"For the Kids"

This is another post coming out of the amazing weekend I spent with a group of 6 teen girls on a Christian conference for teen girls called The Revolve Tour.

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A very serious subject did come up in the car at one point. I was surprised with the openness that the girls shared with me and their friends. And I learned a lot.

Lately, the topic of marriages staying together has come up several times. Facebook, MomsLikeMe, in person with friends. And the discussion revolves around what's best- to divorce or "stay together for the kids." Some argue that a parent who is miserable in a marriage is going to rub their misery on the kids. Some argue that you stay together no matter what because that's what is best. Some argue that they grew up in a house with parents who hated one another and wished that their parents would have just divorced instead. The focus is always the same- it's always on the parents. The kids are usually just along for whatever ride the adults get on.


Sidebar: This is a discussion about your average marriage and not about anyone in a marriage that includes abuse or addiction. There are certainly times that a marriage has to end for the safety of the people involved or for the safety of the kids.


Granted, I was only with a small group of teen girls. And status didn't match statistics- the majority of the girls had parents who were still married and generally happy. But the voice of 2 of the girls has stayed with me.

1 girl knows that her parents struggle. She knows that one parent is seeking a way to leave the other. She knows that other parent wants to fight to save the marriage, wants to hold on. She knows they fight.
1 girl has parents already divorced and has step parents with each original parent. And both of those marriages are crumbling. One has a parent wanting to leave the other parent. One has a parent already left, filing for divorce.

And so we talked about what it means to be a "child of divorce." I came from a divorced family but was fortunate that the man my mother married commited himself to her (through marriage) and to me (through adoption). And I openly shared my thoughts and experiences since the girls were sharing so openly with me.
We talked about families that stay together. We talked about parents fighting. We talked about relationships. We talked about what they see for their future, their relationships. We talked about staying together "for the kids."

The consensus in the car was that staying together is best. Not in misery. Not fighting all the time. Not doing dumb stuff. The girls who are right in the thick of this stuff want their parents to fight FOR their marriage, for their family. They want their parents to be serious about loving each other. During the conference, one of the speakers would come out in the crowd and ask girls about their dreams. What is your dream? One girl- a teenager, remember- said her dream is for her parents to not get divorced.

Kids are selfish, aren't they? And don't we work hard to teach them not to be selfish? And yet the example they so often see in their own families is a parent acting selfishly.

Kids can be cruel to each other with their words and actions. And we rebuke them for it, hand down consequences. And yet they are often witness to our choices to yell and scream, maybe throw things or hurt each other.

Kids don't recognize that their choices have consequences. We strive to teach them self-responsibility, teach them that their choices can cause serious harm to others. And yet they witness us, maybe without our realizing how much they see and hear, maybe with us over-sharing in our quest to place blame or rid ourselves of guilt, stepping outside of our important relationships instead of working with our partner to fix the issues.

Jeff and I feel like we have a good marriage. We have fun together, we miss each other when the other is gone, we are intimate, we talk all the time, we need and want each other, we trust each other. He's not just my husband, he's also my friend. And we are both focused on keeping our marriage good so that we create a solid foundation for our kids. I don't ever want to blow up their world- life will inflict enough battle wounds. I'm blessed to have a husband who feels the same sense of responsibility and commitment to such an important mission. Sure, we fight, we snip, we nag, we complain. It's not all sunshine and roses. There is serious hard work involved in keeping a marriage good.

I could go on and on about my thoughts on marriage and divorce. But I think the opinion of the kids who rode in my van carry a lot more weight. And I hope a lot of people are listening.

They want you to stay together. They want you to be happy and love each other and love them- even if it takes a lot of work. They want you to work hard to keep it together. They want more than just staying together "for them." The demands are high, the expectations are immense. But it lines up nicely with those vows we made, doesn't it? And it lines up nicely with the very lessons we strive to impart on our kids, doesn't it?

Most of all... I think our kids are worth that fight and that hard work.

Don't Be A Hater

This is a subject I haven't been wanting to write about.

But then I read Shell's post today. And I'm taking the pledge.

I've really avoided most of the blog wars that go on. I tend to be pretty unaware of blog battles. I might catch wind of it via Twitter or something but I tend to not jump into the fray- mostly because I'm unaware of the situation.

My own situation isn't exactly about blogging.

