An Invitation to My Pity Party

Bullying behaviors are happening again.  It's just come to light so chances are good it's been happening for a while now.

I literally just told Jeff the other night... Have you noticed that Teagan's behavior has gotten better?  Less meltdowns, less attitude?

And I'm now sitting in a pool of self pity.

Because this isn't what motherhood was supposed to be.

Because this isn't the child I imagined I'd ever have.

I know what to do about it.  She just needs that consistent, firm response to get back on track.

But I am tired of having to be firm and strict all the time.  I want to just be nice and fun and laid back.

I'm tired of having to make up routines and rules and systems.

I'm tired of having to come up with consequences.

I'm tired of feeling jealous of my perceptions of other families.

I'm taking the morning to mull it over and feel sorry for myself.  And then I'll recognize that other families certainly have struggles, too.  That lots of moms face a definition of motherhood that includes things that no one ever asks for or dreams of.

My child is smart and funny.  She's pretty.  People are attracted to her, want to be accepted by her.  She's a spark!

But right now, it's hard to see those good things in her when I'm just tired of being beat down by all the meltdowns and the bad attitude and the bullying.

I want our family to be warm and loving and joyful.  I want us to talk and laugh and play games and take walks together.  I want to be able to shrug my shoulders and say , "sure, why not?"

Instead... it's rules and consequences and expectations and routines.

And one tired, worn, disappointed, frustrated, sad Mommy.

Let Your Kingdom Come

Do you pray The Lord's Prayer?  Do you just say the words because everyone else is saying them?  Or do you stop and really think about the words you are saying?

There is part of this prayer that has been sticking with me a lot lately.

We find this prayer in Scripture- words given by Jesus.  Matthew 6:9-13

9 “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us today our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation,[a]
    but deliver us from the evil one.[b]’

Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Another translation says - "So above, so below."

I think we're way too passive about this part of this prayer.

We praise (hallowed be your name).
We ask for our needs to be met (daily bread).
We ask for forgiveness and ask that we be able to forgive others.
We ask that we be led away from temptation and kept safe from satan.

But in that first part... "On earth as it is in heaven."  Your kingdom, Your will.  It's happening in heaven, we pray that it happens here.

And if all we do is say the words... the prayer will never come to life.

Lately, when I say this pray, I have been trying to change my focus as I pray those words.  I think I've always thought of them as a kind of beseeching - please bring your kingdom to us on earth.  I've prayed it that way - this earth is terrible and bad things happen everywhere, everyday so please bring heaven to us.

Instead, I've been praying - please help me do Your will on earth.  Please use me to bring Your kingdom to earth.  Not asking for a gift of bringing heaven to earth but asking to be chosen to do the work of representing heaven here on earth.

Which then leads me to think about what heaven might actually be like.  No sickness, no pain, no hate.  I imagine a lot of singing - music like nothing we've ever heard on earth.  I imagine lots of light and bright and freedom.  I imagine this overwhelming, overflowing love that not only fills each of us but is also just present throughout heaven, in all things, in all creatures, in all spaces.  Love that can't be defined or described - the love that simply is God.

So when I pray - "Your kingdom come," I'm really asking God to help me bring that love here, now.  Help me to love everyone - especially those that are harder to love.  Especially those that desperately need to know that overwhelming joy and excitement that comes from knowing and being filled by God's love.



I visited my friend's church in Ohio this past weekend.  And he preached about God's love.  About being so filled with joy and love that we can't help but dance and praise.  About letting that joy overflow from within so that others want to experience this fullness, this love, this joy, this grace.  About sharing Jesus with celebration in our testimonies but also in how we live each day so people witness God's love at work in our lives.  That we love and sacrifice for God because of the sacrifice He made for us.  And that when we finally accept that love from God, when we finally, really, truly "get it," that's when we find a new sense of rhythm.  And that's when we can dance.

He asked the question - How do we lead others to experience the fullness of God's love?

Let Your Kingdome Come.
On Earth As it Is In Heaven.
Build Your Kingdom Here.

Use my hands and feet, use my life, let me be your funnel, let me be the light, let me overflow with the love so that others will want to come to You, to know You, to be filled with You.

If we all take part in this radical, uncomfortable, over the top, crazy way of loving each other - earth and heaven truly become more as one.  His will, His kingdom - on earth.

So let it come.  Let it come through me and through you and through our churches and our homes and our families.  Let Your kingdom come and become in us.

20 Years: Lessons Learned

My 20 year high school reunion was this past weekend.  There were a few events at the school and then an "after party" at a local bar.

Most of these classmates are people that I haven't spoken with in 20 years.

You might recall that I did have some anxiety about my reunion - fears that I was remembered as the "crazy one" in our class.

Something really interesting happened.

No one remembered.  Or if they did, it wasn't brought up.  The subject of my particular experience with our senior year came up twice.  And both times the repsonse was - "Oh my gosh! That's right! You weren't there, were you?"

I guess I could have been offended.

But a conversation I had with another alumni before the events really kicked off (he had graduated 10 years before me) helped me to see this important lesson.

As teens, even though we gossip and say things about each other, even though we may have had disagreements in the hallway or not invited people to our parties...

We were all in the midst of our own angst, we each had our own trauma, we were each dealing with life.

