I'm Needy. And It's Annoying.

So there's this new trend in my life and I don't like it very much.

I've always been fascinated by psychology.  I like understanding WHY people do things, feel things, choose things.  It's a question without a specific answer but discovering lots of different answers is part of the fascination for me.

And when I'm the one feeling stuff, I do get introspective and like to figure out WHY I'm feeling something.  Especially when it's something I'm really not used to feeling.

Like jealousy.

Like neediness.

I am generally a confident person.  Which sometimes works against me.  Because then vulnerability can be a really surprising feeling for me and for others.

Jealousy and neediness aren't usually things I feel.  So it's weird.

And then there is this cycle.

Something triggers my needy feeling.  And mind you - I am fully aware that I am generally reading into the trigger.  Meaning it's usually nothing but I make it up in my head to Be Something.

So then I feel all needy.  And then I feel stupid for feeling needy.  And then I feel guilty for putting my friend in a category in my head of creating neediness. I then I feel stupid again for overthinking and overfeeling stuff.  And then I want someone to reassure me that things are fine - which goes right back to neediness.  And then the guilt comes up again because my petty neediness shouldn't be clouding up someone else's celebration or overshadowing someone else's hard times.

When the heck did I become such a sap???

I have so many relationships that are very affirming! My friends and I are quick with the "I love you's" or having the conversations that indicate the importance of the friendship or giving lots of deep and warm hugs or holding hands as a sign of affection and support and love.

But not everyone is like that.  Not everyone is emotional or huggy or sappy.  And sometimes I don't know how to handle it.

And sometimes technology is a demon.  Back in the olden days... you used to rely on your home phone, seeing each other in person, and having a paper calendar.  The game got upped once we had answering machines and voice mail.  Now, we can so easily see our calendars, schedule our dates and events and functions, we can text and email and tweet and send facebook messages (why isn't there a clever name for a facebook message?), and when technology glitches... we stumble.

Last week, I had a few pieces of Dove chocolate.  I like the chocolate but am also amused by the little sayings inside - bits of advice or uplifting comments.  And I opened 2 in a row that had the same message inside.

Huh.  Nice little call out to a potential need for some old fashioned communication, eh?

And then the texting snafu began.  I'm not receiving texts.  From what I am reading, it is a mash up of issues - partially because I have dared to go against Apple by returning to the land of Android but Apple isn't willing to unassign my phone number as an iMessaging contact.  And partially due to the iPhone upgrade last week.  People I was normally receiving messages from - I'm not receiving messages anymore.

Another reminder about how important some of that old fashioned communication is.

But I have to admit.  It's darn hard to make phone calls to chat.  It's hard to find time on the calendar for dinner out with a friend.  My job requires my time.  My kids require my time. My husband requires my time. My faith requires my time.

So yes.  I am needy.  I seek affirmation.  But maybe it's because I'm being too lazy in my friendships.  I'm relying on technology to make friendship easier instead of using technology as a tool in my maintaining my friendships.

Time to schedule some dates.  With my kids, my husband, my friends.

Because I'm needy.  And it's annoying.

Love We Don't Deserve

I very much believe in God's grace.  And I very much like the short definition of - unending love that we don't deserve.

Today, I am relying heavily on God's grace.

Because all around me... there is pain.  I have friends and family who are going through things.

There's anger and resentment and confusion and sadness and depression.  There's self-hatred and self-pity and self-righteousness.  There are people causing hurt.  People saying mean things.  People being hurt, damaged, led astray.

There is death.  And mourning.

There's damage to families and stability.

These situations aren't mine to share and air.  But I am connected to them.  These are hard things happening to people I love.

And sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.  And then I feel guilty because I'm not the one going through it.  And then I feel silly for feeling guilty for not having troubles.  And then I worry that being free of Big Troubles opens me up to be attacked by Big Troubles.

And then I stop.  I take a breath.

And I remember God's grace.  I remember that there is unending love.  In the midst of pain and hardship and tragedy that has no explanation... there is God's love.  There are people who fiercely believe in that grace and who live to love others.

Sometimes, love and grace are the hardest to choose.  Sometimes, the problems we face feel insurmountable and impossible and devastating and completely unfair.

And sometimes they truly are.

But grace continues.  Love continues.

And when there is nothing else to hold onto... that is what I reach for.

The Santa Talk

At bedtime this evening, Teagan asked a question that we have somehow managed to pretty well avoid so far.

"Mom, is Santa Claus real? Because Mary and Susie said that he's not."

I took a deep breath.

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know that I've got some feelings about Santa.  This post best explains how we celebrate Santa in our home.

We've worked over the years to really refine how we address the Santa thing.  We want the focus at Christmas to be about giving to others and not about what we get from others.  So the legend of Saint Nicholas has always fit our holiday tradition.

And then she asked the Big Question.  Is Santa real?

I sat on her bed.

And I said...

A long time ago there was a ruler who didn't like people taking care of each other.  So he made rules against it and he punished people who gave to others.  Nicholas knew this wasn't what God wanted for people.  Nicholas knew that giving to others and helping others was the best way to love others.  So Nicholas found ways to sneak into houses and leave gifts and things that people and families needed.  Remember watching the Veggie Tales move about Saint Nicholas?  Well, he was very real and Santa Claus is how we remember Saint Nicholas - it's why we call Santa Claus "St. Nick."  Some families don't know the whole story about Saint Nicholas or forget about what that very real person did a long time ago.  In our family, we very much believe in Santa Claus and that Christmas is about what we give to others.  Does that answer your question?

Well... kind of.  But what do I say to the kids at school?  They don't believe in Santa.

Then you tell them... I believe in Santa in my heart. And I know about the things that Nicholas did a long time ago.  And because I know that Christmas is about giving to others and I know what Saint Nick did, I'm going to keep on believing in Santa in my heart.  Does that answer your question?