I shared just yesterday about some experience I have with online communities- forums. There's one that I'm part of that is for local moms. From that community, I have haters. Some read my blog, one has left vitriolic comments on a few occassions that have caused me to turn comment moderation on and off and on and off. These women have led a campaign directly poking fun at me on Facebook. I've been the topic of conversation at gatherings- and never in a positive light.

I hesitate to bring it up because I don't want to poke a stick into it all.

Bottom line is that they don't like me. At all.

Honestly, I'm fine with that. There are people I don't understand out there. There are people that I don't agree with. There are people I don't like.

But I don't go after them or people connected to them. I don't spend time and energy putting negativity into the world in relation to them.

The funny thing is that on this online forum, I often agree with members of this group. And I post my similar opinion. In this online forum, happy faces are put on. In this online forum, some may just ignore me.

I'd prefer that. Because now I'm hearing that people in this group may be negatively impacted because they don't jump on the hate-wagon. And I'm never fond of my friends being hurt by others.

Here's what I see in this pledge. I see a chance for women (all bloggers, really) to stand together and say that it isn't ok to be cruel and hateful and mean. That it isn't ok to sit at a keyboard and be ugly and intend to cause harm. I see an opportunity to pledge to support, defend, and help others.

There will always be people in the world who don't like you or who don't like themselves or who are living with emptiness inside them. I've always thought that the important thing is to take the "high road" and not engage those people when they try to tear you down. And I think that is still best. While there is always a temptation to lash back, all that does is continue the hurt and negativity.

Funny how timing works because this all relates so well to what I posted yesterday about meekness. When someone disagrees with me, be tender without surrender.

To modify a quote from that post:

I will permit no Mommy/Blogger to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate them. -Booker T. Washington

Something Has To Change

I'm going to make a plan. I'm going to make some changes. About once or twice a year, I get really fed up with the condition of my house. I'm at that point. I want to be able to invite friends over. I want to be able to have a playdate for my kids. I want to walk into my home and feel comfortable and not like the stuff is taking over. I don't know how I will fit it in. But it's time. I need to schedule a work day. Maybe 2. The kids will need to be out of the house. Jeff will have to work with me. I want my house to feel like home. Do you have areas of your life that need organization? Maybe it's your entire house. Maybe the play room. Maybe a bathroom. Maybe a household project you've been putting off. But it's time to take charge and get things done. I'm going to join in on Karen's Project 52. I need a weekly chance to update and show the improvements we are making.

I've had a couple of friends- friends that I wouldn't be embarassed to have in my house- offer to come over and help me gain back control. I'm considering taking them up on the offer. Maybe set a date for a month from now- which would give Jeff and I both time to make our best effort first. I posted about it over at MomsLikeMe and have already gotten some great feedback. I don't mind a cluttered house. But I do mind when the clutter is taking over. I feel out of control and like the house is pressing in on me. It isn't fair to my kids to have that kind of chaotic feeling environment. I need to grab the reigns and reel this puppy back in.

Talent

Do you have a special talent? I was watching America's Got Talent last night and acts like Carlos Aponte blew me away- tiny little guy, tiny speaking voice, huge and fantastic singing voice. As Howie Mandel told him, "Your life just changed." And it got me wondering about talent and how we use it. If you listened to my sermon a few weeks ago (click over- I've added in text), I talked about using your talents. Do you know what your talents are? Do you use them? I sing. Or used to sing. I still sing but not in the same way. As a child and teen, I was a very good singer. I'm not going to try and be humble or blow off my talent. I could sing. I was selected to sing solos in church and at school. In junior high, my choir teacher took me to Solo and Ensemble competition as an 8th grader- the only time she'd taken a soloist who wasn't a freshman. In high school, I sang in choir and at church and in a select women's group at school (shout out to Triple Trio!). In college, I really got to dig into theatre. I'd gotten a little taste in high school and my university (Xavier) had a good theatre program. I'd had some acting classes in high school, been in a couple of shows. But college was where it all came together. Emergency Room, South Pacific, Once On This Island, Our Town, and many more. I was in show choir- my big solo number one year was "I Will Survive." I graduated and went into social work and there was no time for music or theatre. I moved to Indiana and away from social work and suddenly had time to go back to the arts. I discovered community theatre and became heavily involved. Then I had kids and stopped. I discovered Music Team at church and now I sing again. I've started up the children's choir and have plans to put on a concert style show this fall (in very early planning stages right now). So now I'm back to singing again. But it isn't the same. Sometimes... I wonder if life would have been different if choices made way back when had been made differently. What if we hadn't missed the date to audition for the School for Creative and Performing Arts when my family was considering a new school option for high school for me? What if I hadn't gone into social work but had gone on a path where I could still focus on the arts as a hobby... or a passion? I still sing. I love to sing. But I feel like I'm not good. Not like I used to be. Before... it was my talent, my passion, my hobby. It was something I was really good at and got a lot of praise for. My talent, I have to admit, was this strand of confidence that I could cling to during some very dark times while growing up. See, in the midst of struggling and drowning and hiding and fighting my demons... I knew that I was still good because I could sing. I had something beautiful to offer to the world. So no matter what I was fighting in my head, my heart, on the therapist's couch... I knew that there was good inside me. I've healed from all those horrible hurts. I'm a whole and beautiful person. I don't need singing to define the good within me. Maybe that's what really changed. Now, I sing simply for the love of singing. I sing just for joy and happiness. I sing when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry. I just enjoy singing. I know my voice isn't as trained as it used to be. I know my knowledge of music isn't as strong as it used to be. I know my voice isn't as beautiful as it used to be. And, thankfully, I don't need it to be.

