But There Isn't Anything Else

I thought about blog topics a lot today.  I kept debating about what I should write about... I felt like there was some deep stuff  to share but at the same time... maybe it's better to stick to something fluffier.

Real life is scary right now.

First I have to say that I admire the women who are stepping up and taking the lead on being connected to Amanda.  Kristina, Cindi, and Megan are keeping our mom community informed and keeping us connected to Amanda and her needs as she faces the second hardest day of her life this Friday when she has to bury her little boy. 

Amanda is someone I've only met once before, I think.  We agree on a lot of topics online and that may be where any bond we have to one another lies- we've known each other online for several years.  Amanda isn't a "friend" of mine but she is part of the group of moms that I care about deeply.

When someone connected to us experiences a tragedy, it impacts us in a personal way.  There is, of course, our concern and caring and compassion for that person, that family, that circumstance.

But there is another side.  Our own individual human reaction to hearing of the tragedy someone else experiences means coming close to the fears we carry with us all the time.

I remember when I first felt this new level of intense fear that I'd never known before- even in all the hard times I'd survived in my life.  We were in the hospital, Teagan was just a day or two old.  We were faced with bringing her home and I realized I wouldn't have a nurses' call button at home.  I wouldn't have immediate help and answers and experienced hands to step in and help.  And when I felt that helplessness, I suddenly dipped my toe into this ocean of fear that I had never known before. 

Every single horrible thing that could possibly happen to my child in her entire life lives in that ocean. 

And when tragedy happens to someone else, I'm reminded of that ocean of fear that can bubble so close to the surface. 

It's so hard to remember that life continues to roll on when someone else's life is suspended in this terrible cloud of tragedy.  I scroll through status updates on Facebook and am reminded to count my blessings because someone else tragedy reminds me of how many blessings I have in my life and that I can overlook the little things that annoy or concern or even anger me.

My friend Ashli's husband, Jeremy, gave the sermon at church this past Sunday.  One thing he said that stayed with me was along the lines of- "When I allowed myself to let go of anger, I found peace."

At home, Zach is fighting a bug - Amanda's son died from a virus.  Every cough, every snore, every mumble and moan has me on edge.  Zach has come to our bed every night this week.  While he hogs the bed, pillows, and blankets leaving Jeff and I shivering on the edges of the mattress... I don't mind one little bit and find great comfort in having him close by.  I've even thought of sleeping on the floor in their bedroom just to stay close to both of them.

At work, I'm having a hard time with my priorities.  My heart is with my kids and my husband.  My mind is focused on those who are hurting from this loss.  I don't have the focus available to match what the people above me find to be so important.  How can I worry about safety glasses when someone I've been connected to for years is about to bury her son, is fearing that her other baby has the same virus that took his life, and is trying to help her oldest child feel special as she celebrates a birthday? 

What Amanda is going through reminds me of the pain of loss that so many others have gone through- Hallie, Lynn, Angie, Satch, Tim and even me. 

It's easy to get pulled down into the darkness, the anger, the fear, the sadness.

So I pray.  And I sing.  And I seek support from others and I offer support to others.  I sing to my kids, I hug them tighter, I find kind words for others, I love my husband.  I thank God for what I have in this moment, at this time, right now.

Because truly- it is all that any of us have.

Loss

Sunday was a difficult day.

It started out as a normal day.  As we had been Friday and Saturday, we were paying attention to the news to see coverage of the tornado damage inflicted on our state and neighboring states.  We were touched by the story of the baby girl found in a field, all alone, near her home.  We were touched more deeply when we heard that all other members of her family had been killed and she was in critical condition.  And we, as a family, were saddened to hear of her passing.

I had a moment to check Facebook and saw sad news from a friend.  Her family had rescued a dog from an abandoned house a few months ago.  Initial vet visit indicated that Bailey had heartworms.  Treatment began and was difficult and the stress on my friend was enormous.  Yesterday, Bailey went to the Rainbow Bridge.

But the biggest loss of all is one that I am really struggling to wrap my brain and my heart around.

I've mentioned the local online mom group that I have been part of for the past 5 years or so.  Through that group, I've seen and been part of some amazing things, some dramatic things, some fun things.  I've made some wonderful friends and connected with women who are compassionate, passionate, and determined to be the best moms they can be.

We've experienced loss together as a group.  We have moms in our group who have lost children, spouses, parents.

Yesterday, in a terribly unexpected way, one of our moms lost her most precious little boy.  You can read her sharing about it on her blog- Our Crazy House.  I'd encourage you to leave some words of support if you feel called to do so- I think this family needs as much love as possible right now.

