She Was A Mean Girl

I think I've shared enough on this blog that it's pretty clear that I am pretty passionate about raising children who are kind, compassionate- not bullies, not mean kids. Yesterday, we had a fantastic learning opportunity for Teagan. She had a bad, bad day at school. There is a new kid at school for the summer. This child also happens to be the son of a friend of mine who also happens to be the new (and popular) cook for the school. Yesterday was this boy's second day at the school. The night before, Teagan and I talked about ways that she can help him feel welcome, ways that she can be a friend. She has shown before that she can be a great helper and friend in this capacity- she's been given the "job" of helping new kids or kids who need a little help before. When I dropped her off in the morning, Lori and I talked with her again about being a helper to make this boy feel welcome, to be his friend, etc. We shared examples of things she could do to be kind and friendly. Teagan seemed very eager to be a helper, to be a friend. Apparently, she wasn't. At her first opportunity to be in a small group with this boy (her, him, one other girl)... she says (within earshot of the director of the school), "Wouldn't it be AWFUL to be new in a school and not have ANY friends?" She said this to the other girl, with her back purposefully turned to the boy. She made other similar comments and her tone was snooty, condescending. Lori called her aside and spoke to her about it- telling her that she wasn't being a friend, she wasn't helping him feel welcome. Lori was met with attitude that made it clear that this was exactly Teagan's intent. And this went on all morning. She needled him, talked down to him, basically bullied him. Then came the big explosion- they were lining up and Teagan's job was to be The Caboose (end of the line). This boy came and got in line behind her and she FLIPPED OUT. She starts screaming at him and pointing her finger in his face. Lori was right there and intervened immediately. First- major props to this boy because he really let it all slide (according to Lori). Personally, my temper would have pointed me towards retaliation. He kept his cool or was oblivious to her barbs. Second- I love our preschool because Lori and the teachers are right on my girl when they need to be. Lori let me know what was going on, partnered with me, handled it. To complicate matters- Teagan also had another big lying incident in the afternoon. Jeff was picking her up early because Grandma was in town for a visit and we wanted her to have some time with Grandma. Teagan used the early pick up and the teachers' varied lunch hours to her advantage when she told her teacher that the other teacher (who was at lunch) had said she could pick something form the Treasure Box. She was believed- and this teacher hadn't yet been filled in by Lori on how Teagan's day had gone (ironically, Lori was on the phone with me at that time, filling me in on Teagan's morning)- and she got to pick a prize from the Box. Jeff is such an awesome dad. When he found out about the Treasure box debacle (Lori told me about it about an hour after it happened), he took her back to school and had her return the Treasure to the Box and she had to apologize to her teachers. Jeff also talked with her about being mean to the new boy. The first good sign- instead of denying that anything happened (her typical MO), she immediately started crying and apologizing. They had a nice talk about being kind- especially when there are opportunities to help someone. But here's the thing... this situation was SO unlike her... but also... SO fitting of her potential... her attitude... sigh... I felt like I really had to do something to really reinforce at home that her behavior, her meanness, wasn't acceptable. After talking to Christy about all of it to get some insight and talk it all through, I decided that there were many opportunities for natural consequences and one potential for a mom & dad enforced consequence. She had to go to bed without her 2 little stuffed animals that she has recently become attached to. As I explained to her, there was someone at school today who wanted to have a friend and instead was treated meanly. Now she's going to be wanting her stuffed animal friends at a time when she really wants a friend- and she won't have them. It was a hard day. Oh- when I first came home, I went to her room where she was getting dressed so we could take Grandma out to dinner, I knelt down in front of her, I looked her in the eye and said, "I know you had a rough, terrible day today and I want you to know that I love you. I am disappointed in your choices today and we will talk about it later, but I want you to know that I love you no matter what and I'm sorry you had a bad day." And I held her. And it was good. There have been tears and hurt feelings and shock and disappointment and attempts at turning things around. I feel like Jeff and Lori and I handled things well and that this was a learning opportunity and that Teagan has learned a lesson. She might not have learned about kindness but she definitely learned that this team is watching out for her and will be on her when she screws up. I also think I demonstrated that, even when in trouble, Mommy and Daddy are a soft place to fall and I hope the message came through that we love her no matter what. Ironically, I was just having a conversation with a mom earlier this week who has a daughter who is about middle school age and has become the victim of mean girls. A "leader of the pack" found a way to exclude this girl and, seemingly, the mom was part of it, too (even though the mom had been very involved in this girl's life for many years). So the subject of mean girls and kindness was already in my heart, on my mind. It scares me to see my daughter displaying behaviors that could turn her into a Mean Girl. I have a feeling the next couple of years are going to be very defining for my little girl. How about you? How do you handle it when your child is the mean kid? How about when your child is the one who is excluded or bullied?