A Critical Eye

I hadn't planned on pouring my heart out this week but as I sat and tried to come up with something to blog about... and my thought process came about... yep, it's a heart pourer. I've become critical of how I look. I don't mean it in a necessarily negative way- which is odd since the word critical involves analysis and judgement by definition. I would say I'm more observational but that isn't right either because it's more than that. I look in the mirror and I seek out the changes in my body. I look in the mirror and I see how my clothes fit- or don't fit. Used to be, my glance in the mirror was to make sure my clothes didn't look too tight... to make sure that I didn't look like a sausage in that pair of pants. Now, I look to see how baggy the pants are and can I get away with wearing them and not look like a clown. Used to be I checked the mirror to make sure I had nothing in my teeth or just to give myself an encouraging smile. Now I see my face in the mirror and I'm trying to see what others say they see- that my face is slimmer and they can really see my weight loss "here" (under my chin). Still have a double chin so I wonder just how bad my chin was before? Or exactly how many chins I had? I am overdue on updating my Healthier Me page. I didn't take pics on June 1. I tried. I took a few and then a few more another day. But since my clothes are baggier, I don't feel like the change is noticable anymore. Since May 1, I've gone from 213 lb to 206 lb. There is some change, I'm sure. The other day, Christy and I had the gym all to ourselves and we stood and watched the mirror. She asked if I can see the changes in my body. Yes, I can. And... no, I can't. When I just look at myself in the mirror, it's still just me looking back. But sometimes, as I pass by, I catch an angle out of the corner of my eye that makes me stop and stare. I'm sure it looks like I'm admiring myself- the picture of vanity. But I'm not. I'm trying to remember how my hip looked before, what the rounder curve of my leg was like before. I'm also noticing that I catch the imperfections more than I used to. I used to glance in the mirror, knowing I was fat and knowing what that fat looked like. No need to focus on it- I was fat and I accepted it. Now, I'm still overweight, for sure. But I've also lost a lot of weight, for sure. And that means my body is changing. I look in the mirror and see that chin, see the pudge of my belly, see the thickness of my thighs and I am aware of what I've done to myself over the last decade. I'm aware of the choices I've made. I know the past choices don't matter because it's the choices I am making now that are my focus and my motivation and are getting me healthier and healthier. I still love myself and marvel at myself and admire the things my body can do. This isn't something that's chipping away at my self esteem or anything. But it does leave me feeling... sad? frustrated? insightful? It's something I don't want to touch on too deeply because I do feel the urge to cry sometimes. I think that's a mourning of my past self and those choices I had been making. Maybe some regret about the hard work I have to do now to make up for it. Maybe some frustration at the path ahead of me to get me to wherever it is I want to end up... (completely running that 5K on Saturday would be a nice start but we'll see). I'm still focused primarily on what my body can DO versus how my body LOOKS. I can run. I can run for exercise. I can run from the register to the back of Target and back without being winded or having to stop and walk. But sometimes... those little accomplishments seem to slip away from my mind because I get distracted by the mirror and what I do or don't see in it.