Secrets

I'm not good at keeping secrets. Let me clarify, actually. I'm not good at keeping my own secrets. It's good to "require confidentiality" because it is much easier to maintain confidentiality than to keep something a secret. Most of the time, I end up leaking my secret to my one or two closest friends (and Jeff, of course). Or maybe a few more... But once I tell one person, I can't seem to stop. Especially with good news. Or even bad news. Sometimes. I know I sound wishy washy and uncertain. But there is good reason for this muddle. I have a secret!! Not a secret. I have to maintain confidentiality. There are great risks if I were to break that confidentiality. Not to worry... my secret will be revealed sometime in the coming weeks. It will be most interesting for those who know me personally. It will probably be pretty boring for those who know me only through written words. I will try my best to make it as interesting as possible. Shhhhh!

House Hunting

Finding the exact right home is hard. There are so many choices to make. You have to decide what is most important to you. What you won't budge on. What you can make allowances for. The type of construction, the style of home. How many rooms, how much space? It's an investment. At least in our family. It's a long term purchase. It isn't something you switch out every few years. You select your home based on the thinking that this is it for years and years to come. Location, location, location. 'Nuff said. Some things can be fixed. Don't like the paint color, for example. But it can be a factor, too. Because if you can find it exactly right, why not go for it exactly right? The stress comes when there is a time crunch. When you know you have to not only make a decision and complete the sale but you need time to do construction prior to move in. And so I turn to you, dear readers, for your wisdom, your help. We have a decision to make. I think we've decided on a builder. Now we have to choose the model we like best. Your input is needed. Your vote counts!

Savannah

(I like the porch swing and canopy bed.)

Isabella

(I like the roof and the piano room with grandfather clock.)

Interactive

(I like the working elevator and the piano.)

Teagan's Christmas depends on this!! The decision has to be right! Your help is needed!

Go Read This

I encourage you to go check out this post at Casa Hice today. I read it and loved it!

Hion Joianw. Jasub Bfnoiu.

Yeah, the title makes no sense. Because that is the state of my brain. Total mush.

Zach is teething and growing. So he is demanding and whiny and cranky and his nights are fitful and demanding.

He went to sleep around 7:30 last night. Woke up to nurse around 10. This is all pretty normal. I went to sleep around 10:30 with Zach next to me. He was fitful and thrashing and grunting and so on and nursed about 4 more times when I finally looked at the clock, expecting it to be 3:30 or 4:00.

It was 12:30.

2 hours and 30 minutes and he had nursed 5 times. And there was still a good 5 hours ahead of us.

He doesn't wake up. His eyes stay closed but he thrashes around and kicks his feet and flails his arms. If I put him in his crib, he wakes up and is seriously pissed.

So here is the run down... Sunday night he was fitful and nursed a total of 4-5 times over night. Difficult but manageable. Monday night he was fitful but didn't demand to nurse much. Given the previous night's lack of sleep, yesterday was a hard day. Last night, full on fitfulness and lots of nursing. I am exhausted.

My brain isn't firing correctly. I want nothing more than to lay on the hard floor of my office (thin, cheap carpet on a concrete slab- it sounds heavenly) and sleep under my desk. I am pumping caffeine through a constant IV drip (straw in iced coffee, soon to move on to the regular brewed stuff).

If I sit and close my eyes... it is a struggle to open them. Focusing on work tasks is a challenge and I am double and triple checking things as I go... and I am going through the steps much more slowly in an effort to be as accurate and thorough as possible.

Sometimes this working mom business really sucks. But... at least I get a break from him right now. If I were home, I could be in my jammies and put him down for a morning nap and put on a movie for T and doze on the couch. But I would also be dealing with demanding and whining and a little boy who can't be pleased. No easy answers... although one solid good night's sleep would help!

Couple tangents.

1. Something different about this stretch of sleepless nights is that I not only have to deal with my lack of sleep and his demands, but I am also resentful of the time being taken away from Teagan. She is still getting plenty of attention from Daddy... but I am so jealous of that. I want to play with her, cuddle with her, read to her, talk to her. But he is sapping all my energy and taking all my time.

2. I forget what my other one was.

3. Oh yeah. I remember now. When a nursing mom expresses that she is exhausted because her baby has been nursing all night, the best response is not to ask when she is going to be done nursing. I am committed to nursing my son for as long as he needs it. I will not sleep train him or force him to wean. Given that I am away from him all day long, 5 days a week... given that he is in daycare with all these other germy kids... given that there are ample benefits to extended breastfeeding... I will keep going for as long as he needs it. As much as I may bitch and moan about my exhaustion from his demands, I won't force unnecessary change on him for my own selfish reasons. I can make choices that will afford me some sleep- I can clear of the twin bed in his room and sleep in there; I can go to bed at 8:00; I can sneak in a nap at work if I have to. But weaning him won't solve the problem. In fact, I'd venture it would make it worse because he will still be having teething pain or whatever and I won't have the Magical Mystery Boob to whip out and comfort him. (stepping off soap box now)

Anyone else want to share some moments of sleep deprivation and exhaustion??

