Bullying and Those Bad Parents

I'm angry.  I know it can be dangerous to write when angry.  I also know that some of my best thinking and doing starts when I write while angry.

I was listening to The Bert Show this week on my drive in to work- as I almost always do.  The discussion was on the documentary "Bully" that releases this weekend.  You know I am going to see this movie at some point.  Readers of my blog know that we have dealt with bullying in a way that most people aren't so open about, I suppose.  I've been very honest and open here on the blog about our experiences with our daughter being the bully.  (If you're new here- I suggest clicking that link and you will see all the posts where I have shared about our experiences with our child being a bully.)



Here's where I get angry.  The radio show was taking calls and they had some experts in the studio.  They were talking with kids who witness bullying or who are bullied.  Facebook blew up with comments and the conversation took the turn it always does- to blame the parents of the bully.  This morning, as a follow up to one of the more heart wrenching calls from the previous day, one of the hosts full on stated that bullies have bad home situations.  One of the hosts stated that he wants bullies to hear the call from the girl who was a tortured victim of bullying and he wants them to feel shame for what they've done if they are a bully in their own school.

First quick thought was- yes, they should feel something when hearing this little girl crying on the radio about how she's been bullied for 5 years.  Second quick thought was- but it shouldn't be shame that we focus on.  It should be that if you are a bully and you hear that call and on the inside, you are feeling bad for her and you are recognizing that the choices you make in your peer environment could be impacting someone in the same way, you are feeling something appropriate and should be encouraged to act on it.  Not encouraged to feel more shame.  Because one thing I do believe to be true is that the majority of bullies suffer low self esteem and are already feeling shame and beating themselves up.

Then the comment about the home life of bullies was made and I blew up in my car.

I tried to call in but they had moved on to another topic and it was suggested that I leave a comment on Facebook.  Which I did.  But having my blog as my platform is far more satisfying.  And I can say more.

I got to work and posted on Facebook my thoughts.  And then began to see the comments from other listeners and their opinions of the parents of kids who bully and I had that heart-sinking- punch in the gut feeling that I had when I first heard that my daughter was bullying other kids.  I wanted to message each of these people and tell them that my husband and I are GREAT PARENTS and we LOVE our kids like crazy and our home life is fun but also disciplined but not abusive or overly strict or cruel.  That my kids are the focus of our family and are not neglected or abused.


And I thought about blurring out the names- but these folks posted on The Bert Show's Facebook page so it's easy to find their names anyway.

I get that there are situations where parents will disregard their child's mean choices.  I get it that there are homes where kids are being abused or are growing up with "rough" parents who teach them to be tough.

But I want the message loud and clear- that isn't the situation with every bully.  That isn't the home life of every mean child.

Yesterday, The Queen of Free and her husband celebrated the freedom from the last of their debt with a spot on The Dave Ramsey Show.  One thing that the King of Free stated and has really stayed with me is that "The death of communication is the birth of resentment."

If your child comes home and tells you that my child said terribly cruel things to her, please find a way to contact me.  Send me an email, contact the teacher, call me.  Please don't assume that my husband beats my daughter or that I am emotionally cruel to my child.  Please don't assume that my daughter is in a wretched home situation.  Please don't assume that she has parents who are disengaged or don't care about her.

Instead, please consider that she has parents at home who are aware of the problem but aren't aware that it has happened again.  Please consider reaching out so that we have the opportunity to correct the problem with our child.  If you are going to assume anything, please assume that my child has engage and passionate parents.  Maybe you've reached out to other parents with issues before and been disregarded or put down.  But please don't stop trying.  Because at some point you might find me at the other end or you might find another parent like me- one who is trying to work through this behavior problem on a consistent and ongoing basis.

And here's a shocking idea.  Let's say the school does know that the response from the parents won't help.  Or maybe you reach out and you do discover that the kid is in a difficult home situation.  Does that mean you just brush it off?  Does that mean you don't take action?  Holy crap!  If I know a kid who is in a tough home situation... who has parents making dumb, selfish choices or who has a parent who pushes them too hard... you know that situations where the kid feels out of control or the kid feels worthless... I can't imagine turning my back.  I know that not every situation can be turned over to the authorities and not every situation can be helped by school administration.  And if my kid is the one getting picked on, I know that I will be angry with that other child.  But I also know that if I am aware of a kid in a hurting place, I do what is within my power to do to show them that they are valuable and they are loved.  Even if it is as small as looking them in the eye with a smile and a hello, giving them a hug when appropriate, taking time to sit and talk, and maybe even being there for them to talk to when the moment presents itself.

