Daily Reading
"You must choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations."
"Love puts the focus on personal responsibility and improving yourself rather than on demanding more from others."
How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. Matthew 7:4-5
In stead of nitpicking and trying to change your partner, instead of focusing on what is wrong with them, Love encourages the other. Choose to find ways to lift up your spouse instead of tearing them down. Be a positive and supporting partner as your spouse seeks to find their true self, their best self. And by doing it together, through positive encouragement, you both become your best selves, your best couple.
Today's Dare
"Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you that you are expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love."
Reflections
"When you place high expectations on your spouse that they don't feel internally motivated to attain, what does that tell you about yourself? What are some better ways to deal with these disconnects?"
This one hits home for me and is something I struggle with. On one specific issue. And it's a hard one for me to let go because I feel like I already put a great amount of effort into letting it go and giving him his own time and timeline to figure it out.
Jeff's a packrat and a slob when it come to space. Our bedroom is a disaster area. Our dining room is taken over by stuff. Our garage is almost completely unusable. Our basement... which could be a nice family room... is a massive pile of stuff and garbage. It's unsafe.
Jeff knows it needs to be cleaned up. He knows that this way of living is not ok- especially now that we have kids. But he doesn't change.
Are my expectations too high? From the outside, most would say no.
But I know that there are deep issues for him when it come to his stuff. Deep. And he was like this- and worse- when we met. So I knew what I was getting into.
So this, to me, is exactly the kind of thing that I need to let go and let God, so to speak. And hope that someday, Jeff gets the message and chooses to show his own love by cleaning up our home so that we have more family space and less off-limits space.
So today, I'm going to release it. Take the mess off my shoulders. It's an ongoing thing for me but I need to let it go.
Showing posts with label Love Dare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Dare. Show all posts
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Day 26: Love is responsible
Daily Reading
Personal Responsibility.
"We are so quick to justify our motives. So quick to deflect criticism. So quick to find fault- especially with our spouse, who is always the easiest one to blame."
"As far as we're concerned, we're doing the best we can. And our spouse just ought to be glad we're as good to them as we are."
The thing that strikes me about that last sentence is how selfish it sounds- and we've already done the "love is not selfish" dare!
The book suggests listening when arguing. Instead of proving yourself right, listen to what your partner is saying.
We should be making deliberate efforts to care for the person we've chosen to love. Not seeking out ways for ourselves to be cared for.
"Pride is very resistant to responsibility, but humility and honesty before God and your spouse is crucial for a healthy relationship."
If you have wronged your spouse, you have to seek forgiveness. You can't force them to forgive you but you can choose to recognize your error and ask for healing.
"Admitting your mistakes is your responsibility."
Today's Dare
Pray for the things you've done wrong. Admit them to your spouse. Be sincere and truthful. Ask for forgiveness. They may respond negatively or with criticism. But maintain your choice to love and be personally responsible for the actions you've chosen.
Reflections
"What does your mate need to see in order to believe that your confession was more than just words?"
Personal Responsibility.
"We are so quick to justify our motives. So quick to deflect criticism. So quick to find fault- especially with our spouse, who is always the easiest one to blame."
"As far as we're concerned, we're doing the best we can. And our spouse just ought to be glad we're as good to them as we are."
The thing that strikes me about that last sentence is how selfish it sounds- and we've already done the "love is not selfish" dare!
The book suggests listening when arguing. Instead of proving yourself right, listen to what your partner is saying.
We should be making deliberate efforts to care for the person we've chosen to love. Not seeking out ways for ourselves to be cared for.
"Pride is very resistant to responsibility, but humility and honesty before God and your spouse is crucial for a healthy relationship."
If you have wronged your spouse, you have to seek forgiveness. You can't force them to forgive you but you can choose to recognize your error and ask for healing.
"Admitting your mistakes is your responsibility."
Today's Dare
Pray for the things you've done wrong. Admit them to your spouse. Be sincere and truthful. Ask for forgiveness. They may respond negatively or with criticism. But maintain your choice to love and be personally responsible for the actions you've chosen.
Reflections
"What does your mate need to see in order to believe that your confession was more than just words?"
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Day 25: Love forgives
After a break from the book, I'm ready to get back to it. Sorry for the pause but I needed some distance after those last few entries.
Daily Reading
You have to forgive for a marriage to work. And not just forgiveness within your marriage. But letting go of anything from your past that needs forgiving, too. Any hurts from your childhood, for example. You have to let those things go, forgive the people who have hurt you... so that you can be complete in your marriage.
And then you choose to let your anger go against your spouse. Anything you've been holding a grudge over. Anything you've clung to or tucked away... because living a life with hidden and pent up anger just means that it will come back to bite you later on.
Today's Dare
Whatever you've been holding on to, whatever grudge you've been carrying... let it go. Choose to forgive.
Reflections
What did you forgive your spouse for? How long had you been carrying this anger? How do you feel after letting it go?
Daily Reading
You have to forgive for a marriage to work. And not just forgiveness within your marriage. But letting go of anything from your past that needs forgiving, too. Any hurts from your childhood, for example. You have to let those things go, forgive the people who have hurt you... so that you can be complete in your marriage.
And then you choose to let your anger go against your spouse. Anything you've been holding a grudge over. Anything you've clung to or tucked away... because living a life with hidden and pent up anger just means that it will come back to bite you later on.
Today's Dare
Whatever you've been holding on to, whatever grudge you've been carrying... let it go. Choose to forgive.
Reflections
What did you forgive your spouse for? How long had you been carrying this anger? How do you feel after letting it go?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Day 24: Love vs. Lust
Daily Reading
Lust opposes love because you lust after something forbidden. Lust "breeds more lust." The authors define lust as "a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill."
It goes on to say that lust "alerts you to the fact that you are not allowing God's love to fill you."
"Focus on being grateful for everything God has already given you rather than choosing discontentment."
***
From dictionary.com:
–noun
1. intense sexual desire or appetite.
2. uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.
3. a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually fol. by for): a lust for power.
4. ardent enthusiasm; zest; relish: an enviable lust for life.
5. Obsolete. a. pleasure or delight. b. desire; inclination; wish.
–verb (used without object)
6. to have intense sexual desire.
7. to have a yearning or desire; have a strong or excessive craving (often fol. by for or after).
***
I get the point the authors are making but I disagree, again. Because I think they are taking a very narrow view of the word "lust." Personally, I like a little lust in my marriage. Knowing that my husband has a strong sexual desire for me is a pretty amazing part of our marriage, our intimacy.
I understand their point. I do. That if you aren't satisfied with the blessings you have, if you don't recognize how good your life already is, you will constantly be looking for more and that will get in the way of what you already have.
But that, to me, isn't lust. This goes back to "Love is satisfied."
Today's Dare
"End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed- today- and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love."
Reflections
"What did you identify as an are of lust? What has this pursuit cost you over time? How has it led you away from the person you want to be? Write about your commitment to Him- and to seek your spouse- rather than seeking after foolish desires."
Lust opposes love because you lust after something forbidden. Lust "breeds more lust." The authors define lust as "a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill."
It goes on to say that lust "alerts you to the fact that you are not allowing God's love to fill you."
"Focus on being grateful for everything God has already given you rather than choosing discontentment."
***
From dictionary.com:
–noun
1. intense sexual desire or appetite.
2. uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness.
3. a passionate or overmastering desire or craving (usually fol. by for): a lust for power.
4. ardent enthusiasm; zest; relish: an enviable lust for life.
5. Obsolete. a. pleasure or delight. b. desire; inclination; wish.
–verb (used without object)
6. to have intense sexual desire.
7. to have a yearning or desire; have a strong or excessive craving (often fol. by for or after).
***
I get the point the authors are making but I disagree, again. Because I think they are taking a very narrow view of the word "lust." Personally, I like a little lust in my marriage. Knowing that my husband has a strong sexual desire for me is a pretty amazing part of our marriage, our intimacy.
I understand their point. I do. That if you aren't satisfied with the blessings you have, if you don't recognize how good your life already is, you will constantly be looking for more and that will get in the way of what you already have.
But that, to me, isn't lust. This goes back to "Love is satisfied."
Today's Dare
"End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed- today- and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love."
Reflections
"What did you identify as an are of lust? What has this pursuit cost you over time? How has it led you away from the person you want to be? Write about your commitment to Him- and to seek your spouse- rather than seeking after foolish desires."
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Day 23: Love always protects
Daily Reading
You must fight to defend and protect your spouse and your marriage. There are outside forces that will come along that will try to weaken you, your spouse, your commitment to each other.
You have to be mindful and aware of harmful influences, unhealthy relationships, shame, parasites (usually in the form of addictions like gambling, drugs, pornography).
And again I'm going to take issue with the text.
Wives- you have a role as protector in your marriage. You must guard your heart from being led away through novels, magazines and other forms of entertainment that blur your perception of reality and put unfair expectations on your husband. Instead you must do your part in helping him feel strong, while also avoiding talk-show thinking that can lure your attention away from your family.
WOW. As a woman, as a wife... I am hugely insulted by this paragraph. Are these authors serious? First of all, they just made it VERY clear that the book was written by 2 men. Second of all, how demeaning is this?? How dare they presume that women are sitting around reading fluff novels or watching chick flicks all the day long instead of "doing their wifely duties."
Highly annoyed. Highly. So annoyed that I can barely tolerate eating any more of these bon bons and peeled grapes.
And the part directed towards the men (and it doesn't say husbands, it says men) just talks about protecting the wife and marriage at all times. That's it.
I'm so annoyed that I don't even want to continue on to the dare part. Thankfully, it's one that really doesn't pertain to our marriage. So I'll share it.
But after the talk that sounds like an excuse for abuse and the heavy handed ramming of God down the throat and now this idiotic and very insulting "instruction" for women... I don't have much interest in continuing.
Today's Dare
"Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse."
Reflections
"What did you throw out first? Are there others that need to go as well? What do you hope the removal of these things will do for you, your marriage, and your relationship with God?"
You must fight to defend and protect your spouse and your marriage. There are outside forces that will come along that will try to weaken you, your spouse, your commitment to each other.
You have to be mindful and aware of harmful influences, unhealthy relationships, shame, parasites (usually in the form of addictions like gambling, drugs, pornography).
And again I'm going to take issue with the text.
Wives- you have a role as protector in your marriage. You must guard your heart from being led away through novels, magazines and other forms of entertainment that blur your perception of reality and put unfair expectations on your husband. Instead you must do your part in helping him feel strong, while also avoiding talk-show thinking that can lure your attention away from your family.
WOW. As a woman, as a wife... I am hugely insulted by this paragraph. Are these authors serious? First of all, they just made it VERY clear that the book was written by 2 men. Second of all, how demeaning is this?? How dare they presume that women are sitting around reading fluff novels or watching chick flicks all the day long instead of "doing their wifely duties."
Highly annoyed. Highly. So annoyed that I can barely tolerate eating any more of these bon bons and peeled grapes.
And the part directed towards the men (and it doesn't say husbands, it says men) just talks about protecting the wife and marriage at all times. That's it.
I'm so annoyed that I don't even want to continue on to the dare part. Thankfully, it's one that really doesn't pertain to our marriage. So I'll share it.
But after the talk that sounds like an excuse for abuse and the heavy handed ramming of God down the throat and now this idiotic and very insulting "instruction" for women... I don't have much interest in continuing.
Today's Dare
"Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that is stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse."
Reflections
"What did you throw out first? Are there others that need to go as well? What do you hope the removal of these things will do for you, your marriage, and your relationship with God?"
Friday, February 20, 2009
Day 22: Love is faithful
Daily Reading & Reflections
Again, this is a reading that I am taking with a grain of salt. Or a lick of salt. Or more.