ZZZzzzz

It starts as a whisper barely audible calling, calling Soft, warm, cozy flannel Embrace, surround Eyes heavy, mind quiet breath breath muted sounds from outside a car, a dog the icemaker clunks my pooch snuffles My head is heavy My eyelids weighted My body relaxes, eases into sleep

NABLOPOMO (and other successes in November)

ACCOMPLISHMENT ONE

I did it! 30 posts in 30 days. Well, more than 30 really. But there is no extra credit so...

ACCOMPLISHMENT TWO

I achieved my 10K steps for 10 days!

• Tues 10,242 steps
• Weds 11,581 steps
• Thurs 11,052 steps
• Fri 10,285 steps
• Sat 10,065 steps
• Sun 10,143 steps
• Mon 12,376 steps
• Tues 12,642 steps
• Weds 10,137 steps

ACCOMPLISHMENT THREE

If boobs make you uncomfortable, don't read this. Ha! I had what I thought was the start of possible mastitis on Thursday evening. My left breast was sore in one spot, there was redness that appeared to be spreading. But no fever, no flu like symptoms. Did some research, went looking for advice from trusted online sources. Even though I didn't feel a plugged duct, general consensus seemed to be that this was more likely my issue. By Friday morning, I could feel the pea sized knot deep in the breast tissue. Taking the online advice given, I dangle nursed Thursday evening. This entails laying baby on his back on the bed (or floor) and leaning over him on all fours so that the plug will shift by his suction and also with a little help from gravity. It felt awkward, it hurt my back. But it worked! If I'd gotten mastitis, it may well have been a struggle that I wouldn't have fought through at this late stage. I just don't know. The idea of fighting mastitis, going on antibiotics, potentially getting thrush from the antibiotics... it was overwhelming just to consider~ but no issue. We got through it and are still going strong!

ACCOMPLISHMENT FOUR

As I previously shared, I made my first pecan pie. And it was DELISH and everyone LOVED it!

And while this goal didn't start in time for the entire month of November, I have stuck with my Good Deed a Day plan. I'm blogging about it here but slacked on the blog over the holidays. But I will post daily in December about good deeds I do and I will purposefully do a good deed every day of the month!

So what accomplishments did you achieve in November? Now is your chance to brag... er, I mean, share!!

Preserving Life's Moments

I have memory problems. It's a long and complicated story. And depressing, for some. But one end result is that there is a lot from my past that I don't remember. And because my brain spent so much time hiding memories from me, it became very efficient at locking them away. So there are things even now that I don't remember from college, from dating my husband, from my kids' infancies. Being pregnant and having kids made it all worse. It's a big part of why I take so many pictures. I can't go to a family function or take the kids somewhere without taking hundreds of pictures. I keep the camera close by at home so I can grab it and try to capture special moments with my kids, my husband, my pooch. I believe in living in the moment. Not looking too far forward, not reaching too far back. Part of that is because I have to. Part of that is because I want to. And sometimes, life hands me beautiful moments to capture on my camera.

These were taken on Friday morning at The Children's Museum here in Indianapolis. It is one of Teagan's favorite places to go. We are members so we can go whenever we want. I love going. I think even Jeff loves going! Friday was a special holiday event. They opened at 8 for special holiday fun- face painting, a magician, food court open for snacks. The Jolly Days Winter Wonderland (with an "ice castle" play area, an ice fishing pond and other holiday and winter themed play) exhibit was open. The entire museum opened at 10... with a giant welcome celebration in the lobby- the opening of the Yuletide Slide, Santa's arrival, and an explosion of tissue paper snow (which the kids and I loved). We finished our visit with a trip up to the carousel and time in that play area.

And we had to go and have a visit with Santa. Remember my Great Debate? Well, the time came, while in line to see Santa, to really put the decision into action. We are going to do both. I won't make up lies about Santa coming into our house and so on. But I will encourage belief in Christmas magic. I will tell her about the legend of Saint Nicholas and his spirit of giving. And we will do the Santa thing, too. While waiting, I told her about Saint Nicholas. And about how Santa Claus is how we remember Saint Nicholas and the example he set. And I encouraged her to not just ask Santa for something she wants but to also ask for something for other kids.

She asked for a dollhouse with dollies. And she asked, with no prompting, for Santa to bring some cars for her brother. So no big requests for Santa to end world hunger... but that's ok with me. Her world is her family and making a request on behalf of her brother is a big deal.

I take each of these moments and capture them with my camera. And I write about them. Because even if I forget... I can enjoy the memories as brought to life in images and words.