I'm starting to get scattered with my thoughts.  It's a big subject.  And maybe it's something I should focus on and write about in more detail at some point.  But like I said- right now, I'm angry.  Right now, I want to defend myself.

My child has the capability to be a cruel bully, a true mean girl.  My child also has the capability to be incredibly thoughtful, empathetic, and compassionate.  My child is funny and charming and smart- and can also be manipulative and verbally slay other kids without being detected by adults.

My husband and I are parents who love our children.  We are focused on raising them to be compassionate, caring, generous individuals.  We believe that our kids have great things to do in this world.  Finding out that our child had the ability to be so cruel to others turned our world upside down- I cried and cried.  I questioned everything I had done to that point as a parent.  I wondered if I was too hard on her or if my expectations were too high or if I was too soft on her or if I was just plain doing everything wrong.  Eventually, we figured out that there were reasons for the things we were seeing.  Now, almost 2 years into our school experience, we know that this is an aspect of her personality that can be honed into something positive or, if left unattended, will run rampant and create a truly cruel teenager.

So we work on it.  We try our best.  We address is consistently every time it comes up.  All I ask is that if your child encounters a bully, please consider that the parents of the bully are more like you than you may want to admit.

Mean Girl

My daughter's mean side has come out once again.

I've written about our experiences with our daughter being a bully starting in Kindergarten, again in 1st grade, and realizing things about her personality that play into her bullying.

Last night, more evidence of her mean side came through.

Over winter break, Teagan had a playdate with a little girl in her class.  The playdate included another boy they are friends with and a girl that the host girl is friends with from her old school.  By all accounts from the kids and the parents, everyone had a great time.  Teagan has continued to be good friends with the 2 kids who go to her school.  The other girl has never been mentioned since.

Yesterday, I was checking the papers in Teagan's school folder to check her schoolwork and see about her homework for that evening.  My heart stopped when I found this:

Looks innocent enough- until you read it.  "Laniy, are enmey."  Erased in pencil at the top "I hat you."

I stood with it in my hand and asked Teagan, "What is this?"

She froze.  She got upset.  She apologized.  I opened it up.

"Mean Laniy. Like a grila. I think you are nice. But you are mean. You hit Elizabeth in the face. I do not like your family."

Wow.  Now, part of me wanted to laugh.  Like a gorilla??  But most of me was hurting inside because my daughter had to have been filled with a drive to be cruel.  She had an audience- a friend in her class- that she showed it to and they laughed.  Then she put it away in her folder and forgot that she was bringing it home.

The back of the card.

"I am not your friend. I am onley friends with nice people. Mean people or you (couldn't read the rest)"

Now, this kid doesn't go to Teagan's school.  This wasn't shown to this girl.  This wasn't seen by the in-common friend who hosted the playdate (she was out sick yesterday).  This was something Teagan says she did on her own and laughed about with another friend.

She cried.  She apologized.

I don't know how but I stayed calm throughout.  But I was pretty dang mad about it.

I talked about how writing such mean things about someone you don't even know really tells me that Teagan is feeling some yucky stuff inside of herself.  That I can tell she is feeling bad on the inside because her evening up until that point had been emotional and whiny.

So she didn't exactly bully.  But she pulled a mean girl stunt to gain approval from another friend.  I asked how she thought the in-common friend would have felt if she had seen what Teagan wrote.  I asked how Teagan would feel if someone else wrote that about one of her friends- or about her.

No TV in our house last night.  She was just sitting down to eat when I found it so she finished dinner, got a shower, off to bed.  Homework had already been completed at that point.  After she was showered and in her pajamas, I asked her to write 10 nice things about this other girl, "Laniy."  Jeff pointed out that she might not be able to since she doesn't know her very well.  I explained to her and to him- that's my point.  If you can sit down and writ mean things about someone you don't really know, then you can certainly sit down and write nice things.  10 nice things about this girl, 10 things about Teagan that are nice.

This morning, we talked about finding 3 ways to be kind at school today- beyond the basics of what she already does and already enjoys.

Jeff and I talked about our fears- that when she is a teen, she will be one of those uber-popular mean girls and will be heading up the Burn Book and tagging other kids to get picked on and directing her minions to do her bullying for her.  And that's why we address it every time it comes up.  We could have just laughed off that card.  We could have joked about it.  We could have made light of it.  We could have ignored it and just thrown it away.