It's not all about God this time.
This time, I am back to thinking about the woman who has bought this book because she is desperate to save her marriage. Her husband is emotionally cruel towards her, maybe even abusive. She blames herself and looks for ways to change and improve herself so that she can be good enough, be better, be what he wants her to be... thinking it will make him change.
Or the woman who picked up the book thinking it would help her heal and help her strengthen her marriage, even as her husband repeats infidelity after infidelity.
The book is for those who wish to strengthen what is good. The book is there for those who want to rekindle what has faded.
The book is NOT going to fix any major problems in a marriage. And the message to anyone in a true marriage crisis needs to be that this book is NOT the answer.
***
I took today's reading to mean that when, for example, Jeff is cranky and he isn't being loving towards me, it is my calling through God to continue to show love to him. In essence, it goes back to the early lessons of choosing love even when it's a hard choice. But it takes it a step further. If Jeff were to do something that really hurt me, would I choose to continue to show him love, choose to continue to love him?
We don't fight often. I do recall one big fight early in our marriage, prior to having children. And we argued and we came to a realization and we communicated and it hasn't ever been an issue since. We chose to love. It wasn't some big huge thing that was going to risk our marriage- unless it went unattended to (that goes back to one of those earlier dares, too). But we handled it right away.
We argue and get mad at each other. We get cranky and snippy. But we don't have big fights. We don't have big issues. I feel very blessed so far!
The time will come that we hurt each other. The time will come that we face something really difficult. And when love is faithful, we choose to love each other through those difficult times.
I think of this more in terms of my kids, I think. I often tell Teagan, after she's been rotten or gotten in trouble or I've yelled at her, that "I still love" her. And I make sure to often tell her that no matter what she says or what she does, I will still love her.
Today's Dare
"Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."
Again, this is a reading that I am taking with a grain of salt. Or a lick of salt. Or more.
It's not all about God this time.
This time, I am back to thinking about the woman who has bought this book because she is desperate to save her marriage. Her husband is emotionally cruel towards her, maybe even abusive. She blames herself and looks for ways to change and improve herself so that she can be good enough, be better, be what he wants her to be... thinking it will make him change.
Or the woman who picked up the book thinking it would help her heal and help her strengthen her marriage, even as her husband repeats infidelity after infidelity.
The book is for those who wish to strengthen what is good. The book is there for those who want to rekindle what has faded.
The book is NOT going to fix any major problems in a marriage. And the message to anyone in a true marriage crisis needs to be that this book is NOT the answer.
***
I took today's reading to mean that when, for example, Jeff is cranky and he isn't being loving towards me, it is my calling through God to continue to show love to him. In essence, it goes back to the early lessons of choosing love even when it's a hard choice. But it takes it a step further. If Jeff were to do something that really hurt me, would I choose to continue to show him love, choose to continue to love him?
We don't fight often. I do recall one big fight early in our marriage, prior to having children. And we argued and we came to a realization and we communicated and it hasn't ever been an issue since. We chose to love. It wasn't some big huge thing that was going to risk our marriage- unless it went unattended to (that goes back to one of those earlier dares, too). But we handled it right away.
We argue and get mad at each other. We get cranky and snippy. But we don't have big fights. We don't have big issues. I feel very blessed so far!
The time will come that we hurt each other. The time will come that we face something really difficult. And when love is faithful, we choose to love each other through those difficult times.
I think of this more in terms of my kids, I think. I often tell Teagan, after she's been rotten or gotten in trouble or I've yelled at her, that "I still love" her. And I make sure to often tell her that no matter what she says or what she does, I will still love her.
Today's Dare
"Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction. Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it. Say to them today, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Day 21: Love is satisfied in God
Daily Read
The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire. Isaiah 58:11
Before I get into the reading, I feel like I need to say a few things.
My relationship with God is strong. He is very much a part of my daily life. I know my purpose for Him.
My husband doesn't know God the way I do. I pray about that a lot. But I know that it has to happen in its own time.
That's part of why I don't love these last few days. I don't like a book that tells my husband that he can't fully love me because he doesn't hold God in his heart.
He finds that pretty insulting, too. And it turns him off from the Dare and it turns him off from a relationship with God.
I think that anytime you tell someone something that sounds like an ultimatum... it's a turn off.
So while I understand that love deepens with God, that God's greatest gift is love, that I need Him as a very important part of my life... my husband isn't there yet and I don't see the value in cheapening the love he feels for me by telling him it isn't real enough because his faith isn't there yet.
So for these days that focus on spirituality, I will focus only on myself.
***
Bottom line for today's read is that God can supply you with everything you need to be your whole self.
Today's Dare
Pray, read your Bible. Read a chapter in Proverbs or one of the Gospels.
Reflections
"How do you think spending time daily with God will change your situation and perspective? How can you make Him a bigger part of your day?"
I talk to God throughout the day. I pray many times a day. My relationship with Him is important and is strong and is full of love and wonder. I don't read my Bible enough and would like to get into the habit of doing so more often.
The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire. Isaiah 58:11
Before I get into the reading, I feel like I need to say a few things.
My relationship with God is strong. He is very much a part of my daily life. I know my purpose for Him.
My husband doesn't know God the way I do. I pray about that a lot. But I know that it has to happen in its own time.
That's part of why I don't love these last few days. I don't like a book that tells my husband that he can't fully love me because he doesn't hold God in his heart.
He finds that pretty insulting, too. And it turns him off from the Dare and it turns him off from a relationship with God.
I think that anytime you tell someone something that sounds like an ultimatum... it's a turn off.
So while I understand that love deepens with God, that God's greatest gift is love, that I need Him as a very important part of my life... my husband isn't there yet and I don't see the value in cheapening the love he feels for me by telling him it isn't real enough because his faith isn't there yet.
So for these days that focus on spirituality, I will focus only on myself.
***
Bottom line for today's read is that God can supply you with everything you need to be your whole self.
