch-ins and potlucks and cookies and baked goodies abound.  It’s that time of year where we get so busy running errands, making lists, wrapping gifts, and so on that there just isn’t time for our usual priorities.

Unfortunately, my priorities slipped months ago and I’ve been struggling to recover.

I’ve gained a lot of weight.  I’ve stopped working out.  I was starting to get back on track but then the holidays hit and everything was a struggle again.  There is a long list of reasons and excuses as to how I’ve gotten back into this unhealthy lifestyle.

Part of me wants to be angry with myself, to beat myself up, to sit back and wonder how I could let this happen.  Part of me wants to be optimistic and look to the future and how I will get back on track.

But I think the first thing I have to do is forgive myself.

I have to forgive the days of not going to the gym and not getting up early to workout and not finding any time in the evening for some exercise.

I have to forgive my shopping habits that went from being prepared for a healthy lunch and breakfast to relying on fast food and treating myself to meals out.

I have to forgive myself for giving in to laziness and exhaustion.

Life changes happen.  There is a reason why changing your life from one of unhealthy choices to healthy living is full of challenges.  There’s a reason why it isn’t easy.  I’ve spent the last few weeks being pretty angry with myself over getting to this point.  I’ve been depressed about the condition my body is in again.

I helped a friend clean our church and my arms were sore after washing windows.  The idea of running makes me cringe.  When I try to play one of my dancing games, I see the reflection of my rotund self and feel pretty gross.  My energy has plummeted.

Life has gotten crazy.  My schedule is overwhelmed with higher requirements at work, with commitments I’ve made to my church family, with commitments I’ve made to my kids, with attempts at quality time with my husband.  I don’t think I’ve ever known how it felt to truly be so busy.  And the thing that went first was my exercise plan.  After that, it was a fast downward spiral back into night time snacking, junk food grabbing, and even a stint of a daily stop at the vending machine.

Last night, I saw a picture of myself and realized that I have to make some serious changes.  Immediately.

Making big changes as I face the holidays is a plan to fail- I know that.  But after the holidays, it’s time to start planning on getting my diet back in check.  I need to focus on fresh fruits and veggies.  I need to start tracking what I consume throughout the day.  I need to get my eating habits back in check- no more eating after the kids go to bed, no more grabbing a drive thru dinner full of unhealthy choices to ease my stress level. I need to get back into a regular exercise regiment.  That might be getting back to running or it might be finding some group exercise classes.  No matter what, I need to make a plan and stick to it.

I forgive myself for the bad choices I’ve been making.  I forgive myself for not keeping my health and well-being a priority.

Once I have forgiven myself, I can move forward and make it right.  I can make better choices and I can stick to it- I’ve proven that to myself before.

Forgiveness.  It’s what this holiday season is all about for me!

Wanted: Christmas Spirit

I've been hesitant to really talk about this because it makes it truly real.  I mentioned it on my Facebook page last week.  And my blog buddy 4th Frog blogged about it today so I'm going to out myself, too.

I can't seem to find my Christmas Spirit this year.

Every year, I get really excited about Christmas.  I love the holidays.  I love the lights and the baked goodies and the Christmas carols and the generosity and the gift giving and the time with friends and family.  I've often been the bearer of Christmas Spirit to family gatherings.

This year... it's just not there.  I'm not feeling it and I don't know why.

We've done a lot of our traditional holiday things this month.  We went caroling with our church to a nursing home.  We've gone to see the fantastic light displays in our neighborhood and in our town.  We've been shopping and gift-giving and planning.  We've been practicing for our Christmas program at church.

I've been part of some amazing generosity this holiday season and that usually warms my heart.

But this year, something is missing.

The sermon at church yesterday was all about the gift of Joy.  I've been doing a devotional series and the focus right now is on Joy.  And yet... my Joy is missing.  Not completely- my foundation is joyful, my faith is still founded in Joy.  But on the surface this Christmas, my Joy seems to be lacking.

I have little moments where I stop and smile. But my heart is normally bursting with love and joy by this time of the year and it just hasn't happened yet.

I saw something someone posted on Facebook recently that talked about steps to happiness and the first one was to think less and feel more.  Maybe I'm thinking too much and not feeling enough?

Maybe it's the stress of the job?  Maybe I'm too tired?  Maybe I'm not focused on the right things?

