Love

When I was in college, there was a classmate down the hall in my dorm who was known for being a pothead.  She and her boyfriend and her circle of friends were known for sneaking off into the woods and partaking.

I remember talking to her one night about why she chose to smoke as much as she seemed to smoke.  Her response was that she was hooked on the love.

She explained that she'd had this experience where she'd gotten stoned and was then talking to her mom and she could just see and feel so much love flowing from her mom and felt so much love flowing towards her mom that she knew she had to keep having that experience.

"I love love."  Those were her words.

What was sad to me was that the only way she could feel and experience that kind of love in herself and in her life was under the influence of a drug- that she couldn't see that by having that experience while stoned meant the experience was false.

But her words- "I love love" - still stay with me now.

It sounds corny, it sounds like some stoned hippy tenet, it sounds juvenile.

But it's absolutely true.

I love love.  I am passionate about love.  I am crazy about love.

This has been a really hard week.  I've written about the very unexpected death of a very young boy.  There's been a lot more going on- I've had many friends reaching out, needing prayers, needing support.  Friends who have children making dangerous choices, friends who are reeling from old wounds being reopened, friends who are the victims of others' hurtful words and choices, friends who are facing a difficult anniversary, friends who are facing the moving away of a best friend... there's just a lot of hurt happening for people that I care about right now.

My wish is that all of the people somehow connected to me who are experiencing pain, who are hurting, who are lacking hope, who are angry, who are acting out... would realize that they are loved, would feel and experience the love flowing into them.

I love love.  I love loving my kids, my husband, my family.  I love loving my friends, my close friends, my distant friends.  I had something of an "ah ha" moment about a year ago when I suddenly felt called to love someone that I would normally be angry with or dismiss due to differing viewpoints or might pity.  Since that moment, I have found myself more willing to hear the other side of someone's story.  I've been more aware of what is going on in someone's life that might be driving some of their anger.

I had a conversation with someone recently that showed me just how much there are still people who cling to their blinders- who don't want to see the world beyond the black and white definitions they have given it.  But I believe that love is the thing that will crack open the black and white and start to bleed in some color.  I believe that when someone is loved and experiences love in a deep and unexpected way, that is when their eyes become open to how much more life has to offer.

So to all my friends who have hurts and wounds and scars... whether I know about them or not... if you want to share with me or not... Please know that you are loved.  As much as I can, I am sending my love to you.  When I hug you, when I hold your hand, when I send you a message- those are acts of love.

I have felt for a long time that my purpose in this life is to love others.  I believe that God's greatest gift to us is this thing called love.  I believe that there are many people who have very limited definitions or experiences of what love really means.

Which is why it is so important for me to continue to proclaim that I love love. Love defies definition, as much as we may try.  Love is available for anyone and all people deserve it.  Love has so many levels and intricacies and specialties and meanings.  When I say "I love you" to my husband, it's the same but different from saying it to my kids, my mom, my brothers, my friends.   This kind of love is different than romantic love.  This love that I feel comes from a special place and I am fortunate to find myself overflowing with it.

I love love.

But There Isn't Anything Else

I thought about blog topics a lot today.  I kept debating about what I should write about... I felt like there was some deep stuff  to share but at the same time... maybe it's better to stick to something fluffier.

Real life is scary right now.

First I have to say that I admire the women who are stepping up and taking the lead on being connected to Amanda.  Kristina, Cindi, and Megan are keeping our mom community informed and keeping us connected to Amanda and her needs as she faces the second hardest day of her life this Friday when she has to bury her little boy. 

Amanda is someone I've only met once before, I think.  We agree on a lot of topics online and that may be where any bond we have to one another lies- we've known each other online for several years.  Amanda isn't a "friend" of mine but she is part of the group of moms that I care about deeply.

When someone connected to us experiences a tragedy, it impacts us in a personal way.  There is, of course, our concern and caring and compassion for that person, that family, that circumstance.

But there is another side.  Our own individual human reaction to hearing of the tragedy someone else experiences means coming close to the fears we carry with us all the time.

