Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Leave Me Alone

My kid started bullying again and I'm feeling like a failure. 

Leave me alone.

My period started 4 days early and the PMS is really bad. 

Leave me alone.

My kid had a terrible morning full of screaming and crying and moodiness. 

Leave me alone.

I have too much work to do and can't possibly make enough progress on it. 

Leave me alone.

Because one kid is having so many problems, I feel like I'm really ignoring the other kid and that leaves me continuing to tread water in the pool of Mommy Guilt. 

Leave me alone.

Jeff and I got snippy with each other this morning. 

Leave me alone.

Because I'm feeling so overwhelmed and unprepared and unsure about parenting my daughter through whatever has been going on with her since starting first grade, I am no longer excited about Fall Break and having a 4 day weekend with my family and 2 of those days being fun Mommy-and-kid days.  I actually think I'd rather just go to work. And then I feel guilty about that. 

So just leave me alone.

I want to crawl under my desk and hide. 

Leave me alone.

I want to go home and crawl back under my fuzzy blanket. 

Leave me alone.

I'm tired of trying to be strong and tired of trying to know what I'm doing. 

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone.  Because signs of graciousness and friendship and caring and compassion... things like hugs and kind words and attempts at reaching out... because someone trying to show me kindness, someone trying to take care of me, someone letting me be the not-so-strong one right now... will just bring me to tears and I'm afraid that if I really let go, I won't ever be able to hold on again.

It's just a bad day which is part of a bad week and a rough couple of months.  I'll get through this.  Teagan will be fine.  Zach is doing great.  Work is getting done and my hard work is noted and appreciated.  My husband and I love each other and are working through this stress in our home.  Life really is good, just a little scratchy right now.


Just leave.

I'm fine.

But don't go too far.



Call Me Cate said...

I'd have to swap out a lot of the in-betweens but I can completely relate to the "just leave me alone" parts. And I'll mostly leave it at that, because I know that when I'm in that place, I also tend to grrr at the encouraging words and suggestions. Hang in there, Liz. I'll leave you alone, but you also know where to find me.

Shell said...

I hope that things get better for you. I won't get too mushy on you- b/c I know that there are times when someone's kindness is whatit takes to make stop being strong and then I fall apart.

But, we're here when you need us.

Unknown said...

I'm sorry, Liz...sometimes things suck and right now you've got an abundance of sucky stuff to deal with. Hang in will get better! Do the best that you can and things will balance out.

Momza said...

This too shall pass.
Be patient with your self, Liz.
You don't have to know everything about raising kids--or anything else for that matter. You don't have to be an expert-anyone...just be yourself and that is good enough. Drink more water, get some rest. Things work out. They always do.

Alison said...

Totally get this.

Maybe you need a mental-health day. You don't need to have a fever to be sick. A day at home--no kids, no husband, NO CHORES, just Liz time--might give you enough restored energy to make it through for now.

If you can't do that, reschedule half of one of your kid'n'mom days for a Mommy time-out. It could be time to sit at a bookstore and read, time to go to a spa and fall asleep under the hair dryer, or time to go for a run and an ice cream--all by yourself.

We're not doing a very good job of leaving you alone, are we? :)

Mellodee said...

We've all been there from time to time. It's survivable, but not pleasant. Leaving now....

Rebecca said...

Lots of love and prayers for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Sending you a hug - from afar so cry if you need! This too shall pass.

Unknown said...

Hugs. I totally have those days. I hope it goes away soon.

Adrienne said...

PMS is the worst. I feel crazy right now too, on top of gaining 5 lbs over night! UGH! Hope it gets better for you!!

mimbles said...

*Pretends to be getting on with her own business while keeping one eye on your retreat watching for signs of movement under that fuzzy blanket and waiting to offer virtual hugs and reassurance when you're ready for them.*

Love ya :)

Kristi said...

I completely "hear ya" on this one. I have days like this. Seems like when everyone else in the family doesn't feel well or have a bad day they can go to bed, or lie on the couch and do nothing. But Moms are typically left to keep on going, no matter what and it just isn't fair. Don't feel guilty. You are human and you deserve to have a bad day sometimes and to feel like however you want to feel. I have a difficult child so I can relate there too. There is just no easy answer. So, whether you want it or not, I'm sending you a big (((HUG))) and I'm also telling you to indulge yourself one of those days on break if you can. Do something for you and let someone else handle the kiddos. You deserve it!

Amanda said...

I'm going to go against the grain here, knowing you and I don't know each other at all, but give in. Give in to the grace and hugs and tears and greif. GIVE IN. You are not strong enough, you don't have to bear this on your own and you know that. Who in the world do you think is sending those angels into your life to lift you up through this trial? He's got you Liz and he's desperately trying to hold you, stop pushing them away. Give into his love and let it take over. Right now just give it up, Lord I give it up and watch what he does with it. Ask for wisdom and guidance, don't try to find it on your own. That may not have been anywhere close to what you wanted to hear, but I hope this time passes over you quickly and your joy is restored. It's only for a while, until He will rescue us from our burdens. Hold on and cling to those who share in your desire to see His kingdom come.

Garret said...

Liz, you get a big ole cyber hug! {{HUG}}