Her family had been enduring and fighting a virus- just like so many of us at this time of year.  Her little boy- due to turn 4 in April- had gone to bed with his cold symptoms on Saturday night.  She checked on him Sunday morning and he was sleeping.  She checked again later in the morning- and he was unresponsive.

As I lay in bed last night, my head and heart couldn't stop thinking about what that moment must have been like for her.  I couldn't stop wondering about the day and how it felt and how she would be able to get through that horrible day and have to face the next one.

Her name is Amanda, her son- Elias.  Elias leaves behind 2 little brothers and an older sister.

So much loss in a short period of time.  From faraway places that don't directly impact me... to close by friends losing a pet they tried so hard to save... to what I imagine to be the hardest loss of all.

Count your blessings, check your priorities, and please send prayers, meditations, warm thoughts or anything else you have in the direction of those suffering loss right now.

The Visible Woman

There is a lot that I took away from the Women of Faith event I attended on Friday and Saturday.  I am eager to share it and also to record it so I can remember the things that touched my heart.

- Make sure you have monkeys in your cage.

- Don't forget to prune.

- The Shepherd knows where to find me.

- It is well with my soul.

- Emotional release can be physically draining.

Women of Faith is a big gathering of women from a variety of Christian faiths who come together to be renewed and strengthened.  Yes, there is crying.  And lots of laughter.  And there's hugging and eating and bonding and late night talking, too.

The conference itself is set up like a big concert- there is a stage set up in the middle of the space and giant screens at the top of the stage so you feel like you are face to face no matter how far away you are.  There are speakers- not boring stand at a podium and lecture speakers.  These are storytellers.  They share parts of themselves, their life experience, their life stories and how God impacts, saves, lifts, and carries them. 

One woman, Nicole Johnson, is well known for her dramatic presentation.  She is an actress and writes her own monologues for Women of Faith.  This year, she also shared her own personal story. 

One of the monologues she presented is called "The Invisible Woman."  I've shared a YouTube video of it below.



It's a powerful piece that I know many women connect with.  I've heard many of my mom friends talk about feeling invisible, feeling like they lose themselves, feeling like they aren't seen or heard.

I think I have the opposite problem.

As I sat and listened to Nicole's monologue, I felt disconnected from it.  I appreciated it because of the feelings I've heard others express.  But she wasn't telling my story so I didn't feel the words ringing with me in a deep way. 

I feel like I'm the Visible Woman.  And I think this is where a lot of my stress and frustration has been stemming from.

I'm not going to do the "you don't know how stressful it is to be popular!" thing.  I've always hated to hear that.  "You don't know how hard it is to be this pretty, this smart, to have this many friends." 

But at the same time, I'm realizing that it's true.

The more attention you get, the more pressure there is to keep giving what you've become known for. 

When I am living my life authentically for God, it all comes naturally.  I can focus on the things in front of me, I can carry the burdens of others, I can balance work and home and fun and commitments, I can make my kids feel special, my husband feel important, and my friends and family feel appreciated.  I can take on any extra porjects thrown my way at work, I can agree to doing this one special favor for this friend or that, I can be present and available and real with my blogging.

Lately, I've been wishing I could be a little bit more invisible.  I've been wanting to be seen less, heard less.  I've been wanting others to notice me less. 

I've worked hard for years to be good at what I do at work.  And now I'm facing the biggest challenges of my career thus far.  Making it through this season, which doesn't yet seem to have an end in sight, might mean a lot of great things.  But I'm questioning my ability to make it through this season with this workload, these expectations, these requirements. 

I've lived my life to be available to others.  I know that I've suffered greatly in the past and could easily lean on the excuses of my past breaking me, damaging me.  But the truth is that I am completely whole and strong and healthy and because I've known some intense and awful hardships, I know how much I can carry, how deep I can go for my friends.  When someone is facing intense personal struggle, I know I can be there in a unique way.

I expose myself pretty openly on my blog.  I write from my heart, passionately.  I have no clear niche- I just write what I feel.  I don't write with a purpose or intent.  I have no goals or expectations.  And in being open and honest and sometimes raw and deep, I've been honored to be part of being a special and positive impact on the lives of people I've never met. 

At home, I'm often looked to as the decision maker, the planner, the fixer, the one to ask, the one who knows.  Jeff is a partner in our family- don't misunderstand me.  I generally feel like I'm the one filling out all the forms, I'm the one managing the calendar, I'm the one stating what needs to be done and when. 

I'm pretty highly Visible.

When I am living fully and authentically in my faith, those things all balance pretty easily.

Things have gotten thrown out of balance lately and I don't thin kmy response to it has been the right one.

I have turned to God, but I'm now realizing I've done so with my own limitations.

"God, Help me through this added stress at work.  Help me to accept the demands and expectations and requests with grace and strength.  Help me to keep my family a priority.  I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel so please just get me through to the end, help me get to the goal."