Today's Dare
Pray, read your Bible. Read a chapter in Proverbs or one of the Gospels.
Reflections
"How do you think spending time daily with God will change your situation and perspective? How can you make Him a bigger part of your day?"
I talk to God throughout the day. I pray many times a day. My relationship with Him is important and is strong and is full of love and wonder. I don't read my Bible enough and would like to get into the habit of doing so more often.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Day 20: Love is Jesus Christ
Daily Reading
"He was willing to love you even though you didn't deserve it, even when you didn't love back. He was able to see all your flaws and imperfections and still choose to love you. His love made the greatest sacrifice to meet your greatest need. As a result, you are able (by His grace) to walk in the fullness and blessing of His love. Now and forever.
This means that you now share this same love with your spouse. You can love even when you're not loved in return. You can see all their flaws and imperfections and still choose love. And though you can't meet their needs the way God can, you can become His instrument to meet the needs of your spouse. As a result, he or she can walk in the fullness and blessing of your love. Now and till death.
True love is found in Christ alone. And after you have received His gift of new life by accepting His death in your place and His forgiveness for your sins, you are finally ready to live the dare."
OK. I'm a Christian. And I'm strong in my faith and secure in my relationship with God. All of this makes sense for me in that light.
But I think from the perspective of someone who isn't there and this would so turn me off. It's too heavy handed. It's the exact kind of thing that would make Jeff toss the book out.
But I guess that's why it's a Dare and not just a self-help book.
Today's Dare
"Dare to take God at His word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection. Lord, change my heart and save me by your grace."
Reflections
"Write about what this experience has been like for you. Even if you are only renewing your commitment to receive and express His love, what has He shown you today?"
"He was willing to love you even though you didn't deserve it, even when you didn't love back. He was able to see all your flaws and imperfections and still choose to love you. His love made the greatest sacrifice to meet your greatest need. As a result, you are able (by His grace) to walk in the fullness and blessing of His love. Now and forever.
This means that you now share this same love with your spouse. You can love even when you're not loved in return. You can see all their flaws and imperfections and still choose love. And though you can't meet their needs the way God can, you can become His instrument to meet the needs of your spouse. As a result, he or she can walk in the fullness and blessing of your love. Now and till death.
True love is found in Christ alone. And after you have received His gift of new life by accepting His death in your place and His forgiveness for your sins, you are finally ready to live the dare."
OK. I'm a Christian. And I'm strong in my faith and secure in my relationship with God. All of this makes sense for me in that light.
But I think from the perspective of someone who isn't there and this would so turn me off. It's too heavy handed. It's the exact kind of thing that would make Jeff toss the book out.
But I guess that's why it's a Dare and not just a self-help book.
Today's Dare
"Dare to take God at His word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection. Lord, change my heart and save me by your grace."
Reflections
"Write about what this experience has been like for you. Even if you are only renewing your commitment to receive and express His love, what has He shown you today?"
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Day 19: Love is impossible
Daily Reading
We are getting to the part where this book would be difficult for someone who is lacking faith or who doesn't believe in God... the part that would be hard for someone who is struggling in that area. Or who isn't struggling but just doesn't follow a Christian set of beliefs.
Let us love one another, for love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who doesn't love, doesn't know God for God is love. 1 John 4:7-8
"You cannot manufacture unconditional love (or agape love) out of your own heart."
You can demonstrate kindness, you can choose to be more thoughtful. "But sincerely loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is another matter altogether."
"Like it or not, agape love isn't something you can do. It's something only God can do. But because of his great love for you- and His love for your spouse- He chooses to express his love through you."
The text goes on to give examples of the way that human attempts, even the most serious, at agape love, at unconditional love, fail. But that God's love for us never fails.
And if you don't have that love as a resource, if you refuse it or don't have faith in it, you don't have it to give.
Bottom line is that if your marriage is lacking, your relationship with God may be lacking as well. And that by turning to God and by opening your heart to His love, you are opening yourself to being able to love and be loved in your marriage.
Today's Dare
"Look back over the Dares from the previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible for you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination."
Reflections
"What do you believe God is saying to you? Is there a stirring in your heart? What decision have you made in response to this?"
We are getting to the part where this book would be difficult for someone who is lacking faith or who doesn't believe in God... the part that would be hard for someone who is struggling in that area. Or who isn't struggling but just doesn't follow a Christian set of beliefs.
Let us love one another, for love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who doesn't love, doesn't know God for God is love. 1 John 4:7-8
"You cannot manufacture unconditional love (or agape love) out of your own heart."
You can demonstrate kindness, you can choose to be more thoughtful. "But sincerely loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is another matter altogether."
"Like it or not, agape love isn't something you can do. It's something only God can do. But because of his great love for you- and His love for your spouse- He chooses to express his love through you."
The text goes on to give examples of the way that human attempts, even the most serious, at agape love, at unconditional love, fail. But that God's love for us never fails.
And if you don't have that love as a resource, if you refuse it or don't have faith in it, you don't have it to give.
Bottom line is that if your marriage is lacking, your relationship with God may be lacking as well. And that by turning to God and by opening your heart to His love, you are opening yourself to being able to love and be loved in your marriage.
Today's Dare
"Look back over the Dares from the previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible for you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination."
Reflections
"What do you believe God is saying to you? Is there a stirring in your heart? What decision have you made in response to this?"
Monday, February 16, 2009
Day 18: Love seeks to understand
Daily Reading
Bottom line is that you have to keep your interest in your spouse alive. You have to seek to continue to learn about them every day. Just like you would about a hobby or passion.
Ask questions, listen, pray.
Choose to study your spouse. Choose to know them better. Choose to seek understanding. Choose to deepen.
Today's Dare
"Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it enjoyable for you and your mate."
Reflections
"What did you learn about your spouse that you didn't know before? How could you continue this process of discovery in other ways, at other times? What were some of the moments that made this evening memorable?"