But my daughter is someone who needs more than that.  My daughter needs some consistent redirection when this side of her comes out.  And that is what she will get from us each and every time something like this happens.

The Face of a Bully

My daughter is a bully.

I have to stop being so scared and embarassed about that sentence.

My daughter is a bully.

Yesterday, I wanted to run and hide from life.  Which is impossible.  To those who reached out to me, those who sent me loving messages, those who left understanding comments... thank you. 

Unfortunately, the school principal doesn't read my blog and didn't get that message.  Unfortunately, my daughter didn't get that message, either.

My pity party came to a head Wednesday afternoon when I got the call that every parent dreads.  Actually, maybe "every parent" never even imagines they will get that call.  Teagan and a friend were in trouble.  They'd lost out on both recesses because they had hit each other- slapped in the face, in fact.  Then lied about it to the principal so lost out on 2nd recess as well.  And I found out later in the day that Teagan had gone back to the principal's office because she had pulled another girl's hair and clothes.

My first reaction was that something must be wrong in the relationship between Teagan and this one little girl.  The relationship is hot and cold.  And I thought this incident indicated that there is something wrong between them.  I even thought that the anxiety Teagan has been expressing might be connected to the stress of this relationship.  I was ready to hang everything on this solution I'd worked out in my head.  I was going to question my daughter and force her to tell me what had happened between them.

We did question her.  And made a discovery.  Teagan is unhappy in the friendship because this little girl stands up to her.  When Teagan is being mean to this girl, this girl will loudly tell Teagan to stop being mean.  This girl does exactly what she should do to a bully. 

When we finally got to the bottom of it- Teagan was embarassed and scared of getting into trouble.  She is totally choosing this behavior of trying to control and manipulate other kids and she knows it isn't right.

Last night, my pity party went full on into the night.  We'd had our parent teacher conference, met with the school guidance counselor, and even met the principal (we stuck our head in and introduced ourselves since he'd spent so much time with our daughter).  Then we had the talk with Teagan and found out that the problem between her and her friend was because of her own choices.  My feelings of wanting to crawl into a hole and disappear were pretty strong.

Here is the self pity part I want you to know...

Bullying is a big and serious issue.  We take it seriously in our family.  There are lots of resources out there for teaching your kids how to deal with a bully, how to stand up to a bully.  There are a lot fewer resources on how to parent a child who is a bully. 

I am the face of a parent of a child who is a bully.

When I hear people talk about their child being bullied, when I watch videos on YouTube about messages to bullies, when I see TV shows that deal with bullies, there is something that almost always comes up, something almost always in common.  The parents get blamed.  The parents are portrayed as lazy, uncaring, abusive, and so on.  The parents deny that their child could be a bully, the parent is proud of the kid for being mean and tough, the parent just doesn't care what the child does or doesn't do. 

I am not that parent.  And I have to admit that the words people use in these situations when they blame the parent... well, it hurts. 

I'm not a lazy parent, I'm not going to answer the door wearing a housecoat with frizzy hair and a cigarette dangling from my mouth and a bottle of tequila in one hand and tell you to F off or I'll just do to you what my kid does to your kid.  When you talk to me, you aren't going to walk away suddenly figuring out where my kid gets it.  I don't have some false idea that my kid is a perfect angel who never messes up.  I'm not an abusive parent- yes, I have a temper and I am prone to yelling but we do our best to use discipline in a way that isn't bullying or all about power.  I am a strict parent and I work hard to be the best parent I can be for the sake of my kids.

My child is a bully.  She uses her smarts and her words to try and put others down so she feels powerful.  Once she has gotten into trouble or gets caught, it's all or nothing for my girl.  If she's going to be mean, she's going to be mean full on.  If she's already gotten into trouble, she's going to go full bore for the rest of the day once she feels like there is no turning back. 

Today is a new day.  Today, the pity party is over.  Today, I have a game plan. 

We are heading to the library later to look for these books:

Growing Up With A Bucket Full of Happiness by Carol McCloud

Have You Filled A Bucket Today? By Carol McCloud

Your Six Year Old: Loving and Defiant by Louis Bates Ames and Frances Ilg

My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig

Confessions of a Former Bully by Trudy Ludwig

What All Children Want Their Parents to Know by Carol Diane Loomans

We let chores slide and it's time to get back to requiring that chores be done.  She hasn't been invested in getting her allowance so we let chores slide while we dealt with the transition to first grade.  It's time to get back to that daily chore work.