I remember when I first felt this new level of intense fear that I'd never known before- even in all the hard times I'd survived in my life.  We were in the hospital, Teagan was just a day or two old.  We were faced with bringing her home and I realized I wouldn't have a nurses' call button at home.  I wouldn't have immediate help and answers and experienced hands to step in and help.  And when I felt that helplessness, I suddenly dipped my toe into this ocean of fear that I had never known before. 

Every single horrible thing that could possibly happen to my child in her entire life lives in that ocean. 

And when tragedy happens to someone else, I'm reminded of that ocean of fear that can bubble so close to the surface. 

It's so hard to remember that life continues to roll on when someone else's life is suspended in this terrible cloud of tragedy.  I scroll through status updates on Facebook and am reminded to count my blessings because someone else tragedy reminds me of how many blessings I have in my life and that I can overlook the little things that annoy or concern or even anger me.

My friend Ashli's husband, Jeremy, gave the sermon at church this past Sunday.  One thing he said that stayed with me was along the lines of- "When I allowed myself to let go of anger, I found peace."

At home, Zach is fighting a bug - Amanda's son died from a virus.  Every cough, every snore, every mumble and moan has me on edge.  Zach has come to our bed every night this week.  While he hogs the bed, pillows, and blankets leaving Jeff and I shivering on the edges of the mattress... I don't mind one little bit and find great comfort in having him close by.  I've even thought of sleeping on the floor in their bedroom just to stay close to both of them.

At work, I'm having a hard time with my priorities.  My heart is with my kids and my husband.  My mind is focused on those who are hurting from this loss.  I don't have the focus available to match what the people above me find to be so important.  How can I worry about safety glasses when someone I've been connected to for years is about to bury her son, is fearing that her other baby has the same virus that took his life, and is trying to help her oldest child feel special as she celebrates a birthday? 

What Amanda is going through reminds me of the pain of loss that so many others have gone through- Hallie, Lynn, Angie, Satch, Tim and even me. 

It's easy to get pulled down into the darkness, the anger, the fear, the sadness.

So I pray.  And I sing.  And I seek support from others and I offer support to others.  I sing to my kids, I hug them tighter, I find kind words for others, I love my husband.  I thank God for what I have in this moment, at this time, right now.

Because truly- it is all that any of us have.

Loss

Sunday was a difficult day.

It started out as a normal day.  As we had been Friday and Saturday, we were paying attention to the news to see coverage of the tornado damage inflicted on our state and neighboring states.  We were touched by the story of the baby girl found in a field, all alone, near her home.  We were touched more deeply when we heard that all other members of her family had been killed and she was in critical condition.  And we, as a family, were saddened to hear of her passing.

I had a moment to check Facebook and saw sad news from a friend.  Her family had rescued a dog from an abandoned house a few months ago.  Initial vet visit indicated that Bailey had heartworms.  Treatment began and was difficult and the stress on my friend was enormous.  Yesterday, Bailey went to the Rainbow Bridge.

But the biggest loss of all is one that I am really struggling to wrap my brain and my heart around.

I've mentioned the local online mom group that I have been part of for the past 5 years or so.  Through that group, I've seen and been part of some amazing things, some dramatic things, some fun things.  I've made some wonderful friends and connected with women who are compassionate, passionate, and determined to be the best moms they can be.

We've experienced loss together as a group.  We have moms in our group who have lost children, spouses, parents.

Yesterday, in a terribly unexpected way, one of our moms lost her most precious little boy.  You can read her sharing about it on her blog- Our Crazy House.  I'd encourage you to leave some words of support if you feel called to do so- I think this family needs as much love as possible right now.

Her family had been enduring and fighting a virus- just like so many of us at this time of year.  Her little boy- due to turn 4 in April- had gone to bed with his cold symptoms on Saturday night.  She checked on him Sunday morning and he was sleeping.  She checked again later in the morning- and he was unresponsive.

As I lay in bed last night, my head and heart couldn't stop thinking about what that moment must have been like for her.  I couldn't stop wondering about the day and how it felt and how she would be able to get through that horrible day and have to face the next one.

Her name is Amanda, her son- Elias.  Elias leaves behind 2 little brothers and an older sister.

