Coming Out Day

Almost one year ago, I posted an emotional response to the uptick in media coverage of teen suicide.  I hope you will take a few minutes to go read that post.  I've read it a few times since writing it and just reread it for that link and I still stand by everything I wrote.

Today is National Coming Out Day.  Oct 11, 1987 was the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights.  Oct 11, 1988 was the first National Coming Out Day. 

Most people who come to realize that they are gay, have a moment when they officially "come out."  Most of the gay people I know have a story to tell about their realization, about facing that truth, and about turning to loved ones to share what they are feeling and experiencing.

I have a couple of stories of friends who have come out to me. 

The first coming out story that I remember actually helped change my perspective on homosexuality.  I was raised that being gay was wrong.  It's a sin, it's not God's way.  I've obviously not followed that line of thinking.  In high school, there was a young man that I really respected.  He was quiet, he was brilliant, he was gentle, he was shy.  He had a good group of friends.  I think it was our senior year when he came out.  It blew my mind.  He was nothing like what I had in my head as an image of a gay person.  My first exposure to gay people had been a few years prior when I accidentally happened upon a gay pride parade in San Francisco.  That sparked my interest in the culture but also set a very flamboyant and colorful picture in my head of what a gay person is supposed to be like.  But this guy in my class was nothing like that- he was so "normal."  That's what started to crack my blinders, I think. 

The next story was more dramatic and traumatic and personal.  A very close friend had a hard time facing his sexuality and spun into an out of control hurricane of nuttiness when the feelings started to really emerge.  Instead of opening up to his friends, he pushed us away.  He pushed really hard.  None of us knew what was going on- just that he was aiming to hurt us, hurt himself, and that he wanted nothing to do with us anymore.  My friends and I eventually heard of his coming out through the grapevine.  The sad thing is that because he had started down a slippery slope and wasn't taking care of himself and he had distanced himself in hard ways from his friends, rumors swirled pretty aggressively for several months.  He had been my best friend and it was a hard situation to deal with.  It took almost a year before we started to reconcile.  And we ended up closer than ever- he's my soul mate BFF.

Another story was an adult friend who came out after many years of marriage and several kids.  And it was also traumatic.  I wish we'd been clsoer friends so I could have been more of a support to him.  I was an important piece of his story but if we'd known each other longer, I could have been more, I think.  The tragedy was that the people who who he thought were his support system ended up turning on him in some very hurtful ways.  The blessing was that there were people who stepped up in love and support that were very much needed. 

What I want you to know is that I am a safe person to talk to about feelings or thoughts you might be having.  I want you to know that I won't judge you or turn you away or tell you that you're dirty or wrong or unlovable.  I want you to know that if you call me up and tell me that you're gay, I'm going to smile on my end of the line and I'm going to tell you that I love you and that I'm proud of you and that I'm honored that you trust me.  If you tell me face to face, there will be hugs for you.  And I will be celebrating with you and for you. 

It's National Coming Out Day!  It's a day that should be about celebrating who you are.  And I think it's a day that should be about more than gay people revealing their sexuality to others.  I think it's a day when straight allies should be unashamed to stand up in support of the LGBTQ community.  I'm out and I'm proud as an ally who gives a damn!

Parenting My Perfectionist Child

My astrological sign is Virgo.  One of the words I have often heard associated with being a Virgo is "perfectionist."  I always laughed about it because perfection is never something I've strived for.

I was the kid who needed "to apply herself."  I was the kid who had so much potential- if I would just buckle down and give it some effort.  I've never been known as neat and organized. 

In the past decade, especially since becoming a parent, I have found my drive to succeed.  I am inspired to do better for the sake of my kids.  When I was an actress, I took classes to hone my craft.  When I was a social worker, I took classes and attended seminars to expand my knowledge base.  But there isn't much out there to help me be the best parent I can be.  I can read lots of books and online articles and magazines and talk to endless experts but finding a class that teaches me how to be a mom- doesn't really exist in the mainstream.

I'd especially like to sign up for a class that teaches me how to be the best mom to Teagan and Zach.

I've shared about some of the struggles we're facing with Teagan and this anxiety that has hit us with first grade. 