See, I decided what the end was for the new job function.  I decided that there needed to be a point where the stress would stop.  I was looking to the future I had decided on.

And once I did that at work, I started doing it in other places, too.  I was asked to help with something and instead of just praying for guidance in how I could best serve Him as I helped others, I focused on what I was asked to do.  I got caught up in the start of first grade and my conversations with God were about my feelings of anxiety and my concerns for Teagan's adjustment, but I never turned that stuff over to Him and never prayed for strength and never decided to just trust Him.

I've been feeling incredibly Visible and Raw and Ragged and Exposed lately. 

Listening to this monologue made me realize that I was longing to feel Invisible.

And that was a red flag.  No one should be feeling like they want to be invisible when so many are wishing someone would just notice them, hear them, see them.  I knew I needed to find balance instead of dreaming of extremes.

I don't have it figured out yet.  But I at least know what I need to work on going forward.  I can't continue to live like I have for the past 4 months.  I just can't. 

I don't necessarily want to change anything with my current circumstances.

I just need to make sure I am focused in the right direction. 

Parenthood. It Can Kinda Suck.

When I became a mom, I discovered this deep and untouchable place of love that grew from deep inside of me that I never knew existed. I was head over heels in love with my daughter in a way that I didn't know another person could love. It was this huge mish mash of love, joy, protection, fear, doubt, happiness... and so much more that isn't describable with simple words.

For more than 2 years, I bathed in this emotional sensory overload every day. I wept when I left my daughter at daycare. I fretted about the stress that adding a second baby would add to her life as she knew it. I worried about her safety. I delighted in her smiles, her laughs, how she experienced the world.

When Zach was born, the love connection was not instant. His labor was much more difficult. But I bonded with him quickly after the birth experience was complete and when he and I would spend quiet days at home... I felt that deep pool of emotion washing over him as well.

I never expected that the depth of love that I could feel for my children... especially for my daughter... included such anger towards my child. Before having kids, I was one of those people that was known for being great with kids. My entire life, I've worked with kids (or been one). I've worked with kids who are damaged, hurting, diagnosed and labeled. I've worked with kids of privilege. I've worked with theatre kids and church kids. I've worked with infants and youngsters and toddlers and teens. I was known for my patience, my creativity, my responsibility. I don't know where those traits went once I had my own children. Perhaps I've never recovered from Teagan's infancy. Hours on end of crying and pacing and dancing. The breastfeeding struggles and the feeling of being so lost because there were times that neither Jeff nor I could ever possibly calm her down. Exhaustion took on a new definition.

We are coming head to head with struggles that have been building for a while now. As Teagan gets older, she's becoming more and more headstrong. And the attitude... the stubbornness... the smirk... the maniacal laughter when she just doesn't care. Jeff and I both make efforts- good ones. We attempt to be calm, to be reasonable. We use everything we know. And sometimes, it just doesn't matter. The screaming and crying and howling don't stop. She is obstinate. Stubborn. Demanding of attention. Seeking to cause havoc. Unwilling to follow direction. She asks, she pleads, she demands, she does what she wants to do anyway. She gets in trouble and the screaming and melting down begin.

I hate that there are days that I seriously want to run away from home. I hate that there are times that I have to walk away from her because I so badly want to smack her. I hate that I can feel so frustrated and so angry with this little girl.

Most of all, I think and ponder about what it all means. Is this normal on her part? Do all 5 year olds challenge and fight and push the way she does? Or... Am I a failure as a parent? How is it possible that I could completely handle behaviors and attitudes far worse than my own daughter's without batting an eyelash but my kids refusing to cooperate, refusing to be polite, refusing to listen... well, that can turn me into a twisted up ball of blechiness. I forget my head, lose my cool, get fed up and frustrated and want to just quit.

Today was a hard day. Today was a roller coaster. She was either awesome or awful and there wasn't much gray area in between. We had a big falling out at the end of the day. Huge. And once the calm down happened and she was in the bath and back to being awesome, we had a discussion about how bedtime would go so we could avoid the melting down. She came up with her own consequence if bedtime was a failure. She decided that if she got out of bed, yelled for us, cried, yelled, screamed, or whined... no TV in the morning. If she continued, we should come in her room and take away things of hers that she would then have to earn back by doing special chores or having great bedtimes. And bedtime was peaceful.

So what's the next step? Is she telling me that she needs clearly explained rules and consequences? Do I need to make a list of what the house rules are that I can clearly point to when one is broken? Do I include her in the list of consequences for breaking house rules? I don't know. I'm at a loss. I long for the days when I could just hold her through my frustration, cuddle and snuggle her and hold her close to me while singing in her ear and dancing her around the living... when a tight swaddle and feeding at my breast was all that was needed to get through the crisis.