So much loss in a short period of time.  From faraway places that don't directly impact me... to close by friends losing a pet they tried so hard to save... to what I imagine to be the hardest loss of all.

Count your blessings, check your priorities, and please send prayers, meditations, warm thoughts or anything else you have in the direction of those suffering loss right now.

It's Been Far Too Long

Jeff and I met in 2001 when we were cast in a community theatre show together. Jeff and I got married in October, 2003. Jeff and I got pregnant in early 2004 and, sadly, suffered a miscarriage. Jeff and I got pregnant in the summer of 2004. Jeff and I had a baby girl in March of 2005. Jeff and I got pregnant in the winter of 2007. Jeff and I took Teagan to Grandma's house for an overnight in the summer of 2007 so we could have a night away as 2 adults before the new baby came. Jeff and I had a baby boy in October, 2007. We haven't had a night to ourselves since. I can literally count on my digits the number of times we've even had our own bed to ourselves for an entire night. We get an evening out for dinner from time to time. We make more of an effort for nights out together than we used to when we only had Teagan. We support each other having our individual nights out more, too. I've been away overnight on business once since Zach was born. That was a year ago. Almost 2 years ago, when Zach was still nursing, I fought against going on a business trip that wasn't a true necessity (and I won my fight). Jeff has taken a few weekends each year and a week each August. I want to reconnect with my husband. I want intimacy and lust and hand holding and snuggling and laughter and laughter and laughter and eye gazing and conversations and no interuptions from the back seat and no demands of what song to play and no questions about where we're going or what we're eating or if we can do whatever... I want my husband, all to myself. He wants me, all to himself. This weekend, I'm getting my wish. This weekend, he's getting his wish. Friday afternoon, the four of us are driving to Cincinnati. We are going to my family's house. We are going to have dinner and get the kids settled in. And then 2 of us are leaving. We are driving back to Indianapolis. We will stay here for 2 nights before heading back to Cincinnati on Father's Day for a family dinner and to pick up our kids. We might go to a movie, out to dinner, to one of those paint your own pottery places, to the art museum, down to the Mass Ave district, to a comedy club... who knows! We haven't planned out the weekend. We actually were kind of stumbling to figure out things we could even go and do without the kids. We never really "dated" back when we were dating- we hung out and spent a lot of time together but didn't go and do and see and experience a lot of stuff. I refuse to feel guilty about a weekend that I know is very important for my marriage, my connection to my life partner. But I have to admit... I feel a little guilty that I want a break from my kids. Having a crappy day at work and a bad midday run and coming home to kids that are demanding and whiney and clingy and obstinant and argumentative and... and having their own crappy day... it wears you down. And part of me has been feeling like I want to just throw in the towel. Not walk away. But let them behave how they are going to behave. Stop trying. I'm not going to. I love them too much for that. But I think a weekend where I build myself back up and where I strengthen the connection between me and my life partner, my parenting parter... is just what the doctor ordered.

Dear Jeff,

I love you. Recently, I've been witness to the lives of some friends and acquaintances and been left feeling so very sad for some of the things they've shared. Women who are in marriages where they don't feel loved. Where they question why they got married in the first place. Where they feel lost, confused, alone. Where they are hurting or being hurt. I am so blessed that I have you in my life. Our life is so... normal, calm, routine, everyday. I cannot fathom not coming home to you every evening or waking up to you every morning. There is no one else that I want by my side through thick and thin. I love that I feel so safe, so secure, so trusting, so trustworthy with you beside me. There are 2 things that I want you to know. I love that we laugh together and that we've learned how to laugh with the stuff that parenthood has thrown at us and continues to throw at us. I think some people enter a marriage thinking there is an out if they need it- that there are deal breakers. We talked about it before we got married- about those things that would end the marriage. If you cheated on me, if I cheated on you... if you hit me, if I hit you. Things that we couldn't recover from. I don't feel that way anymore. It's not that I'd be ok with you hitting me or cheating on me. It's that I so fully and deeply trust you and know you that I have no insecurities about who you are as a husband. It's not a risk. When I look forward, there are no doubts about who I will be standing beside. I simply cannot imagine my life without you. I know I baffle you sometimes. I know we have our disagreements or bad moods. But the thing is... I get these reminders of how life might be for the people around us... I think about all the families in our neighborhood, in our church, in our lives and I wonder about their hurts, their mistrusts, their secrets... and I am just so proud of us. I am so proud that you are my husband- so honored that you chose me. We have both been broken people before. We have both been hurt in deep, deep ways. But you know what? You have filled me with so much love and trust and joy and peace... you have given me such an immeasurable gift... together, we have taken our broken selves, filled each other up with so much beauty and now we have this normal life. A normal, content, happy life. We have struggles, we have joys, we have celebrations, we have losses. We have each other. And I wouldn't want my life to be any different. ily