And we didn't necessarily share that with everyone else.  And if we did share - some of us were so locked up in our own angst that we didn't even hear other people.

I know of a small handful of classmates who didn't come to the reunion specifically because of their feelings about high school.  I have to admit that I considered not going because of my own fears.  But like most things in life, when I face it head on, those fears usually prove to be stuff that is just made up in my head.  Because fear and anxiety and worry have a way of creating an alternate universe in our minds, don't they?

The other thing that I found fascinating was that there were classmates there that I didn't particuarly hang out with when we were in school... but I think if I lived near them now, we could be friends.  And that kinda blows my mind, too.

I went to a school were most of the families were wealthy.  Not all.  Many of us were there under different circumstances.Some who were there on scholarship, some there at the sacrifice and scraping of their parents, and some for whom the tuition was barely a blip in the check book.

I often felt like I didn't belong with the people I saw as wealthy.  It's been this issue I've always had.  I'm not comfortable in situations where things are very posh and lots of money is at play.  I grew up a poor kid in Kentucky- that is the only thing I can lean on to understand.

And now here I was... feeling totally comfortable with every single person in that room.  It was great to swap a few old stories and memories but we all mostly spent time catching up and talking about our families and our work and where we live.

Are people acting differently than they did then?  Probably.  Has my perspective on people changed? Absolutely.  I was a judgement filled teen - judging others and myself very harshly.  It was a defense tactic, I suppose.  To keep people at arm's length, not let them get too close.

And in the last 20 years, I've been a constant improvement project.  Now a group of people aren't a group for me to judge.  Now I see children of God, beloved creations.  I see people who are just like me.

So the most basic things I can tell you in the immediate aftermath of my 20 year high school reunion...

1. Everyone was caught up in their own drama and may not even remember yours.
2. We all change and grow. So give people a chance to show you who they are.

Curing Hiccups

There are lots of cures out there that are supposed to alleviate the ridiculous burden of having hiccups.

Swallow a spoonful of sugar or honey.

Stand on your head and drink water.

Control your breathing- swallow air or breath in a figure 8.

One friend insists that telling someone to "Hiccup right NOW!" is a cure.

None of those have ever worked for me.

Then there is that whole "have someone scare you" thing.

Many have tried but it's never worked.

Apparently the scare just wasn't big enough.

Sunday morning, I was getting dressed and a huge case of hiccups hit.  Jeff was being lazy in bed, not wanting to really start the day yet.  My hiccups were interrupting the flow of conversation and creating quite the bit of entertainment as I got myself ready for the day.

I sat on the bed.

Suddenly, Jeff sat up, grabbed me, and yelled.

I almost wet the bed.

But my hiccups were, in fact, gone.

But I think next time... I'd prefer to just deal with the hiccups.

LALALALALALALA *fingers in ears*

I don't care how awesome it was, how perfect it was, how dumb it was, how anything it was.

I am avoiding social media as much as possible until late tonight.

Jeff worked hard the past couple of week to get caught up on Breaking Bad.

And people are sometimes ding-dongs and don't remember that not everyone gets to watch it when it airs live.  And those ding-dongs sometimes straight up post spoilers.

I've stayed away from it all so far.

Tonight, we sit down to watch the final 2 episodes.

So no one tell me anything until tomorrow!!!!

5 Years

That was my first post 5 years ago.

Never thought my writing would impact other people.  Over these 5 years, I sometimes get a note here and there from someone letting me know that a post I wrote has impacted them in a big way.  Those are the moments I most treasure.  A mom who wants support and advice and prayers for her son as he faces his abuser in court.  A friend who learned how to forgive because of words I shared.  Women who just feel a connection and appreciate that someone else "out there" understands.

My blog is my hobby.  I like to write.  And connect.  I like to take pictures.  It's been 5 years.

Sometimes I wonder if it is time to retire.

Sometimes I wonder if I overshare.

Sometimes I worry that I don't give my little blog enough time and attention.

And sometimes I'm just surprised that anyone reads what I've written in the first place.

Happy Blog-iversary!

Fall TV 2013

It is big time premiere week!!  So many new shows starting up and so many shows returning - it's hard to keep it all straight!  It helps me to make a list and figure out what is "most important" to watch.

Evening TV is our downtime.  Jeff and I sit in the living room, on our computers or sitting together, unwinding from the work day and the evening of school work, meetings, activities, and so on.

The shows we are watching this season:

Sunday
Once Upon A Time
Walking Dead

Monday
Sleepy Hollow (Have recorded the 1st 2 episodes - will watch and decide if we continue)
How I Met Your Mother (final season!!!)
Mom (watched the first episode... not sure if it will make the list to keep watching)

Tuesday
Dads (enjoyed the first episode)
New Girl
Marvel Agents of SHIELD

Wednesday
Survivor
The Middle
Modern Family
Nashville
American Horror Story
The Tomorrow People
Revolution

Thursday
Big Bang Theory
Crazy Ones
Sean Saves the World
Glee
Michael J. Fox Show
Parenthood
The Originals

Friday
The Neighbors

Then there are the shows I need to get caught up on or finish up (usually online or I buy the season on DVD):

Season 3 of Downton Abbey
Final season of Dexter
Season 3 of Game of Thrones
Orange is the New Black
And the series finale of Breaking Bad is this weekend!!

Whew!!

So what are you watching this fall?