Before I even get started, I've got a reflection. This book couldn't have been written by parents of young children. Or by families with 2 working parents. I'm amending this dare. I'll make dinner because I am home today, by chance. But dinner will include our kids. We know each other really well. I know there is more to learn- but it can't be forced, it has to happen on its own time. So I'll make a dinner I don't often get to make due to time (pot roast). It's my compromise.
It was a stressful day in regards to kids and behavior. But we got through it. And I made our family dinner- pot roast and veggies and au gratin potatoes. Which was mostly enjoyed by all. And once the kids went to bed, Jeff and I enjoyed a cheesy teen movie on Nick (Spectacular!). And we sat together and held hands and made a lot of jokes and laughed, genuinely, a lot. Some might say that doing this Dare in front of the TV isn't right. But it's something we enjoy together. And we dedicated that time to each other and our chosen activity.
I can't say there are areas we "rarely" talk about, either...
So our evening wasn't about completing a Dare, doing an assigned task. We just enjoyed each other!
Bottom line is that you have to keep your interest in your spouse alive. You have to seek to continue to learn about them every day. Just like you would about a hobby or passion.
Ask questions, listen, pray.
Choose to study your spouse. Choose to know them better. Choose to seek understanding. Choose to deepen.
Today's Dare
"Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the 2 of you. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you've rarely talked about. Determine to make it enjoyable for you and your mate."
Reflections
"What did you learn about your spouse that you didn't know before? How could you continue this process of discovery in other ways, at other times? What were some of the moments that made this evening memorable?"
Before I even get started, I've got a reflection. This book couldn't have been written by parents of young children. Or by families with 2 working parents. I'm amending this dare. I'll make dinner because I am home today, by chance. But dinner will include our kids. We know each other really well. I know there is more to learn- but it can't be forced, it has to happen on its own time. So I'll make a dinner I don't often get to make due to time (pot roast). It's my compromise.
It was a stressful day in regards to kids and behavior. But we got through it. And I made our family dinner- pot roast and veggies and au gratin potatoes. Which was mostly enjoyed by all. And once the kids went to bed, Jeff and I enjoyed a cheesy teen movie on Nick (Spectacular!). And we sat together and held hands and made a lot of jokes and laughed, genuinely, a lot. Some might say that doing this Dare in front of the TV isn't right. But it's something we enjoy together. And we dedicated that time to each other and our chosen activity.
I can't say there are areas we "rarely" talk about, either...
So our evening wasn't about completing a Dare, doing an assigned task. We just enjoyed each other!
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Day 17: Love promotes intimacy
Daily Reading
"Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships."
"Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at great depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from."
"Are the secrets your spouse knows about you reasons for shame, or reasons for drawing you closer?"
The text goes on to compare marriage to our relationship with God. He created us and knows our thoughts, fears, dreams. Inside and out. And with all of our faults, all of our sins, all of our shame, He loves us.
Today's Dare
"Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe."
Reflections
"How much of an effort is it for you to hold back from saying something, critical or otherwise? What have you learned about your spouse today, simply from listening?"
Here's Jeff's big secret.... ha! Not going to tell you!
Early in our relationship, Jeff and I shared some very personal things with each other. Not really "secrets," per se, but definitely sensitive information about ourselves. Information that someone untrustworthy would use against you. He knows the mistakes I've made, the regrets I have, the "shame" of things in my past. And ditto me for him. These are things that we never throw in each other's faces. These are things that don't come up when we have disagreements. There are some areas where it would be easy to bring up these things and really hurt each other. But we respect each other too much for that. We love each other too much for that.
So no new struggles to talk about. Jeff and I already talk and talk about just about everything. Lots of info about our days, our friends, our daily experiences. He knows things about my thoughts and I know things about his thoughts.
Intimacy, trust, respect, love... it all goes together.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Day 16: Love intercedes
Daily Reading
Intercede- to attempt to reconcile differences between two people or groups; mediate.
Summary of this reading... You can't change your spouse but you can pray to God for your spouse to change.
I completely disagree.
I agree that you can pray this way. I agree that you can't change your partner.
But I'm not one who prays for results. Rarely.
I don't think that praying to God about Jeff's clutter will net any results. But praying for God to guide me as I try to encourage Jeff to clean out the basement... that I can do.
Jeff and I are in different places in regards to faith and religion and such.
I pray about that every day.
Today's Dare
"Begin praying today for your spouse's heart. Pray for 3 specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage."
Reflections
"Have you experienced the power of prayer in the past? What did you choose to pray about? Was it easy for you, or did it feel foreign to you?"
I pray daily, many times a day. I'm not one for very formal, down on my knees prayer. But I converse often with God in any given day.
I've been praying for my husband for a long time. I don't have a list of things I'm praying for. Really just one. That he opens his heart to God.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Day 15: Love is honorable
Daily Reading
Honor can be defined as "holding in high respect."
According to the text, honor also means speaking politely, paying full attention, doing what is asked of you.
But love being honorable has a deeper meaning.
Love should be holy. If your partner is holy to you, they are sacred, honored, praised, defended.
And even when our partner doesn't treat us with honor, Love still honors.
"Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return."
"...when your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to give honor just the same."
I get what the book is saying. And in a normal, healthy relationship, this applies nicely. But I keep thinking of some poor abused spouse using this bit of text as a reason to remain with their abusive partner.
I'll keep it in my scope, in the scope of my own marriage, though.
Today's Dare
"Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."
Reflections
"How did you choose to show honor? What was the result? What are some ways you could demonstrate honor in the coming days?"
I have to admit to being behind on updating. I do not remember specifically what I did to show my husband that I honor him.
In response to the comment Momza left, I would just add that a central theme in this book, as well as a theme I frequently hear from my preacher's pulpit, is that LOVE is also an action and a choice. Today in church, my pastor spoke about forgiveness being a decision, too. Powerful stuff.
Honor can be defined as "holding in high respect."
