Day 15: Love is honorable

Daily Reading

Honor can be defined as "holding in high respect."

According to the text, honor also means speaking politely, paying full attention, doing what is asked of you.

But love being honorable has a deeper meaning.

Love should be holy. If your partner is holy to you, they are sacred, honored, praised, defended.

And even when our partner doesn't treat us with honor, Love still honors.

"Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return."

"...when your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to give honor just the same."

I get what the book is saying. And in a normal, healthy relationship, this applies nicely. But I keep thinking of some poor abused spouse using this bit of text as a reason to remain with their abusive partner.

I'll keep it in my scope, in the scope of my own marriage, though.

Today's Dare

"Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."

Reflections

"How did you choose to show honor? What was the result? What are some ways you could demonstrate honor in the coming days?"

I have to admit to being behind on updating. I do not remember specifically what I did to show my husband that I honor him.

In response to the comment Momza left, I would just add that a central theme in this book, as well as a theme I frequently hear from my preacher's pulpit, is that LOVE is also an action and a choice. Today in church, my pastor spoke about forgiveness being a decision, too. Powerful stuff.

Valentine's Day. He Wins!

We don't do Valentine's Day. I went way overboard on our first Valentine's Day... and then we talked about it and neither one of us is really all that into the whole holiday.

Teagan has been getting excited about it, though. She wakes up every day, asking if today is Valentine's Day.

Our plan for the holiday is to spend time together as a family- maybe a trip to the Children's Museum and then dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

But that's it. Maybe a card, maybe balloons for the kids. But that's it.

But today, Mr. Jeff broke all of his own Valentine's rules.

You know I'm doing that Love Dare. One of the important lessons is that love isn't about you. It's about what you demonstrate to the person you love.

Jeff has long sworn that he doesn't give flowers. He doesn't want to spend the money on something that will just die and go in the trash. I understand that. But I also love to get flowers. Especially at work. I get kinda jealous when someone gets flowers and the excitement over it... the public display, the public pronouncement that I am loved.

But the point is, when you love someone and want to show them a gesture that shows that you love them, that you cherish them, that you honor them... you do something that is meaningful to them.

And he did.

Therapy Thursday

Therapy Thursday's Topic: Doing It Better Maya Angelou said "You did the best you could and when you knew better, you did better." What is something in your life that this statement applies to? Do you strive to know better and do better? I am not perfect. I have lots of room for improvement. (Jeff- stop nodding your head!) I am a constantly evolving work in progress. I feel like I can always be learning. I believe it is my choice and in my power to improve or remain stagnant. While this quote applies to many, many areas of my life, I've found it most applicable to parenting. I believe that parenting is the one job in my life that will be the absolute most important thing I ever do. And it is the one job that you go into completely unprepared. There isn't enough training in the world. And there isn't a program you can go through, a degree you can work towards, or a license you can obtain. If I didn't want to do better, I could just feel my way through and hope for the best. But it means too much to do that. So I read. And explore. And learn. I read things I don't agree with. I read things that I do agree with. And I seek out opinions and experiences from as many sources as possible. With my pregnancies, I read everything I could get my hands on so that I would understand as much as I could about pregnancy and development and so on. Teagan was born and the books piled up. Some were serious, tried and true reference points that got me through some serious hard times. Some I read and maybe tucked away ideas to fall back on when my "meets with my instinct" books didn't work. Some I read and my gut told me that what was written was flat out wrong- especially for my baby. I went back to my "good" books once Zach came along. And I continue to read and expand my mind and gain ideas and options as my kids get older and go through new phases. I don't parent by any book. But I make damn sure I am as self-educated as possible so that I have a full reference library to turn to when needed. Because I want to know better. Because I want to do better. Because I want to be better. Because my kids are worth it. *** My marriage is good. Heck, my marriage is great. Again- not perfect. Nothing is and I don't strive for or expect perfection from anyone or anything. I do the best I can with what I know about being married, with what I know about Jeff. But I want to be better. Because he deserves the best. So I work to strengthen things. I work to stay focused on his needs and wants. I work to do my part to keep us... us. I'm not constantly "talking about our relationship." I'm not running around reading self help books and trying to fix problems that don't exist. But I do have that drive to read, to learn, to absorb, and apply as necessary. Hence the reason why I decided to try The Love Dare. Not because my marriage is in trouble. But because marriage always takes work and can always be strengthened and improved. Because I know better and want to do better. Because my husband is worth it. *** I'd like to start feeling this way about my job and career again. I think. Gonna save that topic for another day, though. *** I think this way of thinking is also what helped me gain strength and confidence when I went through all of the hard work it took to heal from the sexual abuse I survived. I've had people ask me how I lived through it, how I'm so strong. I usually don't know the answer. I know my relationship with God has a lot to do with it. But I know a lot of what God did was to help me find what I needed within myself. Prior to getting help, prior to my secrets coming out, I was displaying a lot of "cry for help" behavior. Things that could have been really dangerous. I was in a place that I didn't know better. I was functioning in survival mode because my insides were crumbling, broken, deteriorating. I was doing the best I could- basically to stay alive. And in therapy, and in prayer... I found out how to do better. How to make better choices. How to recognize my own control, manage my own responsibility. I did the best I could while my body was in survival mode. While I learned how to live once I was away from the crisis and chaos of abuse. And when I knew better, when I was taught better, when I learned better... I did better. So, for me, I don't see it as being about strength. I see it being about knowledge and power and choice. Or maybe it's that strength is like love- a choice. I chose to be strong and face it head on and not let what happened to me force me into victimhood. *** That went deeper than I had anticipated! So share your own thoughts! Click the link at the top of the page and share your story. Or link back to the Therapy Thursday blog with an entry on your blog. And feel free to leave comments here with any thoughts you have about what I've shared.