I fear what the future holds. I fear that my perceived failures will become her eating disorder, his drug use, her abusive boyfriend, his dropping out of school. I fear what tomorrow holds- more screaming and yelling and crying and frustration and tears and fighting. I fear my failure. I fear my reactions to this little whirlwind of ups and downs and twists and turns. I fear when this starts to come from Zach. I fear that I will fail him the same way I am failing Teagan.

Sometimes, parenting is the most awesome and fun job. We get to do such cool things and be part of such an amazing experience.

But sometimes, it really sucks. Really, really. Sucks.

EDITED TO ADD: Thank you for all the great comments so far. I can't tell you how much I appreciate having this place to come and share my open and honest feelings and thoughts and get feedback from experienced and wise people. Jeff and I have been talking about what to do next. Teagan seems to really thrive on very clear and set boundaries and rules and having things in a certain order. I think it gives her a sense of control over her environment- it gives her the chance to really feel like she is the boss. I think having written rules of the house- that we will engage the kids in to create- will give her tangible limits that she can claim ownership of.

But keep the ideas and positive reinforcement coming. The best moment of my day yesterday was the validation that I got from my mom when she witnessed a minor incident with Teagan that Jeff and I had to tag team to manage... and she recalled the same feelings of frustration and anger and losing her temper with my brothers. Given that I think my brothers have turned out really, really well, it gives me hope to know that my mom felt the same things I feel when dealing with my kids. I also know that more is coming. Zach is starting to throw his own fits but, so far, he is easily distracted or calmed or just takes the "No" without much protesting.

Not the Saturday I'd Hoped For

By the time you read this, chances are excellent that I am in a much more uplifted state of mind. I'm usually pretty good about lifting up out of a funk or relieving stress. My day started with a run. That's usually a great thing. I decided that I wanted to challenge myself a little, to push to through the next hurdle. So I got online and looked up the map for my upcoming 5K. My plan was to follow that map. Apparently, my sense of direction- or my memory- is a little off. This is the route. The red dot shows where I first turned the wrong way. The red line shows part of my extra route. This is an end of my neighborhood that I never go through so it's unfamiliar to me.

I barely made it past a mile when I took my first walking interval. I don't know for certain what went wrong. I have theories. I wasn't hydrated. I hadn't eaten anything. The air was soupy with humidity so I know my breathing was off. I can usually get to 2 miles before I have to stop and walk to recover a bit and then I push to run and walk as needed.

This is the extra route I took. About 1.5 miles. My 3.1 intention turned into a 4.5 torture. The air was thick and muggy- did I mention that? I was running and walking intervals. I was sweating and I knew I'd gone the wrong way. I got around the park (that big circle) and realized my sneakers were rubbing sore spots on my feet. I couldn't risk blisters 2 weeks before the 5K so I took my shoes off and walked home barefoot. Tried running barefoot since I'd seen others do it and since Christy has been learning a lot about minimalist running lately.

As I turned onto our street, exhausted, sweaty, hot, miserable- I saw something great and awful. Jeff had realized that I'd been gone far too long and had packed the kids into the car and gone out to find me (great). I saw him pull off our street at the other end (awful). I staggered home and called him and then collapsed on the floor.

Got showered and headed back out. I needed to stop by the Farmer's Market for some cooking oils I'd noticed last week. Then it was off to Teagan's last soccer game- without Teagan. Teagan came home from school on Wednesday with a fever of 101. I stayed home Thursday, Jeff stayed home Friday. Friday afternoon, the fever broke but the sore throat was still present. I went to soccer to pick up Teagan's first trophy. Brought home burgers and grapes and tomatoes so we could have our own little cookout to celebrate. Hard to celebrate when she didn't feel much like eating.

I hadn't intended to take her to the doctor. I'd gotten an e-mail from the school's director on Friday evening stating that many kids were out Thurs-Fri with fevers and 3 of them now had confirmed cases of strep. But since Teagan's fever had broken and her appetite was generally still healthy and she was drinking plenty of fluids... I didn't think she needed to go to the doctor.

Then the fever came back. 101 again. So off she and I went to "Immediate Care." She and I waited for 45 minutes in the waiting room. Thankfully, there's a TV and we also brought a stuffed animal, blanket, and a small stack of books. Finally get called back and do check in with the nurse and into a room. Then we wait another long timfore we see the doctor. They confirm that it's strep throat and give us a scrip for the pink stuff (amoxicillin). 2 hours after walking in the door, we head home.

At this point, my Saturday has been no fun at all. It's been relatively stressful, in fact.