There will be consequences for any trouble at school.  This is a hard one for me.  I believe in discussing what happened at school but that the consequences have already been given for the little things like talking or not following directions.  Obviously we hand out consequences for bullying and being sent to the principal's office.  But we've never had an official consequence for everyday infractions.  At the suggestion of the guidance counselor and principal, we will implement a consequence for rule breaking at school.  The guidance counselor suggested 15 minutes earlier to bed or that sort of thing.  I know TV is something important to her so that's something we can take away.

The guidance counselor also suggested having her do something physical when she first gets home.  I'm not totally sold on this one for a couple of reasons but I'm willing to try it out.  My hesitations are that she seems to need decompression / down time when she gets home and not something that wears her out even further, we have very limted time for dinner and homework until bedtime so spending 15-20 minutes on walking or running or dancing feels like time we don't have to spare, and she is worn out when she gets home after a long day of playing hard and working hard.  I'm going to play this one by ear.

The other suggestion is one that I know we already do.  For every time she gets in trouble, we have to compliment her 4 times.  I'm not going to start keeping track of trouble vs compliment.  Our home is a loving, supportive and positive place most of the time.  My kids are complimented and supported and hear positive things from us all day long.  So this is something I know we already do with both kids.  However, Jeff and I both know that we've let our frustration with her mood swings and her meltdowns and her bad choices get to us and that we canboth get into a sarcastic mode or wear our frustration too visibly on our proverbial sleeves.  We're working to help each other reign in our negativity when it comes to the kids and when it comes to the everyday example we live for them.

Yesterday, I wanted to escape.  Today, I'm feeling renewed and ready to tackle the issue head on.  Again.  And this time with a modified plan, an expanded plan. 

But if your child encounters a bully, please remember that it might be a perfectly normal kid with perfectly normal parents who are trying their best to instill values of kindness and compassion.  That it might be a kid who is also smart and funny and, believe it or not, has the ability to be remarkably compassionate and thoughtful. 

Because this is the face of a bully.

It's Happening Again

We found out today that Teagan is bullying kids at school.  Same kind of thing as what was going on almost a year ago.  She's very purposefully verbally cruel to other kids, she sets them up to knock them down, and she has added disrespect and attitude towards adult caregivers to the mix.

And now that she's been "outed" to us (the aftercare program has been dealing with this for "a while," they said), she spent the evening being very verbally cruel to herself.

I don't have a lot to say that I didn't already say a year ago. 

I'm sending a message to the guidance counselor and after talking wth her, I might be calling our family doctor.

And I'm already praying- a lot.  And asking for prayers.  Because I don't have the answers.  I'm confused and frustrated and scared and angry and embarassed and tired. 

Parenting My Perfectionist Child

My astrological sign is Virgo.  One of the words I have often heard associated with being a Virgo is "perfectionist."  I always laughed about it because perfection is never something I've strived for.

I was the kid who needed "to apply herself."  I was the kid who had so much potential- if I would just buckle down and give it some effort.  I've never been known as neat and organized. 

In the past decade, especially since becoming a parent, I have found my drive to succeed.  I am inspired to do better for the sake of my kids.  When I was an actress, I took classes to hone my craft.  When I was a social worker, I took classes and attended seminars to expand my knowledge base.  But there isn't much out there to help me be the best parent I can be.  I can read lots of books and online articles and magazines and talk to endless experts but finding a class that teaches me how to be a mom- doesn't really exist in the mainstream.

I'd especially like to sign up for a class that teaches me how to be the best mom to Teagan and Zach.

I've shared about some of the struggles we're facing with Teagan and this anxiety that has hit us with first grade. 

Things are better but this isn't something that has an easy overnight fix.

In terms of school, we've been in ongoing contact with the teacher.  I had a great conversation one afternoon with the guidance counselor.  Teagan was a big help in that she identified a source of some of her anxiety- buying her lunch.  We now pack her lunch each day and she has also joined a lunch friendship club where she and 3 girls in her class eat lunch in the guidance counselor's office once a week and have fun while also learning social skills.  Teagan has no issue with making friends but this is a great way to get her away from the chaos of the cafeteria. 

Jeff and I are cleared with our background check and I had lunch with Teagan this past Thursday.  The cafeteria is a lot less scary than I'd anticipated.  I was expecting it to be pretty crazy but it really wasn't. 

The biggest change that we're working on is changing how we parent our daughter.  Dealing with her anxiety means realizing that she is a perfectionist.  This means she could end up successful or struggling and she's going to take it to an extreme in either direction.