Day 14: Love takes delight

Again, recognize that there will be conflict. There will be aggravation. Your partner will get on your nerves.

You either let those things go or you fester in them.

You either choose to follow your heart or you choose to lead it.

Learn to delight in your spouse. To rediscover the things you fell in love with.

If you've never read the Song of Solomon, do so. Who knew the Bible could be so steamy?

"The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever."

Based on today's dare, this will also relate back to Jeff's expression a few Dares ago to have me put him ahead of the kids more often.

Today's Dare

"Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."

Reflections

"What did you decide to give up? What did you do together? How did it go? What new thing did you learn (or relearn) about your spouse?"

We both chose to dedicate an hour after the kids' bedtime to each other. Details... aren't to be shared... sorry!

Love and Trust

Teagan likes to play both sides against each other. If she doesn't want to get her coat on in the morning or doesn't want to go out to the car, she doesn't refuse to do it but, instead, starts insisting that the other parent take care of helping her. And this gets old and grating and we sometimes snap at her and sometimes give in (because it's easier). And sometimes we talk about how this hurts Mommy's feelings or whatever.

***

It's bedtime. And we are talking about a variety of things. And I start telling her that no matter what, I will always love her. No matter what she says to me, no matter what she does, I still love her. Even when I'm angry, I still love her.

(Insert a sly and thoughtful look on Teagan's face as she contemplates this statement.)

"I.. want... Daddy."

"I still love you!"

It's about 5 minutes later. Teagan has been alone in her room for about 3 minutes when we hear...

"Daddy? I have to go potty... REALLY baaaad."

*sigh*

So I go back to her room. And I sit on her bed. And I know she's faking. So I make a bargain that I think will "break" her. (That's never a good idea, by the way.)

She tries and tries to convince me of how badly she has to poop. So I say...

"OK. I'll let you go potty. But I'm going with you. And if you don't poop... I'm going to pop your butt!"

I don't say it angrily or meanly. So maybe she didn't take me seriously.

We have the conversation 4 more times.

She goes into the bathroom and climbs onto the potty.

And sits. And sits. And sits.

"Mommy. I think my poop has gone to sleep."

Riiiiight.

We head back to bed. On the short trip down the hall, I give the standard speech she's heard before. "Teagan, you told a lie about needing to go potty. We don't lie in this family because it is important that we be able to trust each other. Mommy doesn't lie- you know what Mommy has to do."

She hops into bed, choosing to be completely oblivious to what has to come next.

And I, the non-spanker, reached over and gave her a tap on the butt. Seriously. You'd have to swat harder at a fly to make it fly away. I had no intention of hurting her or overpowering her or even punishing her. I was really just sticking with what I'd said.

She falls apart. Sobbing and wailing and such. When she calms down... I tell her...

"And I still love you."

She sniffles and looks at me with those big blue eyes and says...

"I Trust you, Mommy!!"

Relaxed? Spoiled? Oh, yes!

This is the life, don't you think?

Day 13: Love fights fair

Every couple has conflict. For a variety of reasons. Not every couple makes it through those conflicts.

"... this is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together."

When fighting, we aim to hurt the other person. We fear being hurt. We become prideful and selfish and, sometimes, downright mean.

"But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you're fighting about."

The text goes on to discuss the importance of having rules for fighting. Specifically, "we" rules and "me" rules. Boundaries. The text says boundaries.

"We" boundaries are agreed upon between both partners. "Me" boundaries are what you promise to practice on your own.

An example of a "we" boundary might be that "we will never mention divorce" or "we will not fight in front of our kids."

An example of a "me" boundary might be that "I will keep my voice gentle and quiet" or "I won't use underhanded attacks."

"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge, not burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."

I really like that bolded part... Disagreeing with dignity. That could become a calming, centering mantra, I think.

Today's Dare

"Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs."

Reflections

"If your spouse participated with you, what was their response? What rules did you write for yourself?"

Because of the circumstances of the day and evening, Jeff and I did not have a chance to sit and talk about this. We were both at work all day. Then a rush home and out the door for dinner at church. Then rush home and do bedtime. Then Jeff tackled our taxes (just one of the many things that he does that I am so very thankful for). So that tied up the rest of the evening.

But I did think of rules for myself. And maybe, if Jeff, my invisible co-author, ever pops in to add his own thoughts, maybe he'll share his own rules.

For me... I will respond with a focus on "disagreeing with dignity." Not blowing off what he is saying. Taking the time to listen and hear him. Be aware of my body language so that he knows I am taking him seriously and that I value his opinions. Ask questions so that I fully understand his position instead of assuming what I think he is saying.