I take Teagan home and drop her off with Jeff and head to Target to get the scrip filled. And I realized that a little retail / caffeine therapy was needed. Our Target has a Starbucks in it and Mocha Lite Frappucino seemed to be calling my name... and at only 150 calories, I didn't mind the indulgence! I was reminded of fellow blogger C. Beth's recent post about her own Starbucks therapy. Amazing what a little icy caffeine can do for the soul!

Enjoyed a little retail therapy, too. Bought book #9 in the Sookie Stackhouse series. Bought the last Jennifer Weiner book that finally came out in paperback. Bought some running/gym shorts. Bought some yummy smelling shower gel. Found some great clearance deals on items ideal for the local food pantry (peanut butter and a toothpaste / tooth brush combo pack). Then came home and realized my husband needed a break from the stress of home, too. He wanted to go to the roller derby, of all things. His friend is the announcer. Watching women beat the heck out of each other while on roller skates can certainly provide some stress relief, I suppose!

Ordered in pizza for dinner, had a glass of wine, put the kids to bed and enjoyed having the house to myself for a bit.

A stressful day that didn't go as planned at all. There was no plan, actually. But we do try to get out and about as a family on a Saturday and enjoy each other's company and spend time together. So a little disappointed that the weekend has to, instead, be focused on illness and being shut in. But Jeff and I are taking turns getting out of the house. If you read this on Sunday morning, I'll be at church, singing with music team and that will definitely up my spirits. If you read this Sunday afternoon, I might be at Trader Joe's with Zach or maybe Jeff took him to Fry's (electronics).

No matter... we're getting through the weekend. And you know what?

We're doing it together, as a family.