Feel Good Friday: Denim

Swing by The Girl Next Door's place... and be sure to oooo and aaaaah over her fantastic new look! And feel free to go visit some other Feel Gooders, too! *** I've mentioned that my friend, Ashli, gave me some clothes that were sized smaller than what I had in my closet. At my top weight of 240, I was almost into an 18. I'm 5'8"-ish and my body distributes weight very evenly so I know that my higher poundage doesn't compute to sizes the way it would for others. Ashli has been on her own fitness journey- she's tall and pretty and athletic. She's been shrinking out of her clothes and has been kind enough to pass them along to me- dresses and skirts and pants. Last fall/winter, I wore a pair of jeans to work. The only pair I actually wore- size 18 mom jeans. And I hated jeans. But they had started letting us wear jeans on Fridays at work and I wanted to play along. One Friday, my jeans tore at the zipper and my fuschia underwear really stood out against the denim. So off I rushed to find a replacement pair. It was de-press-ing. Everything was stretch denim. Everything was low rise. I was so frustrated. I couldn't find any pair of jeans (for a reasonable price) that I could put on without looking like denim cased sausage! I was so desperate, I even tried on men's jeans. I finally found a pair of the same style of Lees that I had been wearing. Unless you are willing to shell out big bucks, jeans just aren't designed to be worn on larger bodies. Sad. I couldn't change the fashion industry so now that I've been changing my body... JEANS! Ashli passed on several pairs of jeans- size 14. A couple of pairs fit right away and were comfortable and stylish and I loved them. There was one pair... they looked so cute... but when I pulled them on, I couldn't quite get the button together... they were tight in the thighs and butt. No biggie- I knew my body just hadn't gotten there yet. They have become my favorite jeans. They are my "go to" jeans. They are the jeans I look for when I'm getting dressed. Ashli said she was actually sad to part with them because she loved them so much and I fully understand why. These are the jeans that you grab and toss in the washer right when you do a load- you can't bear for them to sit in a hamper of dirty clothes. These are the jeans that you plan outfits around. I wear them when I go out with friends. I wear them when I run errands. I wear them on weekends and to work on Fridays. I can walk in them, sit in them, dance in them- and squat down to play with my kids in them. And I won't be wearing them much longer.

Some Random Thoughts on TV This Week

There was a lot on TV this week that left me... wanting something more, something different. LOST - I was disappointed in the finale. If it had been a plain old episode, I would have enjoyed it. Had it been the season finale, I would have loved it. But as the end all, be all SERIES FINALE... Boo! I loved that character story lines. I cried with the reunions and flooding of memories and I totally "got it." But I'm feeling dissed. The writers and creators kept making promises- the past 6 seasons- that they had the storyline planned out and that all questions would be answered. I've also heard that the focus is on the characters and that those are the storylines that weer supposed to be tied up so that's why the finale went the way it did. Here's my 2 big issues: 1. If the finale was supposed to be about the characters, about the human drama, why didn't we learn more about how they ended up where they did? Why didn't we get some info about how some got off the island and how some died and where they died and what kind of lives they led before dying and ending up in this place where they regained those memories and waited for Jack? It was great to see loves reunited but there is more to a person's story than their spouse or soulmate- did anyone go on to have kids or cure cancer or write great plays or... ??? 2. They kinda sorta left out some important people. I wasn't happy about Michael and Walt not even being mentioned in the finale. I understand that Eko didn't cooperate so he wasn't included. But Michael and Walt were a huge part of the show for a lot of fans! But the main character of the entire show was completely ignored. THE ISLAND. The finale should have clued us in as to the history of the island, what it really was, how it came to be, what role it played in the world. What the heck is a smoke monster? What's the giant magnetic pull? Is that really a hole directly to hell? The point has been clearly made that the island was REAL and that everything that happened on the island REALLY HAPPENED. Then why was there no solid explanation for this very sci-fi island?? If the characteristics of the island weren't to be explained, why make it such a mystical and mystifying place? Why not just have them crash on some island in the Bermuda Triangle and make the show about basic survival? There was no place for the mystery of the island in that finale and that really left me disappointed. AMERICAN IDOL - The less talented person won. I was disappointed that my favorite contestant (I'd been rooting on Team Bowersox since her audition) didn't win. But... and I've said this with other seasons... I think it will be better for her career to NOT win American Idol. She will do the tour and fulfill that contractual obligation but then she will have more control over who she signs with and what she produces and I think that will be awesome. In fact, I have to wonder if Simon, Kara, or Randy snatched her up as soon as the credits rolled? GLEE - Glee was the saving grace of the week. It was the highlight of TV and so much more. The Lady Gaga stuff was awesome but... there was this speech... and I cried and I rejoiced and I was on the edge of my couch... I watched it and thought of all the people and kids I've known who are gay and who had parents that would have been on the "faggy" end of that conversation instead of on the "not in my house" end. I wish that any child who is coming to terms with their sexuality could have a parent like Burt- he doesn't understand Kurt being gay. He's honest about that. He's had a lot of dreams that he's had to let go of for his son (he talked about that in another episode). But he loves his son and he is working to understand, defend, be there. Burt is becoming one of my hands down favorite TV characters... How about you? Any great TV moments for you this week? Any thoughts on the big finales?