Things are better but this isn't something that has an easy overnight fix.

In terms of school, we've been in ongoing contact with the teacher.  I had a great conversation one afternoon with the guidance counselor.  Teagan was a big help in that she identified a source of some of her anxiety- buying her lunch.  We now pack her lunch each day and she has also joined a lunch friendship club where she and 3 girls in her class eat lunch in the guidance counselor's office once a week and have fun while also learning social skills.  Teagan has no issue with making friends but this is a great way to get her away from the chaos of the cafeteria. 

Jeff and I are cleared with our background check and I had lunch with Teagan this past Thursday.  The cafeteria is a lot less scary than I'd anticipated.  I was expecting it to be pretty crazy but it really wasn't. 

The biggest change that we're working on is changing how we parent our daughter.  Dealing with her anxiety means realizing that she is a perfectionist.  This means she could end up successful or struggling and she's going to take it to an extreme in either direction.

One thing I have to personally do is stop seeing the gray areas as okay.  To me, life is all about the gray areas.  Nothing is black and white.  To my daughter, life has to be as black and white as possible until she is ready to see an acceptable gray area.  For her life so far, I've eagerly employed the "controlled choice" tactic where I give her 2 choices and both are right.  The idea is that she then feels empowered and learns self responsibility.  The problem is that controlled choices means offering 2 right choices.  Most of the time, 2 right choices doesn't fit into her black and white desired world.  Sometimes, she can handle it.  Sometimes, she can't.  Sometimes, 2 right choices is the exact wrong thing for her. 

Praise has to be constructive.  She needs to hear exactly what she's done right- not just that she's done it right.  I've always had this in mind but have to confess that I easily fall into empty praise phrases of simple "good job" and "I'm proud of you" moments.  Because of her perfectionist drive, she's hungry for those praise moments and if she doesn't know exactly how to get them... it's another gray area where she feels unable to fully function.  My focus needs to be on the process- not the product.  "I can tell you worked really hard on this."

The biggest thing that has to change, though, is the behavior that we model for our children.  Almost every article I've read points to looking at your own perfectionist behaviors, your own behavior when you face criticism or disappointment, your own words and actions.  I know I've been stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, and worn out because of work.  And I'm sure that has come home with me and that she has heard some of my feelings about the situation.  What about hearing Daddy yell at every other driver on the road or at the football players on TV?  What about Mommy being too busy to do fun things?  What about the words we use that accidentally criticize?  What about sarcastic comments that are intended as humor but that actually are more cutting than an adult might realize?

For the past few weeks, I've been carefully auditing myself and seeing where I need to improve and listening to myself.  I've been finding ways to be more fun and that benefits me, Teagan, and the entire family. 

A friend shared an idea that we haven't implemented yet but I'm holding onto it in case we get to a place where we need it.  Her daughter has anxiety and the family doctor suggested making a "worry box" that would sit in the bedroom.  Every night, as part of the bedtime routine, you and your child write down the worries from the day- write it, draw it, whatever.  Put the worries in the box and go to bed.  In the morning, the worries are gone. 

The first thing I'd put in the worry box are my concerns about getting through this anxiety thing with Teagan.

Perfectionism as a personality trait can be a great thing.  This could really drive Teagan towards success.  Perfectionists often end up in important positions, making important decisions, leading teams of people, making big change in the world or in their community.  Which makes this feel even bigger and more important.  If she doesn't learn how to deal with mistakes, criticism, and stress, her perfectionist side will just as easily drive her to give up, to not try, to avoid risk for fear of certain failure. 

It's a delicate balance.  It's another tightrope.  It's a piece to the puzzle that is my daughter.  This insight and learning about perfectionist children has led me to so many "ah ha" moments as I look back on struggles we've had with her.  This explains the bullying, the meltdowns, the fits.  This also points toward how smart she is.  She's reading 2 levels ahead of most of the kids in her class.  She does math in her head while we drive down the street.  She is constantly thinking about things, figuring things out, and making observations that astound me. 

I love this fiercely passionate little girl.  I already know in my heart that she is perfect just the way she is.  The challenge is getting her to realize and learn and believe that being perfect includes making mistakes, facing frustration, and working with criticism.