According to the text, honor also means speaking politely, paying full attention, doing what is asked of you.
But love being honorable has a deeper meaning.
Love should be holy. If your partner is holy to you, they are sacred, honored, praised, defended.
And even when our partner doesn't treat us with honor, Love still honors.
"Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return."
"...when your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to give honor just the same."
I get what the book is saying. And in a normal, healthy relationship, this applies nicely. But I keep thinking of some poor abused spouse using this bit of text as a reason to remain with their abusive partner.
I'll keep it in my scope, in the scope of my own marriage, though.
Today's Dare
"Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."
Reflections
"How did you choose to show honor? What was the result? What are some ways you could demonstrate honor in the coming days?"
I have to admit to being behind on updating. I do not remember specifically what I did to show my husband that I honor him.
In response to the comment Momza left, I would just add that a central theme in this book, as well as a theme I frequently hear from my preacher's pulpit, is that LOVE is also an action and a choice. Today in church, my pastor spoke about forgiveness being a decision, too. Powerful stuff.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Day 14: Love takes delight
Again, recognize that there will be conflict. There will be aggravation. Your partner will get on your nerves.
You either let those things go or you fester in them.
You either choose to follow your heart or you choose to lead it.
Learn to delight in your spouse. To rediscover the things you fell in love with.
If you've never read the Song of Solomon, do so. Who knew the Bible could be so steamy?
"The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever."
Based on today's dare, this will also relate back to Jeff's expression a few Dares ago to have me put him ahead of the kids more often.
Today's Dare
"Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."
Reflections
"What did you decide to give up? What did you do together? How did it go? What new thing did you learn (or relearn) about your spouse?"
We both chose to dedicate an hour after the kids' bedtime to each other. Details... aren't to be shared... sorry!
You either let those things go or you fester in them.
You either choose to follow your heart or you choose to lead it.
Learn to delight in your spouse. To rediscover the things you fell in love with.
If you've never read the Song of Solomon, do so. Who knew the Bible could be so steamy?
"The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever."
Based on today's dare, this will also relate back to Jeff's expression a few Dares ago to have me put him ahead of the kids more often.
Today's Dare
"Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."
Reflections
"What did you decide to give up? What did you do together? How did it go? What new thing did you learn (or relearn) about your spouse?"
We both chose to dedicate an hour after the kids' bedtime to each other. Details... aren't to be shared... sorry!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Day 13: Love fights fair
Every couple has conflict. For a variety of reasons. Not every couple makes it through those conflicts.
"... this is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together."
When fighting, we aim to hurt the other person. We fear being hurt. We become prideful and selfish and, sometimes, downright mean.
"But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you're fighting about."
The text goes on to discuss the importance of having rules for fighting. Specifically, "we" rules and "me" rules. Boundaries. The text says boundaries.
"We" boundaries are agreed upon between both partners. "Me" boundaries are what you promise to practice on your own.
An example of a "we" boundary might be that "we will never mention divorce" or "we will not fight in front of our kids."
An example of a "me" boundary might be that "I will keep my voice gentle and quiet" or "I won't use underhanded attacks."
"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge, not burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."
I really like that bolded part... Disagreeing with dignity. That could become a calming, centering mantra, I think.
Today's Dare
"Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs."
Reflections
"If your spouse participated with you, what was their response? What rules did you write for yourself?"
Because of the circumstances of the day and evening, Jeff and I did not have a chance to sit and talk about this. We were both at work all day. Then a rush home and out the door for dinner at church. Then rush home and do bedtime. Then Jeff tackled our taxes (just one of the many things that he does that I am so very thankful for). So that tied up the rest of the evening.
But I did think of rules for myself. And maybe, if Jeff, my invisible co-author, ever pops in to add his own thoughts, maybe he'll share his own rules.
For me... I will respond with a focus on "disagreeing with dignity." Not blowing off what he is saying. Taking the time to listen and hear him. Be aware of my body language so that he knows I am taking him seriously and that I value his opinions. Ask questions so that I fully understand his position instead of assuming what I think he is saying.
"... this is about dealing with conflict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together."
When fighting, we aim to hurt the other person. We fear being hurt. We become prideful and selfish and, sometimes, downright mean.
"But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your spouse is more important than whatever you're fighting about."
The text goes on to discuss the importance of having rules for fighting. Specifically, "we" rules and "me" rules. Boundaries. The text says boundaries.
"We" boundaries are agreed upon between both partners. "Me" boundaries are what you promise to practice on your own.
An example of a "we" boundary might be that "we will never mention divorce" or "we will not fight in front of our kids."
An example of a "me" boundary might be that "I will keep my voice gentle and quiet" or "I won't use underhanded attacks."
"Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge, not burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for."
I really like that bolded part... Disagreeing with dignity. That could become a calming, centering mantra, I think.
Today's Dare
"Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs."
Reflections
"If your spouse participated with you, what was their response? What rules did you write for yourself?"
Because of the circumstances of the day and evening, Jeff and I did not have a chance to sit and talk about this. We were both at work all day. Then a rush home and out the door for dinner at church. Then rush home and do bedtime. Then Jeff tackled our taxes (just one of the many things that he does that I am so very thankful for). So that tied up the rest of the evening.
But I did think of rules for myself. And maybe, if Jeff, my invisible co-author, ever pops in to add his own thoughts, maybe he'll share his own rules.
For me... I will respond with a focus on "disagreeing with dignity." Not blowing off what he is saying. Taking the time to listen and hear him. Be aware of my body language so that he knows I am taking him seriously and that I value his opinions. Ask questions so that I fully understand his position instead of assuming what I think he is saying.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Day 12: Love lets the other win
Daily Reading
Bottom line... Sometimes you gotta let the other guy win. Is the argument really worth it? What do you stand to lose by continuing to not budge on a position? Can you give up and let them win this one?
Not budging is compared to driving with the parking brake on. You keep moving but you are dragging and will eventually ruin yourself.