Love's Discovery

I discovered the Indigo Girls in high school. I loved their sound, I could sing both vocal parts, I dreamed of going to their concert and being plucked from the crowd to sing with them (never happened, of course). This was one of my favorite songs because I thought it was about heartbreak and lost loves and so on. I thought it captured the deepness of what I now recognize as “teen angst.” I recently rediscovered the Girls. And listened to this song. And listened again and again and again and it spoke to me completely differently. I know of at least 2 married couples going through hard times right now. 1 working through some stuff, the other falling apart and in early stages of divorce. Neither of these relationships are intimately known to me but both are marriages that involve children and my heart always hurts especially in those situations. Some of the best marriage advice I ever heard was that when times are hard, turn in towards each other. When you are angry with your spouse, don’t run to your friends, your mom, your in-laws and spout off and vent and so on. Turn towards your spouse and work through it together. I know it doesn’t always work that way. But when you choose to run around and get input and advice and insight from 15 other people instead of keeping the issues inside your marriage and between the 2 people involved in the conflict, you are doing nothing helpful and everything hurtful. Can love be recovered? Can we weather the storms of life? Meanwhile our friends we thought were so together

They've all gone and left each other in search of fairer weather

And we sit here in our storm and drink a toast

To the slim chance of love's recovery. Searching for fairer weather… grass is always greener. The bottom line is that it’s easy to be restless and searching and believing that there is something better out there. But what happens if we hunker down and endure the storm? What happens if we stay together for the sake of the slim chance of love’s recovery? There I am in younger days, star gazing,

Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be

Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection

My compass, faith in love's perfection

I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen This one really rings true for me now! It held such a different meaning when I was in my younger days and I had all these ideas about life and love and the path ahead of me. I thought I had so much figured out. But I didn’t know anything. And while I do believe that life has happened the way it has to bring me to this point, I also know that I have missed some paths because I refused to see them. Faith, in love’s perfection. I used to think that was a very romantic line and that love was perfect and all those paths were to distract me from finding my one true perfect love. I think it’s missed that love isn’t perfect and that’s why the starry eyed youth me missed out on chances to build and choose love and learn from those lessons. Rain soaked and voice choked like silent screaming in a dream

I search for our absolute distinction

Not content to bow and bend

To the whims of culture that swoop like vultures

Eating us away, eating us away

Eating us away to our extinction Whims of culture… All those outside voices and pressures to pull you away, turn you away, point you in a different direction. To show you what you don’t have, to make you feel what you are lacking. Whims of culture, tempting you, swooping, eating… extinction. Never seeing your own blessings, never working on the happiness that already surrounds you, never accepting yourself and loving yourself as you are, always wanting to be better, do better, go faster, go higher… never being satisfied. Never allowing life to be uncomplicated. Never enjoying the simple beauty of settling. The whims of culture… until we are extinct. Our selves extinct, our relationships extinct. Always seeking happiness instead of choosing to be happy with what you have already chosen. Oh how I wish I were a trinity, so if I lost a part of me

I'd still have two of the same to live

But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal, as specks of dust we're universal

To let this love survive would be the greatest gift that we could give Nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal. This is it. Make the best of what you have right now. To let this love survive would be the greatest gift that we could give. That love that Jeff and I work on and choose to keep alive, in the midst of all the storms and temptations and ideals, is the greatest gift we can give our children, our friends, our families, our communities, and each other. Tell all the friends who think they're so together