I just know there are some great things going on around me, great things I've been a small part of, great things happening to great people... and I can't seem to find the joy inside of me.  I've had moments of joy when my kids spontaneously sing "Rudolph" together and I've had my spirit fill up when I read of those Layaway Angels and I've been deeply touched by the outpouring of support when needs are brought to the surface.

And yet, there is something missing inside of me and I don't know what it is that's missing.

So if you've got some holiday spirit to spare, I'd love to have some of yours.  If you find some laying around, send it my way.  Or if you happen to find mine, could you please return it to me right away?

Christmas Cards

I love Christmas cards.  I love getting the mail and seeing the envelopes that I know contain holiday greetings.

I love cheesy annual newsletters that fill me in on what is going on in another family's life.  I love the cheesy ones, the boring ones, and even the ones that seem like oversharing.

I love the snapshot cards so I can see how families and friends are changing and growing and aging.

I love that someone thought of our family when they made that list and bought those stamps and mailed those cards.

However.

I stink at sending Christmas cards.  Really stink at it.  I maybe get around to it every couple of years.  I did a newsletter the first 2 years of Teagan's life but then I had a second kid and all that potential for being organized went out the window.  One year, I bought the cards and just never mailed them.  For several years, I obsessively bought boxes and boxes of cards on clearance for the next year.  But never sent them and sometimes couldn't even find where I had stashed them.

This year, I have cards to send.  I don't have a lot but they've been getting a very positive reaction so far.  I purchased these last Christmas from Usborne Books and I need to find out if they still sell them because I want to do this every year.

My kids colored these cards.  I've had the delightful experience of handing a card to a friend (twice now, actually) and watching their face light up when they read what's inside:

Merry Christmas!
Jeff, Liz
Teagan & Zach
Colored for you by Teagan (age 6) and Zach (age 4)

It's a card that is also a keepsake, a gift.  I'm going to have to keep one for myself.  They are all sealed up in envelopes and I think I might pick a random one, write the year on it, and store it in my cabinet and never open it until I'm old and gray and my kids are grown and I have grandkids to share them with.

I think I found a new Christmas tradition!

Making Friends

I'm connected to so many people.  And I feel like I always know who I could turn to for different problems or for advice on certain topics or whatever.

But I have to admit that I don't let many people get really close. 

I have so many friends who read my blog and they feel close to me because I share so much.  But this is just my platform, my space, my place to share.  I'm an open book- I live my life authentically and I share my life authentically as well. 

I've been part of great communities for the past few years- my church and an online mom community.  I've witnessed amazing things happen in each of these groups.  In some circumstances, I'm a participant.  Sometimes I'm a leader.  Sometimes I'm a bystander.

I've watched as friendships have grown between others.  I've been happy for friends as I see deeper relationships forming between these moms.  I've been eager to see how they support each other, lift each other up, laugh together.

First and foremost, Jeff is my very best friend.  He and I have gone through some intense emotional stuff that could easily tear us apart or drive a wedge between us.  But one of the things I really love about us is that when things are tough for one of us, the other responds with love.  Even if we don't know exactly what the right response is... we know how to be there for each other.

Christy is my main friend.  She's my best friend.  She knows me inside and out, I think.  As well as she can, I suppose.  She'll tell you that my greatest fault is this independent streak that can prevent me from asking for help or accepting help.  I've always "done it all myself" and it can be tough to stop doing that.  I'm great at getting others involved- but when it comes to handling my own stuff, I'm not so good at reaching out.  Christy can usually see through that pretty well.

I have some women I have become friends with online and through my church- like Nancy and Ashli and Lety and Satch and Stacy and Kirsten and Jennifer and Jill and Linda and Paulette and more.  These are women that I typically see from time to time, for special occassions, or just through church. 

I'm starting to realize more and more that I want deeper relationships.  Or... more relationships being built.  I want more women friends in my life.  I want a bigger social group.  I want a group of women I can laugh with and cry with and turn to and drink with and talk with at any time.  I feel like I have little pieces of what I want scattered in all these different places but there is some part of me that holds back and doesn't fully put myself out there to be a true friend or to seek true friendship. 