Indianapolis Zoo- Botanicals

A Day At the Zoo

Last Sunday, we spent the day at the Indianapolis Zoo for an annual employee appreciation event that Jeff's company hosts.  I enjoy meeting people he works with and we all love a day of fun at the zoo!  The weather was gorgeous last weekend- couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.  I got my camera back in my hands and took oodles of pics.  Enjoy!

Don't Hand That Cape To Me

I am not Superwoman.  I am not Supermom.  I am not Superwife.  I am not Superfriend.

I'm not trying to be Super anything so cancel any orders placed for capes and someone please call back anyone who has applied to be my sidekick and tell them I'm not hiring.

A review-

Teagan is continuing to have anxiety/stress about school.  As I learn more and more about "perfectionist children," I'm learning a lot about her and about what is part of the cause of her anxiety and stress.  You can bet there's a post coming on that topic one of these days.  Jeff and I have to learn some new techniques to best help her feel confident and secure- and these are things that are kind of opposite what we've been doing.  One thing that works best for her is to have a pretty set routine on weekdays.  We get home, have a quick snack, make dinner while the kids unwind in front of the television or playing quietly, eat, homework, bath/shower if needed, pj's, reading, sleep- bedtime being between 7-7:30.  If we stray from that, it can really throw her for a loop.

Work is still going full speed ahead.  It's like one of those super fast bullet trains that has been crammed in with people so that there isn't room to breathe.  It's like I'm one of those people and I know the train is going to crash and I'm trying to get to the safest place in the train to avoid taking too much damage.  More work has been added to my plate.  It's temporary- but that means months.  And the first month will mean getting my hands pretty dirty in all of it.

Zach is doing well.  Even though we had some time together on Saturday, I still managed to let his time be taken over with Teagan things.  He came with me to meet with a friend to talk about Girl Scouts- for Teagan.  We went to one of his favorite play spots- the indoor area at Conner Prairie- and he okayed Teagan and Daddy coming along.  So much for just time with my boy.  But he's happy and we snuggle and cuddle and kiss and laugh together at every chance we get.  Those moments fill me up.

Girl Scouts.  Trying to get a small troop up and running is more of a challenge than I'd expected.  The co-leaders I'm with are awesome and I really value the unique thing each woman is bringing to our planning.  However, we have 2 families that we have heard nothing from and our first meeting is supposed to be on Saturday.  Something tells me it isn't going to happen... but whatever happens, we're fine.  If we can be a troop with just the 3 of us, great.  If the other 2 families join in, great.  We're just going to have fun with it!

Church.  I miss my music team involvement.  Too many Sundays or Thursdays end up with other commitments.  You have to rehearse on Thursday evening to sing Sunday morning.  I'm teaching Sunday School once per month.  I enjoy that time with the kids very much and also having time with a teaching partner.  I'm doing a 20 minute children's choir session every Sunday in between services and we are about to start into learning the Christmas program for this year.  I'm helping to lead a weekly healthy living group so I write a weekly devotional that we use as a foundation for the meeting/workout. 

My husband.  My wonderful husband.  He's been a pretty great support as we hit this really busy season.  He's been taking the intitiative to make dinner several nights each week.  He's been helping out with the kids and bedtime and handling a big chunk of the transporation for school for Zach. He is single handedly making sure we have clean clothes to wear and has taken a turn now and then at tackling the dishes. I can't imagine handling all of this alone.  I think he knows how much I appreciate him.  I know he and I would both love a date night but finding the time and the energy for it is a challenge lately.  Our anniverary is in a few weeks so maybe we will plan ahead for an evening or afternoon alone together.

My house is a wreck.  My workouts are hit and miss.  My diet is sometimes ok, sometimes cruddy.  I feel like I'm going full steam ahead from the time I get up and let the dog out until my head hits the pillow around 10:30 or 11.  I miss blogging and visiting blogs.  I miss Twitter.  I miss feeling like I'm funny.  I miss feeling connected. 

But the one thing that always come through is God.  What I really love is when I get a loud and clear message of what I need to do. 