Why Do People Hurt People?

Just a quick thought to toss out there... Why do people choose to purposefully hurt other people? I don't mean all the underlying reasons about their childhood or their self esteem or whatever. I mean... when someone makes a choice and they know that someone is going to get hurt in the process... why don't they work to make it easier, better? Even worse- why do they teach their kids do be mean? Sometimes I am really just baffled by the choices people make and the way they justify it to themselves.

Coming Soon, To A Church Near You!

A couple of months ago, my pastor sent me an e-mail and made a request that knocked my socks off. I read it and then sat and stared at the e-mail for an hour with my jaw on the ground. He was asking me to give a sermon at church. From time to time, pastors need a vacation. Whether it be to attend a seminar or go on vacation… time away from the church is a good thing. I certainly need time away from my job and my job isn’t anywhere near as demanding as his! I’ve been part of my church for about 6 years. In that time, when Pastor Rusty is away, we have a substitute pastor. Someone from another church or someone who travels from church to church to fill in as needed. Always Pastor So-and-so. Growing up, I have memories of my very serious and staid congregation and church service each week… and when our pastor was away, there were no subs. One of the church Elders would very somberly bring a tape recorder to the pulpit and press play and then adjust the microphone so that a previously recorded sermon from our pastor could be heard. Over the past few months, there have been a couple of people in our congregation that have given the sermon. And I honestly thought nothing of it. Wilbur is our Lay Leader so it made sense to me that he would stand in front of the church and speak. Jeremy first did a sermon with Pastor Rusty and has since given sermons to fill in for Rusty- so that made sense, too. But… me? Give a sermon? Deliver the weekly message to the congregation? Me? Really? While I was able to accept it as common practice for those who had grown up in the United Methodist faith… I hadn’t, so this was really weird for me. While I was able to embrace members of my church family getting up and doing exactly what I was being asked to do… something about it wasn’t… instantly right for me. I hesitated. I prayed and thought and wondered and turned to friends whose faith and spirituality I really admire. And then I said a scary, scary thing. Yes. I am not a theologian. I don’t have a bunch of memorized Bible verses tucked away that I can spout off for any occasion. I don’t know the history of Jesus’ time or the culture of that era. I haven’t done studies on the geography of Bethlehem. I haven’t translated any Bible text or sought out the lost chapters of the Bible. I’m just a woman who really loves God. Was that going to be enough? Yes. I thought about what my sermon topic should be for a couple of weeks. I had some ideas but they either didn’t really come together or Pastor Rusty would burst my bubble by preaching on that very topic that Sunday. Seriously- I had a great idea on how the church is similar to a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) and then Pastor Rusty gave a sermon that was all about farming and such and I just… well. Anyway. That wasn’t the message for me to give, apparently. I prayed and thought. And finally figured something out. I’m not a preacher. I write. I blog. I share my thoughts and experiences through words and photographs. So I needed to stick with what I knew and just sit down and write. So I did. I wrote my sermon from the heart and sent it off to Pastor Rusty to review and provide insight. I met with him… nervous that he would tell me that he had made a huge mistake and that he was just going to go back and ask Wilbur or Jeremy to fill in after all. Instead, he said something far more frightening… that he loved it. That it was real and honest and very good. He had some pointers to kind of fill in some gaps. And I’ve gone back and filled in a few more that I found. But my sermon is written. I’m prepared for the Children’s Sermon that day, too. I’ll also be leading the Offertory and Prayer and giving the closing Benediction. All were options that I didn’t have to do- but I feel like one of Pastor Rusty’s greatest gifts is how he ties the message together in all aspects of worship. This Sunday, I’m going to preach. I’m going to share some of my story and share a message. I’m nervous. I’m confident. I’m eager. I’m scared. I’m not sure I’m entirely ready and I don’t think I can be entirely ready until it’s all over. Just one request… pray for me, ok?