For the past 7 years, I've been ok with that.  Jeff and I had a large social group when we did theatre.  It would ebb and flow based on the current show or cast but there was a core group of people that we spent time with on a regular basis.  That core group has changed a bit and we aren't so much a part of it anymore.  I do get to see those people and always very much enjoy time with them from time to time. 

But having kids paused our involvement with theatre.  And our social lives.  And that makes it hard to stay connected to people who continue to be committed to theatre and their social lives.  And it's hard to maintain friendships with other moms when we all have busy schedules pulling us in opposite directions.

For 7 years, I've been content to stay focused on Jeff, the kids, and been immensely thankful for having Christy in my life.

But now I want more. 

I am realizing more and more that I need to be truly connected to others.  Not just have people connect to who they think I am because they read my blog.  I want you to know ME.  I want you to talk to me, laugh with me share your problems with me, connect with me. 

I'm grateful to have a great foundation already with some great women.  I'm excited about some changes that are happening in the upcoming weeks and months that I think will lend to the growth of real friendships for me.

I'm so blessed to have so many fantastic people that I really respect, admire, and like in my life.  But it's time to take it a step further. 

Because now I need my inner Sally Field to be satisfied.  I want to know and be reassured that "You like me! You really like me!" 

I'm A Bad Liberal

I don't have any strong opinions on the Occupy movements going on across the country.

I've seen some opinions volley back and forth on the various social networks- clever videos or pictures.  I've read a few articles and listened to pieces on NPR.

But I'm not very educated on the Occupy movements, I'm not very interested, and I haven't really been very concerned.

I think that when I was younger and full of idealistic values, I might have been involved in some of these protests.

But now I'm an adult with a job, a family, and responsibilities.

I get that our country isn't the best.  What country is?  I don't know.  I understand that the protesters are standing up to fight against corporate sway over politics- I agree with that.  I understand that the protesters have a list of demands- I'm trying to find that list.  I know that the protesters have been pepper sprayed and that there are videos showing protesters being treated unfairly by police in what seems to be a peaceful protest, a peaceful gathering.  I know that the protesters are a mix of age, gender, race, and religion.

Yesterday, I saw an article and found myself shaking my head at the Occupy movement.  There is a plan to Occupy the ports of the West Coast.

How does that impact the 1%?  How is that going to hurt them?  What about all of the everyday workers who are impacted by that choice?  What about the dock workers who are part of the 99% who won't be able to work?  What about the manufacturing line workers who get sent home because the line gets shut down because they don't have materials- materials that were shipped and now stuck because they can't get in on the West Coast?

I saw a brief news piece on a protester who is now seen as a "traitor."  She said that everyday, people walking by would say things like, "Get a job!"  She felt she didn't have a good answer to that.  So she printed up her resume and made a sign that said she was looking for work.  She went from Occupy Wall Street to occupying a desk on Wall Street where she could end up being part of that 1%.

Maybe I'm "asleep" or maybe I'm "wearing blinders" or maybe I'm just not taking my liberal, bleeding heart seriously.

Or maybe I'm too busy impacting the lives of people around me.  Maybe I'm working my job in Corporate America and I'm saving for college for my kids and I'm blessed that this job offers health insurance and dental insurance and maybe because of this job, my family has a bit more security.  And maybe because of all that, I'm able to help others more than I would otherwise be able.

Part of me is intrigued by the Occupy protesters.  Part of me wants to learn more.  Part of me remembers my own activist heart and the things I used to stand for.

Most of all, I admit to being ignorant and staying ignorant.  Even after doing some reading before writing this blog post, I still feel pretty ignorant to exactly what kind of change needs to be seen to satisfy the protesters.

And the reason for my ignorance?  I'm busy.  Too busy to take time to go and protest something that I don't fully understand.  Too busy to take a day to read and listen to all the coverage and interviews and articles and YouTube videos.  My life is full of commitments and responsibilities that don't mesh well with these protests.

My only hope is that the protests stop disrupting the lives and jobs and businesses of people who are struggling- just like most of the people in this country.  Impacting local restaurants or shops, impacting imports and exports or other transportation, impacting "blue collar" jobs while attempting to make your point seems to defeat the purpose.

Have you had any Occupy experiences?  Are you ready to gather up your drum and dance topless to end corporate greed?  Are you prepared to be pepper sprayed because you stand up against the Big Banks?

Me... I'm just going to keep up with my own movement.  Occupy Liz.