Instead of being stubborn, try to be willing.
It's the idea that it takes two for a fight to continue.
"I'm willing to go your way on this one."
And just because the issue isn't a constant or current argument, doesn't mean it isn't festering and growing. Unresolved arguments are still present.
"Instead of treating your wife or husband like the enemy or someone to be guarded against, start by treating them as your closest, most honored friend."
"Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won't have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from."
Only once does the reading mention pride... but I think that the frequent cause of not agreeing and not "letting your spouse win" is pride. At least... maybe that's what it is for me?
Today's Dare
"Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."
Reflections
"What issue did you choose? What did giving in cost you? How will this help you in the future?"
Here's the thing... I tried and tried to come up with some issue between us that is a sore point or an unresolved issue. Couldn't think of anything. Really. So I decided I'd ask Jeff. I've asked him to log in and post his thoughts.
Bottom line... Sometimes you gotta let the other guy win. Is the argument really worth it? What do you stand to lose by continuing to not budge on a position? Can you give up and let them win this one?
Not budging is compared to driving with the parking brake on. You keep moving but you are dragging and will eventually ruin yourself.
Instead of being stubborn, try to be willing.
It's the idea that it takes two for a fight to continue.
"I'm willing to go your way on this one."
And just because the issue isn't a constant or current argument, doesn't mean it isn't festering and growing. Unresolved arguments are still present.
"Instead of treating your wife or husband like the enemy or someone to be guarded against, start by treating them as your closest, most honored friend."
"Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won't have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from."
Only once does the reading mention pride... but I think that the frequent cause of not agreeing and not "letting your spouse win" is pride. At least... maybe that's what it is for me?
Today's Dare
"Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."
Reflections
"What issue did you choose? What did giving in cost you? How will this help you in the future?"
Here's the thing... I tried and tried to come up with some issue between us that is a sore point or an unresolved issue. Couldn't think of anything. Really. So I decided I'd ask Jeff. I've asked him to log in and post his thoughts.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Day 11: Love cherishes
Daily Reading
It starts with a comparison, 2 situations. A man with an older car that has broken down and will cost a lot of money to repair. In stead of repairing it, he uses the money to buy a new car. Another man who has his man severely injured and goes through whatever it takes to have the hand repaired and nurses it back to full usage.
Both scenarios seem reasonable and likely.
"The problem within our culture is that marriage is more often treated like the first scenario. When your relationship experiences difficulty, you are urged to dump your spouse for a "newer model." But those who have this view do not understand the significant bond between a husband and wife. The truth is, marriage is more like the second scenario. You are a part of one another. You would never cut off your hand if it was injured but would pay whatever you could afford for the best medical treatment possible. That's because your hand is priceless to you. It is part of who you are."
"When you mistreat your mate, you are also mistreating yourself. Think about it. Your lives are now interwoven together. Your spouse cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you."
It boils down to the belief that when you join into a marriage, two become one. And when one hurts, both hurt. When one celebrates, both celebrate. I think it ties in with the idea that you can't truly love someone else until you learn to love yourself. Because once you take the vows and make the commitment... your spouse becomes one with you. And if you don't love you, how can you love this new part of you?
Today's Dare
"What need does your spouse have that you could meet today?... Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with a smile."
Reflections
"What did you choose to show that you cherish your mate? What did you learn from this experience?"
I didn't feel very inspired by this Dare. I did follow up with Jeff on a health thing- he had been complaining about his ear hurting so I made a point to check in with him and see how he was feeling.
It starts with a comparison, 2 situations. A man with an older car that has broken down and will cost a lot of money to repair. In stead of repairing it, he uses the money to buy a new car. Another man who has his man severely injured and goes through whatever it takes to have the hand repaired and nurses it back to full usage.
Both scenarios seem reasonable and likely.
"The problem within our culture is that marriage is more often treated like the first scenario. When your relationship experiences difficulty, you are urged to dump your spouse for a "newer model." But those who have this view do not understand the significant bond between a husband and wife. The truth is, marriage is more like the second scenario. You are a part of one another. You would never cut off your hand if it was injured but would pay whatever you could afford for the best medical treatment possible. That's because your hand is priceless to you. It is part of who you are."
"When you mistreat your mate, you are also mistreating yourself. Think about it. Your lives are now interwoven together. Your spouse cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you."
It boils down to the belief that when you join into a marriage, two become one. And when one hurts, both hurt. When one celebrates, both celebrate. I think it ties in with the idea that you can't truly love someone else until you learn to love yourself. Because once you take the vows and make the commitment... your spouse becomes one with you. And if you don't love you, how can you love this new part of you?
Today's Dare
"What need does your spouse have that you could meet today?... Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with a smile."
Reflections
"What did you choose to show that you cherish your mate? What did you learn from this experience?"
I didn't feel very inspired by this Dare. I did follow up with Jeff on a health thing- he had been complaining about his ear hurting so I made a point to check in with him and see how he was feeling.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Day 10: Love is unconditional
Daily Reading
This is another one that I recommend having the book and reading it for yourself!
True, unconditional love is the strongest because it is about choosing to love rather than feeling love.
The text refers to the Greek words for love- agape, phileo, and eros. Eros is erotic or sexual in nature. Phileo (or philos) is a love based on friendship. Agape is unconditional love. Here's a link to another blog that gives a nice description of each of these 3 types of love.
"Phileo and eros are more responsive in nature and can fluctuate based upon feelings. Agape love, on the other hand, is selfless and unconditional. So unless this kind of love forms the foundation of your marriage, the wear and tear of time will destroy it. Agape love is "in sickness and in health" love, "for richer or poorer" love, "for better or worse" love. It is the only kind of love that is true love."
With agape as the foundation, phileo and eros become more intense, more present.
Agape love is typically seen as divine love. Coming from God. Because it is God's love that allows us and encourages us to love.
...neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39
Or... in the words of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell...
"There ain't no mountain high enough, Ain't no valley low enough, Ain't no river wide enough, To keep me from getting to you..."