That these are ghosts and mirages, these thoughts of fairer weather

Though it's storming out I feel safe within the arms of love's discovery You have to stop looking for it to be better somewhere else, with someone else, having something else. If you move to Florida for the sunshine, you also risk the hurricanes. If you move to Indiana for the 4 seasons, you also get blizzards and tornadoes. No matter where you go, if you aren’t happy with what you already are and already have, you will always be searching and restless. Though it’s storming out, I feel safe within the arms… of love’s discovery. Figuring out that it’s already here and with you. You don’t have to fight the storm from out in the middle of it, alone. It’s all around you and you can wait it out together. You can face it head on together. The point is to do it together. And I think that “love’s discovery” is about realizing that you already have it. It’s already around you. It isn’t about butterflies in your stomach and roses and chocolates (but chocolate never hurts, mind you) and longing gazes and romance. Those romantic gestures don’t define love. Love is hard work and hard choices and hard sacrifices and hard compromises. And when you start doing the hard things together… when you realize that the storm can rage around you and not tear you apart… when you’ve done the hard work to secure the home and family and commit to your partner… when your home and family are strong in the foundation and you are committed to being the safe, warm and comforting place where husband, wife, children can fall, can fight, can love, can cry, can celebrate… that is love’s discovery.

Don't Divorce us

Thanks to Tangobaby for posting this. Very moving, very real. Imagine... your marriage... being forced to divorce or be annulled. Being forced to be invalidated. Being told your commitment doesn't mean as much because you don't love the right kind of person. The Courage Campaign "Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

The Love Dare

So there's this movie and this book... and I've wanted to not be interested. I've wanted to not see it. I've wanted to not think it has any merit. Dammit. Fireproof. I'll be the first to admit that I tend to automatically reject Christian entertainment. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe the cheese factor that usually lends itself is my issue. Maybe I feel like it's too "Bible beating" for my preferences. There is Christian music that I love. There are Christian comedians I've enjoyed. If I can count Jesus Christ Superstar as a favorite movie and musical... then I've got that covered. The premise of Fireproof captured my attention. "Firefighter" has that cheese factor and makes it feel a little heavy handed in the obviousness. But... something was there. Kirk Cameron, who I was madly in love with as a teen, stars in the movie. He faded from the radar a long time ago... but this is bringing him back a little. I heard people starting talking about "The Love Dare." It is apparently a thing from the movie. OK. Hadn't planned to see the movie, might see it someday but... I was at Target and the book "The Love Dare" was sitting there, calling to me. I picked it up and started to thumb through it. It's a 40 day challenge to do something specific, to reflect on something specific in regards to your relationship each day. I bought it. And I'm going to do it. I still feel hesitant about it. My marriage isn't in trouble or weak... but from the scanning I did, the suggestions seem to be good ones. And a lot could apply to my relationship with my kids or friends or other family members, too. Today is Day One. Anyone care to join me?

You Never Have To Say It

We are sitting in the living room, watching TV. We hear a quiet noise in the hallway and look up to see Teagan. She woke up, quietly came out to the living room because she needed to potty. My big girl. After the potty trip, I carried her back to bed. I got her snuggled back in and offered to stay with her for a minute. She nodded. I stroked her hair and quietly told her "I love you." She opened her eyes and glanced at me. I could see that she wanted to say it but hesitated. She wanted to go to sleep. And I wanted to tell her... You never have to say it to me. In our lives together, you never have to tell me that you love me. There will be days that you love me and I will love you. Days that you hate me and I will love you. Days you like me and I will love you. Days you need me and I will love you. Days you are embarassed by me and I will love you. You don't need to say that you love me. Because I will always love you. My love is broad enough, deep enough, thorough enough, lasting enough... that it will cover the ebb and flow, the forgotten moments, the selfishness, the drama and trauma, the highs and lows. Perhaps that is one of the many gifts of motherhood. Perhaps it is a deepening of this new level of love. But no matter what it is... I don't need you to say it. I know it. And I've got it covered.