Yeah.  Yeah, I think that's good.

Whew.

St. Lawrence Fall Festival

Church festivals are the norm in Cincinnati and when I moved to Indy, I noticed that it didn't seem to be as much of a "thing."

And then I heard about St. Lawrence Fall Festival!

Food, casino games, beer tent, fun for the kids, live entertainment, rides.

It's the best way to say goodbye to summer!  And hello to fall!

It's a last chance for a pork tenderloin sandwich, roasted corn, and a lemon shake up.

It's time for family fun in the bounce house and playing games in the kid tent.

It's a ride on the ferris wheel.

It's time together, laughing, having fun, getting tired and full.  Enjoying the weather as it shifts from the heat of summer to the chill of fall.

It's being part of the community.

The St Lawrence Fall Festival starts tonight and ends Sunday.  Admission, parking and live entertainment are free - you pay for rides and food and such.  Saint Lawrence is located at Shadeland and 46th St.  You can check out details and pictures and such on the Facebook page or follow them on Twitter.

Have you been to the Saint Lawrence Fall Festival?  Tell me your favorite memory!  Did you grow up attending church and school festivals like this one?  Tell me about it!

Friday the 13th

I had to introduce my kids to the idea of Friday the 13th this year.  I casually suggested that Teagan ask about books dealing with Friday the 13th at this week's school library visit and was kind of surprised that my kids didn't just "know" about Friday the 13th!

When I was a kid, we took Friday the 13th very seriously.  We all ran around, terrified of the bad luck that was going to fall upon us from the sky at any moment.  I remember being extra careful to avoid stepping on cracks, breaking mirros, or walking under ladders on that date.  Black cats in the apartment complex were not my friend on Friday the 13th!

As an adult, I've given up my superstitions.

But there's something kinda fun about the urban legend of the date.

From Wikipedia:

Several theories have been proposed about the origin of the Friday the 13th superstition.

One theory states that it is a modern amalgamation of two older superstitions: that thirteen is an unlucky number and that Friday is an unlucky day.

• In numerology, the number twelve is considered the number of completeness, as reflected in the twelve months of the year, twelve hours of theclock, twelve gods of Olympus, twelve tribes of Israel, twelve Apostles of Jesus, the 12 successors of Muhammad in Shia Islam, twelve signs of the Zodiac, etc., whereas the number thirteen was considered irregular, transgressing this completeness. There is also a superstition, thought by some to derive from the Last Supper or a Norse myth, that having thirteen people seated at a table results in the death of one of the diners.
• Friday has been considered an unlucky day at least since the 14th century's The Canterbury Tales,^[5] and many other professions have regarded Friday as an unlucky day to undertake journeys or begin new projects.
• Friday is also the day when Jesus Christ was crucified, making it through folklore and adding to its unpopularity.
• One author, noting that references are all but nonexistent before 1907 but frequently seen thereafter, has argued that its popularity derives from the publication that year of Thomas W. Lawson's popular novel Friday, the Thirteenth,^[6] in which an unscrupulous broker takes advantage of the superstition to create a Wall Street panic on a Friday the 13th.^[1]
• Records of the superstition are rarely found before the 20th century, when it became extremely common. The connection between the Friday the 13th superstition and the Knights Templar was popularized in Dan Brown's 2003 novel The Da Vinci Code and in John J. Robinson's 1989 work Born in Blood: The Lost Secrets of Freemasonry. On Friday, 13 October 1307, hundreds of the Knights Templar were arrested in France, an action apparently motivated financially and undertaken by the efficient royal bureaucracy to increase the prestige of the crown. Philip IV was the force behind this ruthless move, but it has also tarnished the historical reputation of Clement V. From the very day of Clement V's coronation, the king falsely charged the Templars with heresy, immorality and abuses, and the scruples of the Pope were compromised by a growing sense that the burgeoning French State might not wait for the Church, but would proceed independently.^[7] However, experts agree that this is a relatively recent correlation, and most likely a modern-day invention.^[5][8][9]

How about you?  Do you find Friday the 13th to be an unlucky day?  Or maybe the opposite- does more good than harm pop up?  Or do you think the whole thing is a load of bunk?

Random Joy

Random things that have brought me parcels of joy lately...

Time with Grandma

Lost teeth

Yummy homemade family meals

Sunrise from a window at work

Sharing dessert with a friend

Coffee from Disney World - brought by a friend who was just there!

Being goofy with my kids

Go Stand In The Corner!

If I wasn't already convinced, I am now absolutely certain that my kids are weird.

We were driving home the other evening and Teagan pipes up with, "At our friend's house, they send their daughter to the corner when she's in trouble."

Zach: "Yeah! At my friend's house, there is a time out chair! We should have a time out corner!"

Now, when my kids get in trouble, it's not usually for doing a specific bad thing.  It's not usually for coloring on a wall or breaking Mommy's favorite mug.  It's usually attitude related.  Bad attitude?  Go to your room and I will come talk to you shortly.

I tried to explain that being sent to your room is very similar to standing in a corner or sitting in a time our spot.

And then the weirdness happened.

"I want to be sent to stand in the corner!"

"Yeah, me too!!"

OK... and how long, exactly should you stand there?

They actually negotiated with each other from 1 minute up to 8 minutes and back down to 5 minutes.

The next morning, they practiced.

And that evening?  Yep, an opportunity came up to stand in the corner.  And the guilty child did get quiet and stand for 5 minutes.  But the attitude was back almost instantly.

Because standing in the corner doesn't actually resolve the issue underneath the attitude.

But if my kids want to stand in the corner, who am I to stop them?


I think even Johnny would have had a different perspective if Baby had put herself in the corner, right?