From Temper to Hugs

I have a temper. And I need to come to terms with it. I’m not usually quick to anger. I can handle most stress pretty well, I think. There are certainly situations that push my buttons- but it usually takes repetitive action or purposeful bad choices for me to get angry. But I’ve noticed something that I am not proud of. I’m quick and easy to get angry with my family. The people I love the most. My husband, my daughter, and even my baby boy. I feel like, more and more, my home is feeling less like a happy place. It seems that there is always conflict. If I’m having fun with Teagan, Jeff is cranky. If Jeff and I are getting along well, Teagan is having meltdowns. Zach tends to stay out of the odd cycles so far- but he has his normal almost-2-year-old moments. I tell myself I’m going to choose loving responses. I tell myself I’m going to use the tools I’ve learned in various books. I tell myself I’m going to be the type of parent I aim to be. I pray about it. A lot. And I struggle. Lately, it seems, more than usual. I find that I can get myself into the right mood. I will be looking forward to coming home to my family. I look forward to getting Teagan from school, for the car ride home with her. I look forward to coming home from church to Jeff and Zach. I’m calm, and filled with love, and eager for good times. And I walk in the door and am met with whininess or negativity or complaints or demands. I buckle Teagan into her carseat and she morphs from the sweet, eager to please schoolgirl to the whiney, demanding, crying daughter. I doubt and question myself. Am I putting something out there that is causing my family to believe this is what is expected? That this is what works? Or is our family so secure that we all feel like home and family is the safe place to let out the negative emotions and stress? So my struggle, my goal. My struggle is to fight the immediate fall into the stressed out Mommy place. My goal is to be less emotionally charged and way less of a fly-off-the-handle yeller. I want to be proactive and less reactive. My first step… I finished reading Rage Against the Meshugenah last night and instead of tackling one of those books on my To Be Read Shelf, I’m going back to the basics. I’m going to re-read The 10 Commitments by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller. I’m going back to the work I did on this blog to cover The Only 3 Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need. I’m not saying I’m a horrible mom. I know that I am doing a good job. We are in a low point right now. Teagan’s hit a growth spurt. Zach is teething. Jeff has a shoulder injury causing almost constant pain. Those are all hard things to deal with. I don’t have any major complaints right now- aside from feeling thinned out by the unspoken demands to be the caretaker for all 3 of my loved ones and also feeling that I’m failing in that role. I know other homes are far worse off than ours. I know other married couples who fight constantly or have really nasty battles in front of their kids. I know spankers and abusers and belittlers are out there. I know my kids know they are loved- even when I’m angry. I can see that there isn’t something broken inside of them. But I also want to make sure we don’t get to that point. I want to do my best to teach Teagan & Zach better ways of handling stress and bad moods. Better ways to respond. From time to time, I wonder if I don’t need to “talk to someone.” From time to time, I wonder if my temper isn’t normal or is somehow tied to my childhood and maybe I have some residual anger issues I haven’t cleared out. Or maybe the fears of my childhood are bubbling closer to the surface- the things that hurt me and my fears over those things ever impacting my children. Or maybe I’m just stretched thin. Maybe it’s just harder than we (parents, adults) are “allowed” to admit. Maybe working full time, the new daycare and school routine, the everyday life things, the involvement levels, the dance classes, the church involvement… Maybe it’s just regular, everyday stress that is building and building. And if that’s the case- how do I step back and fix it? First thing- and I will make sure Jeff reads this- we have to get our house organized. I don’t mean it has to be “clean.” But we have to make a commitment, together, to pick up around the house very evening. If we both do 15 minutes of housework right after we put the kids to bed, we will get a lot done. Picking up the living room, doing dishes, picking up the kitchen. If those main living spaces can feel less crowded than they do right now, that will help everyone involved. Second thing- Self discipline. I have to take the advice I am constantly giving my daughter and am starting to work into my son. Choice, choose, decide, pick. I decide how I am going to respond. And, again, I need Jeff in on this one. When I’m being Cranky Mommy… if I can’t hear it myself or can’t stop myself, I want Jeff to intervene. With a key word. So I can stop myself. I want a key word in my head. Because I hear myself and I know the way I am acting. I know when I am being snippy or naggy. I know when I am fueling the fire. And I need to be more mindful of the choices I am making. Third- It needs to be all of us. Daddy, Teagan, and Mommy all have to be in on this positivity thing. Especially Daddy. I need Jeff’s support on this and I need him to be making the same efforts. I am amazed at how much my mood and my choices are influenced by his mood and his choices. Doesn’t make me right or wrong- it’s an observation. But when he appears to be unhappy or glum or dissatisfied… it completely throws me off. So it needs to be both of us, working together. One major thing that will help- and this is what changed the tide yesterday- is more hugs. We got home and we were all still snippy and snappy and mad. Kids go down for naps, I got a short nap, Jeff got a little nap… and he and I still needed to make up. He came over and said “Hug me.” And we hugged each other and were then able to talk about what had happened that afternoon. Hugging. Gotta do more of it. Ah ha! The key word! The key word is an action! Hugs. When I hear Jeff being negative… when he hears me being negative… we can, together, change the tide by hugging. And I know full well that there will be times that I will tell him I don’t want to or I don’t need it… but that’s all the more reason to stop and hug, isn’t it? To stop, be held, to hold, to breathe deeply, and to feel not so alone. While yesterday was a rough day and while yesterday is what originally inspired this outpouring of stress… this has been coming for a long time. Well, weeks anyway. I feel like I sound a bit like a broken record because I know I’ve been down this path before. And I know that other people have these stressful times. And I know lots of people make efforts to fight through it. So why am I doing this again? We went to the Fair again yesterday- the entire family. Had a great time until things started to unravel and it got uglier and uglier and I got pretty nasty and it just wasn’t a good day. But we got home and took naps and had dinner and hugged and things started getting better. We had an assignment for Teagan’s school. Last week and this week is “All About Me” as the kids get to know each other and figure out ways to share themselves with their classmates. Teagan’s assignment for today was to bring in a family photo. Would you believe that we don’t have a single family picture with all 4 of us in it? So yesterday evening, after a rotten trip to the Fair, a lot of fighting and general yuckiness, we whipped out the camera, set up the tripod, and took 3 pictures out on the deck, hoping to get something for Teagan to take to school. I had been in my pj’s and just threw on a t-shirt. My hair had been in little half ponytails the whole day so I had to whip my hair around, my kids were looking like little ruffians with various stains and dirty faces and mussed hair. My husband was in pain and was exhausted and was recovering from being beaten down by his wife. And yet, because we haven’t broken, because we fight through it, because we work together to seek out solutions… we came up with this. Amen.