Today's Dare
"Do something out of the ordinary for your spouse- something that proves that your love is based on your choice and nothing else... Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage."
Reflections
"Has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior, or on your commitment? How can you continue to show love when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?"
My act of love was to make cookies- and make a special batch for him without chocolate. And making sure that Teagan understood that the cookies left on the plate were for Daddy (putting him first, see?).
I know that there are definitely times that my love has been about his behavior instead of my choice to love. It's a hard one to deal with. Because on the one hand... I want to show him love and make him feel special. But at the same time... I don't feel like I should put up with crap if he's being crappy. So I guess the focus would be to find a loving way to leave him alone.
I don't know. While I like the idea of unconditional love, I don't think it can truly exist. For example, if a husband abuses his wife... game over. I think that there are things that you have to make hard decisions about... Abuse, addiction, adultery. Things that are deal breakers.
I guess I have to continue to grapple with this one. But I don't think I can just say "unconditional love." It seems like a fallacy. Because of those deal breakers up there. If he chooses those over his marriage... if he chooses those over love... game over.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Day 9: Love makes good impressions
Daily Reading
This lesson focuses on the way you greet your spouse- from your first interaction when waking up... to arriving home at the end of the day.
"It's probably something you don't think about very often- the first thing you say to him or her when you wake up in the morning, the look on your face when you get in the car, the energy in your voice when you speak on the telephone. But here's something else you probably don't stop to consider- the difference it would make on your spouse's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them.
When someone communicates that they are glad to see you, your personal sense of self-worth increases. You feel more important and valued."
"It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic every time. But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in subtle, unspoken ways."
I really like this one. And I know it is one I can work on... I'm not mean or anything! But I know that I take for granted our waking up together, our coming home time. So I know I can do better with how I greet him, keeping my love for him at the forefront.
Today's Dare
Find a way to greet your spouse with love, warmth, enthusiasm.
Reflections
"When and where did you choose to do your special greeting? How will you change your greeting from this point on?"
I didn't come up with some special greeting because that just isn't us. But I was cognizant of how I greeted him. I know that I've not always been warm and loving when I greet Jeff. So it's a good point and something I intend to stay in tune with!
Friday, February 6, 2009
Day 8: Love is not jealous
Daily Reading
Legitimate vs illegitimate jealousy.
Legit jealousy is, for example, when a man leaves his wife for another woman. His wife is jealous (and lots of other things).
But most jealousy is "illegitimate." Based on selfishness... feeling angry that your friend got a better deal or won a contest or got a promotion. And jealousy tends to be connected to people around us.
Part of being a committed partner in a marriage is being your spouse's best supporter, greatest cheerleader. If one person in the relationship is jealous of their spouse's accomplishments... this leads to resentment, envy, anger.
"Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in. It leads you to celebrate the successes of your spouse rather than resenting them."
Complete not compete.
I know that I've felt jealousy of Jeff at time. I do try to focus on celebrating the event for him, though. For example, he participates in a gaming event that gets him out of the house for a long weekend or even a full week at a time. I miss him, the kids miss him, the adjustment is tough on our schedule. But I'm also jealous. Because I can't just up and leave for a week. Because I can't go away for an overnight. I need to focus on just rejoicing that he has something he enjoys doing, something he is good at, something where he gets to spend time with friends...
Today's Dare
Take yesterday's list of negative attributes and burn it. Tell your spouse something they've done recently that you are proud of.
Reflections
"How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? How can you encourage them toward future successes?"
Not hard at all to destroy the list- aside from not having anywhere to burn it! But it is destroyed.
Positive experiences to celebrate... while his job can be stressful, he does get praise and raises and such. Good reviews. He has become an integral part of a gaming thing that he does- he's one of the head people for it now. He's become an amazing father.
I'm tired- lack of sleep last night. So I know there is more but it's just not coming to me. Bottom line is that he's an amazing husband and father and those are the most important successes if you ask me!!
Encourage toward future successes? Listen and be in tune to what he wants. And then be by his side to help him get there. Not nag or lay a guilt trip on him... not complain. Just... believe in him.
Legitimate vs illegitimate jealousy.
Legit jealousy is, for example, when a man leaves his wife for another woman. His wife is jealous (and lots of other things).
But most jealousy is "illegitimate." Based on selfishness... feeling angry that your friend got a better deal or won a contest or got a promotion. And jealousy tends to be connected to people around us.
Part of being a committed partner in a marriage is being your spouse's best supporter, greatest cheerleader. If one person in the relationship is jealous of their spouse's accomplishments... this leads to resentment, envy, anger.
"Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in. It leads you to celebrate the successes of your spouse rather than resenting them."
Complete not compete.
I know that I've felt jealousy of Jeff at time. I do try to focus on celebrating the event for him, though. For example, he participates in a gaming event that gets him out of the house for a long weekend or even a full week at a time. I miss him, the kids miss him, the adjustment is tough on our schedule. But I'm also jealous. Because I can't just up and leave for a week. Because I can't go away for an overnight. I need to focus on just rejoicing that he has something he enjoys doing, something he is good at, something where he gets to spend time with friends...
Today's Dare
Take yesterday's list of negative attributes and burn it. Tell your spouse something they've done recently that you are proud of.
Reflections
"How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? How can you encourage them toward future successes?"
Not hard at all to destroy the list- aside from not having anywhere to burn it! But it is destroyed.
Positive experiences to celebrate... while his job can be stressful, he does get praise and raises and such. Good reviews. He has become an integral part of a gaming thing that he does- he's one of the head people for it now. He's become an amazing father.
I'm tired- lack of sleep last night. So I know there is more but it's just not coming to me. Bottom line is that he's an amazing husband and father and those are the most important successes if you ask me!!
Encourage toward future successes? Listen and be in tune to what he wants. And then be by his side to help him get there. Not nag or lay a guilt trip on him... not complain. Just... believe in him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)