When I attended Women of Faith in August, I purchased a Women of Faith Bible.  It's the same Bible you're thinking of but it has a series of devotions.  I started the series on Grace back in August.  I intended to read a new devotion each day but, like with everything, I got busy.  I carry it with me with the intention of reading it when I sit down but it tends to slip my mind. 

Today, I was at a point where I was ready to pull my hair out at work.  The workload was overwhelming and I felt like my face was about to slip under the water.  I had one last meeting for the day (after being in meetings back to back since 8:00) and took a few minutes before the meeting to heed the voice I was hearing in my heart- get out that Bible and read the next devotion.

And it was exactly what I needed to hear.  In it, Luci Swindoll shares 6 things that we can do in order to put our own busy-ness aside and be open to what God wants for us and what the Holy Spirit wants to do through us. 

"Forget yourself.  Ask questions.  Take time.  Reach out.  Be kind.  Show up."

That reminded me of what I'd just written in the sheet I'd made for tonight's healthy living group.  This came from a sermon our pastor gave a couple of weeks ago.  These were the things he said would lead to a healthy life but that you wouldn't find in a diet and exercise book.

"Trust God, confess your sin (which includes trying to do better, of course), give generously, have fun."

And then I remembered one of the first devotions in my new Bible that I had marked with a post it tab because it spoke so directly to my heart and I went and read it again.  It's about Noah and how God was leading him through this overwhelming and huge workload.  But God was also there, holding Noah's ladder while he was up working on the roof of that ark.  God's with me, too, holding my ladder steady.

I know not everyone who reads my blog is Christian.  I know not everyone who reads my blog believes in God or even in a higher power.  But as I started writing this post, I wanted to be able to share what it is that gets me through the overwhelming stuff.

I don't need a cape.  I've got something better than super powers and sidekicks.  I've got God holding my ladder steady, reminding me to take time to have fun, guiding me to be kind and reach out, and allowing me to trust in Him and His plan for me.

And that leaves me with a lot of peace and calm and comfort and hope. 

Letters from Home (@thebertshow)

Back in high school, I went through a phase where I was intrigued with the military.  OK, maybe a little obsessed.  I had no interest in joining- it's so totally not my thing.  But Operation Desert Storm was going on at the end of high school and my heart always broke when I thought about the men and women serving overseas in a faraway place, far from home and family and loved ones and comforts of the everyday.

I did a service project at my school to collect items to make care packages to send overseas.  Unfortunately, the project never took off with the student body so not much was collected.

I did a similar project several years ago with my church and the response was much greater.  I sent packages of snacks, personal care items, and entertainment to several troops.

But showing support doesn't have to be in a box.  Collecting up care packages is a great thing to do but connecting with someone who needs a kind word to cheer them up can be as easy as writing a letter.

A handwritten letter can really boost your spirits, can't it? 

This morning, I was listening to The Bert Show.  They are based in Atlanta, GA but syndication brought them to the Indy area a while back and they have also recently expanded their coverage to include Nashville, TN. 

The Bert Show is doing a project (The Big Thank You) to collect and send 400,000 letters of gratitude to troops stationed overseas to receive in time for Thanksgiving.  Visit that link for information and guidelines. 

And if you need to shed a few tears to help you find some motivation, I highly recommend spending a few minutes on the Welcome Home Blog.

If you aren't from the Indy, Nashville, or Atlanta area and would like to participate, you can send your letter to me and I'll include it in my bundle.  Or you can start your own project and gather your own bundle of letters from friends, family, church group, school group, and so on and mail in your own letters.

No matter how you feel about war, about the military, about the politics of it all... the men and women who are sacrificing their lives, their body parts, their safety, their mental health, time with their children and spouses, time away from the comfort of their beds or favorite chair, missing out on favorite family dinners... those are the people who deserve a few words of kindness and support and respect and gratitude.

I hope you will join me!  If you'd like to partner with me, drop me an email (gentlemomlc at gmail).

6 Words: I'm Shocked!

I've slacked but 12's fit better!

Even though I've slacked off quite a bit over the summer in terms of diet and exercise (and have been working the past few weeks to get back on track), I was pleasantly surprised to try on jeans today and they weren't magic jeans but just plain old off the shelf jeans and the size 14 were too big and the size 12 FIT. 

I bought 2 pairs.  WHOOHOO!