Six Degrees of Scope-eration

So I'm following in the footsteps of great bloggers before me... Mrs4444 and Scope, specifically. Scope started this little connectivity experiment, Mrs4444 has participated, and now I'm going to as well. Just because it sounds like fun! Here's the premise. Start with your own list of followers. Determine a method of choosing your list. Scope used a random number generator, even. Or just pick a name you don't know- like Mrs4444 used. But come up with a method. Go to your followers, apply your method, go to that blog. Peruse it, enjoy it. Then go to their list of followers (hopefully they have one) and apply your selected method and go check out another blog. Do this 6 times... or more... until you find a list that has a follower on it that is also on your list- they follow you OR you follow them. Or something like that. Bottom line is to discover those internet branches that reach out and across and around and such. So... here I go! I decided to start with Morninglight Mama. I selected her by going to my Followers list, clicking the "next" button 3 times and she was at the top of that 4th page! I was happy to pop over to peruse- I follow her blog, she follows mine. She is a mom of adorable kids and lives kinda near DC and we hold similar political and social views. She's a really neat person! Then I clicked on her list of followers, clicked once, and the person at the top of the page was Melissa. She has 7 blogs. I don't have a rule for this! Her blogs seem to mostly be about books. And are authored by large masses of people. So I picked one at random- something that would be of interest, hopefully, to me. I went to Book Nut- where she, alone, reviews books. Oh- and she's doing a giveaway of a book called Matrimony- so definitely swing by there! You only have until midnight tonight! Roadblock. No list of followers on Melissa's blog. Plan B... use her blogroll! I'll have to do a random number generator for this one... 65 blogs listed on her blogroll. Random.org selected 36 for me. Hm. Took me to an empty blog. Try again... 65. So I popped over to Wizards Wireless. Tagline grabs me right away- "Children's books, comic strips, and Harry Potter." Yeah! This one is an AMAZING resource. I've talked about my own love of books on this blog and about my memories of books of my childhood. This blog is going to be a great resource and I'm totally adding it to the blogs I follow so that I can go spend some serious time there. Again- no list of followers. Back to the blogroll and random.org number generator. 19. This took me to Book Niche. First of all- no followers. Blogroll, thankfully. But another resource to turn to for books- I've got a serious list going based on reading all these book blogs! At this point, I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed. I've been to 4 blogs, all are book blogs and apparently these hardcore book types (read: librarians) don't do anything but read other book blogs!! I love to read but feel very trapped! Anyway. Book Niche took me to Bookmoot. No followers, overwhelming bloglists, divided into categories. I find the "other reading" blog list and decide to randomize there. Blogmoot looks like a very nice blog... but it's just going to add more titles to my hugely long "I want to read" list! And now I'm scared. I've wandered into territory that I don't like... A very intelligent blogger named Norma. Who has many blogs. And holds many different viewpoints from me. So I'm not inclined to hang out for very long. No followers, either. This lady even has a blog just dedicated to the topic of illegal immigrants. And she's not exactly seeking out any peaceful solutions, either... People! Get with the following program, please!! :) This would be so much easier! OK. Again, many different bloglists. I'm totally going to cheat and try to find a Blogger blog with a fun sounding title. Whew! I found a farmhouse mama, a list of followers... I feel better already! April Showers. She's funny! I'm enjoying myself! Whew!! And she has 120 Followers so I can get back to those rules!! I decided to stick with the fun random number generator and select Follower #53. life's little adventures Renovating an old farmhouse, homeschooling mom to 6 kids. I'm starting to see familiar titles in the blogroll- Pioneer Woman, A Year of Crockpotting. Feeling more comfortable. Cute kid pics! And this old farmhouse is gorgeous. And recipes! Here we go! Only 4 followers (seriously go check her out cuz she seems to need more regular readers!). I decide to skip the randomizer and just go with the first one. Moments of Mine Really cool nature photography. Lots of birds and snow pics and deer and such. Very tranquil. If you don't like snakes, though... don't scroll too far down the page. :) 9 blogs so far. Discovering some cool things. Not feeling good that I will ever find someone I know. Moments of Mine had 4 followers so I opted to go opposite what I had done before and pick the last follower. Cool first post on the page about really old books. But she only has a total of 4 blog posts, like, ever. So I skip ahead to the blog list. Using the randomizer... AGAIN... I end up at... Life Through My Eyes And I realize that I'd been there before. He'd been a Blog of Note once before and I remember him because he talks about growing up in a little town (now more like a bustling suburb) that is very close to where I live. So does that count as my Degrees and my connectedness? I'm not feeling it. So I'll play one more time. He has a list of followers (385- being a BLOG OF NOTE gains you some SERIOUS traffic). I'm gonna scan through his follower list. Because I know that with such a huge list, there has to be someone I'm connected to! I'm searching... searching... fearing that I will have to continue on my journey... fearing the use of the randomizer on a list of 385 people and scared of where it would take me... realizing that this task could just go on and on and on forever. Holy crap. 385 followers and I know NONE of them. I contemplate continuing on my journey... randomly selecting one of these followers... but... I'm done. I'm spent. I far prefer to just stay within my cozy little bloggy bubble. I was happy to go out and explore. I enjoyed seeing some familiar titles. But I had really hoped that I'd happen upon some totally new-to-me blog and discover Tangobaby or CASA HICE or Joanie or Bitchin' Wives or Braja or Clark Kent or Irish Gumbo or even Puntabulous or someone that I felt like I really "knew." So I'm uber-thankful now for my regular readers, my followers, my comment leaving crew. I'm feeling the need for some serious readership love... and pledge to go make comments on blogs today, too. Just so you all know how much I love you. Because the blogosphere can be a scary, scary, overwhelming place. I'm going to go make a fresh cup of hot tea- I'm thinking chamomile to calm my bloggy nerves. Maybe toss on my sweater for the sake of comfort. Maybe find some chocolate. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My Parenting Passion