My 5K

Monday is running day. I typically run 3 days a week- Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. On weekday runs, Christy and I head to the gym at lunch time, change clothes, and drive to a neighborhood close by to run. We then head back to the gym, shower, and go back to work. On Saturdays, I run in my neighborhood, usually first thing in the morning. This week, humidity has hit the Indianapolis area. The temps have been approaching 90 and the humidity has been thick. Saturday, I went out and got in a great run with more distance than I had anticipated. Sunday, the heat wave hit. Monday, I knew there was no way I was going to get in an outdoor run in the middle of the day. It was too humid to try and run and sweat and breath and pace. So I opted to just go back to running on the treadmill. It’s funny… when I started the Couch to 5K program, I was not a runner at all. Running those 60 second intervals was a huge accomplishment for me. I ran for my first 3 weeks on the treadmill. My first attempt at running outside was a flop. I got in a good workout but the intervals that I had been kicking butt on at the gym were now giving me a good beating. Running outdoors sucked. Big time. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t pace myself, I felt like I really had no clue what I was doing. Slowly but surely, as I have increased those running intervals, I have been running outdoors more and more and more. I am now to a point that running on a treadmill… sucks. When I run outside, I automatically control my pace based on what my body feels it can do- slow down when things get tough, speed up when feeling strong or just to get to the next driveway. Changing scenery helps, too. But mostly, it’s the pace that I love about being outside. Also, wherever I run to, I have to get back to my starting point. On a treadmill, I can slow down to a walk or just hit stop way too easily. So, yesterday, Monday run, high humidity, strong sun. Not going to even try to run outdoors in it. I get on the treadmill and do my 5 minute walk to warm up. I kick up the speed on the treadmill and start my jog. I’m about 10 minutes in when I realize that… the slow down button is calling me… the stop button is beckoning. Ack! I push for a bit longer and then cave. I slow down to a brisk walk and decide to recover for 3 minutes before starting back to that jog pace. I get 30 minutes into the workout and am somewhere around 2 miles. I don’t remember exactly. I’ve been running a lot and walking a little. And I decide to push and see if I can get to 5K (3.1 miles) with a lot more running and a little more walking. And I did. 48 minutes. 5K. That time and distance included that 5 minute warm up walk and does not include a cool down walk at the end. I did 5K in 48 minutes. I now have a baseline. My first official race is June 26. It’s a Saturday morning, it’s in my neighborhood where I already run at a time when I already run. I now have less than 5 weeks, just over 1 month, to push myself to better that time. My goal all along has been to be capable of running (jogging) 5K. Now, my goal, my challenge, is to run it at a pace that will beat that 48 minute time.

Monday Fragments

There is a lot going on these days! Instead of a single topic, I just need to get myself a little organized by writing out stuff I've got going on these days. 1. Thursday, Teagan broke out with a raging ear infection. Our doctor was out of the office Thursday and Friday. Thursday evening, Teagan was in tears over the pain so I opted to take her to an urgent care office. In the course of 2 hours, we saw the doctor, went to Target, and got a 10 day supply of pink medicine (amoxicillin). She was doing much better by Friday- thanks to getting that dose in right away. 2. I stayed home on Friday and spent my time rearranging the kids' rooms. They now each have a lot more playspace and special things in their rooms to make them "theirs." Teagan has a reading area and an art spot. Zach has the basketball hoop in his room now. The kids have spent a lot of time playing in each other's rooms! 3. This past Saturday, I went a little further in my running journey. I went out very early in the morning and did a little extra warm up walking due to some soreness in my back. I started my run and just kept going until I knew I had to quit. I ran 2.3 miles! I'm very excited because I am fully confident that I will be running 3 miles any day now and can then focus on improving my pace before my first official 5K at the end of June! 4. Saturday was also Teagan's graduation from pre-K. Personally, the idea of pre-K graduation is a little silly. But I loved seeing all the kids together, all the teachers and aides together. I loved the little song and poem they did. I loved their little caps and pretty dresses. I loved the nice things that the school's owner/director had to say and the nice things the teachers had to say. Little Explorers is a special place and I'm so glad we found it. 5. I've got a lot of final touches for a very special project this week. I'm going to give it a special blog post later in the week... but... I am going to be giving the sermon at my church this Sunday. 6. It was very warm here yesterday- we got the swimsuits out, plugged in the sprinkler and had some water fun! Zach isn't a huge fan of the water but did enjoy filling buckets and watering the garden. Teagan, on the other hand, took great delight in running through the sprinkler, around the sprinkler. 7. Zach loves chocolate. And he sure looks adorable after enjoying a chocolate cupcake from The Blue Spatula!