It's time for the truth to come out. There is something you need to know about me and my family. I am an Attachment Parent. *gasp* I am not 100% crunchy but I very strongly believe in the Principles of AP, as detailed by API (Attachment Parenting International). I breastfeed my babies and follow their lead when it comes to weaning. I believe in "wearing" my babies as it suits them. I do not believe in spanking or use of humilation or force as a discipline tool. I believe in the power of my words. I believe in my child's ability to reason, to be responsible, to make choices. I am focused on raising children who will be kind, compassionate, and self-responsible. I believe in responding to my infant, to my baby, to my child. I believe that a baby's cries have meaning and my responsibility is to find out what they mean and act on it. I watched Oprah yesterday. The show focused on moms who are overwhelmed and make bad, sometimes fatal, decisions in this overwhelmed and unfocused state of mind. The main hook of the show was the Cincinnati mother who left her 2 year old strapped into the minivan all day on the first day back to school. Fatal consequences. My heart is broken for this mother, the father, the sister, the baby. My mind was racing to cover the heartbreak as well as the suffering. Dark corners were opening up as I couldn't stop myself from imagining what that day would have been like for that baby. And what was most heartbreaking to me... and what is causing me to choke up now... is that the baby probably cried for her mama and couldn't understand why mama wasn't coming to help her, to make it better. And there is the angry and selfish place. The part of me that doesn't understand why parents don't put their children first. I don't believe that you have to stay at home in order to put your children first. I, of course, say that because I am a working mom. I would prefer to be home with my children but it isn't an option for our family. People ask what I do for fun and my answer is to spend time with my kids. I took a sabbatical from previous hobbies and passions (movies, theatre, out with friends) when I chose to have a family. Not that I won't ever go back to those things and not that I won't find a way to share those things with my kids... but life changes and I'm pretty flexible and I know those things will still be there when my time is more available. My children are my number one priority. I hear stories of moms being overtired or frustrated and I can understand that feeling but I can't wrap my mind around not being in a place to keep your children's well being in the forefront of all that you do. I'm not judging, don't misunderstand. I'm not sure what I'm doing, really. Just processing, I think. One message of the show was that you have to put your priorities in order. If you are trying to do everything and be everything, you will fail. I welcome anyone to come to my house and you will easily see my priorities. My house is messy. My clean laundry is piled up in my bedroom and there is usually a full hamper of dirty clothes in the hallway. My dishes are in the sink or dishwasher. Everything is always in a state of needing to be done. And where am I in the mess? With my kids. Reading to them, playing with them, or just being close by and watching and learning. It's the people in life that are the priority. Not the condition of the home (within reason), not my job or career, not how much volunteer work I do, not the kind of car I drive, not getting "me" time in the form of drinking or pampering or shopping on a regular basis. What is most important to me and what I strive to keep as my constant focus is a little girl named Teagan, a little boy named Zach, a grown man named Jeff, and me. And everything else radiates from that point. Do I falter? Sure. No one is perfect. But by keeping on track, my priority remains an actual priority and not just an eventual goal. Oprah had a guest on by the name of Norman Fischer. He's described on the show as a well known Zen teacher. He said: "I think that the first thing we've got to do is recognize that especially as mothers, but all of us, our state of mind and our attitude is our most precious gift that we give to each other," he says. "Every day, we ought to wake up and we ought to say: 'How is my state of mind today? Am I losing ground?' If I am, I better address that first because the rest of the stuff I do won't be worth anything if I'm harried and hassled and in a bad mood." And from the description of the show: Though our society stresses the importance of being able to handle multiple tasks at one time, Norman says there is no such thing as multitasking. Instead, we switch from one task to another. This switching prevents us from being able to do one task with any intensity or commitment. "Whatever you are doing. Do it. Do it completely. Bring your whole attention to it," Norman says. "Be present in everything that you do." In order to help prepare yourself for each day, Norman recommends that you take time for yourself. "Take 20, 30 minutes. Get up before your kids early in the morning. Loss of sleep is worth it, if you can have 30 minutes absolute[ly] to yourself, to breathe, return to yourself, digest yesterday's emotions, take stock of yourself and set yourself up for the day," Norman says. "That amount of time saves you time throughout the day." Also important was the discussion on fathers... that the first person a mom should be able to turn to for help, balance, and so on is her partner, her husband. I am blessed and honored to have a husband that I can turn to when I am stressed out. He is fully involved in our family life and takes on household chores and parenting tasks and is committed to the same parenting principles as me. I also like the article Fischer wrote for September's O Magazine. So all of this rambling boils down to 1 thing. I know my priority and strive to live it in each moment. Do you know yours? Do you choose to live it?