One thing I have to personally do is stop seeing the gray areas as okay.  To me, life is all about the gray areas.  Nothing is black and white.  To my daughter, life has to be as black and white as possible until she is ready to see an acceptable gray area.  For her life so far, I've eagerly employed the "controlled choice" tactic where I give her 2 choices and both are right.  The idea is that she then feels empowered and learns self responsibility.  The problem is that controlled choices means offering 2 right choices.  Most of the time, 2 right choices doesn't fit into her black and white desired world.  Sometimes, she can handle it.  Sometimes, she can't.  Sometimes, 2 right choices is the exact wrong thing for her. 

Praise has to be constructive.  She needs to hear exactly what she's done right- not just that she's done it right.  I've always had this in mind but have to confess that I easily fall into empty praise phrases of simple "good job" and "I'm proud of you" moments.  Because of her perfectionist drive, she's hungry for those praise moments and if she doesn't know exactly how to get them... it's another gray area where she feels unable to fully function.  My focus needs to be on the process- not the product.  "I can tell you worked really hard on this."

The biggest thing that has to change, though, is the behavior that we model for our children.  Almost every article I've read points to looking at your own perfectionist behaviors, your own behavior when you face criticism or disappointment, your own words and actions.  I know I've been stressed, overwhelmed, frustrated, and worn out because of work.  And I'm sure that has come home with me and that she has heard some of my feelings about the situation.  What about hearing Daddy yell at every other driver on the road or at the football players on TV?  What about Mommy being too busy to do fun things?  What about the words we use that accidentally criticize?  What about sarcastic comments that are intended as humor but that actually are more cutting than an adult might realize?

For the past few weeks, I've been carefully auditing myself and seeing where I need to improve and listening to myself.  I've been finding ways to be more fun and that benefits me, Teagan, and the entire family. 

A friend shared an idea that we haven't implemented yet but I'm holding onto it in case we get to a place where we need it.  Her daughter has anxiety and the family doctor suggested making a "worry box" that would sit in the bedroom.  Every night, as part of the bedtime routine, you and your child write down the worries from the day- write it, draw it, whatever.  Put the worries in the box and go to bed.  In the morning, the worries are gone. 

The first thing I'd put in the worry box are my concerns about getting through this anxiety thing with Teagan.

Perfectionism as a personality trait can be a great thing.  This could really drive Teagan towards success.  Perfectionists often end up in important positions, making important decisions, leading teams of people, making big change in the world or in their community.  Which makes this feel even bigger and more important.  If she doesn't learn how to deal with mistakes, criticism, and stress, her perfectionist side will just as easily drive her to give up, to not try, to avoid risk for fear of certain failure. 

It's a delicate balance.  It's another tightrope.  It's a piece to the puzzle that is my daughter.  This insight and learning about perfectionist children has led me to so many "ah ha" moments as I look back on struggles we've had with her.  This explains the bullying, the meltdowns, the fits.  This also points toward how smart she is.  She's reading 2 levels ahead of most of the kids in her class.  She does math in her head while we drive down the street.  She is constantly thinking about things, figuring things out, and making observations that astound me. 

I love this fiercely passionate little girl.  I already know in my heart that she is perfect just the way she is.  The challenge is getting her to realize and learn and believe that being perfect includes making mistakes, facing frustration, and working with criticism.

Run, Bully, Date, A Fan!

Yesterday, I registered for the 500 Festival Mini Marathon taking place on May 7, 2011. I'm excited and nervous to have made this commitment. I also registered for their training races- a 5K in Feb (3.1 miles), 10K in Mar (6.2 miles), and a 15K in Apr (9.3 miles). The mini is a half marathon (13.1 miles). Christy registered as well. Now we have to each decide how we want to train.

 *****

Yesterday was a "hold my breath" day. It was Day Three of the Crackdown Plan for Teagan at school.

Wednesday- Teagan had no TV, no playroom, no stuffed animals, ate dinner in her room with Daddy watching her, no books, no comforter on her bed. She had the opportunity to earn back her favorite stuffed animal by bedtime if she made good choices with the rest of the grounding. And she did fabulous and earned her pig. She also earned a blanket (a ratty old blue blanket and not her nice comforter). She handled it all so well that Jeff and I were concerned she hadn't really learned anything.

Thursday- Bad report again. Not as bad as other days but still a bad report. This time, Jeff and I picked the kids up in separate cars. I told Teagan what she had done and then told her what the consequence was- what she would find when she got home. When I got to the parts where the consequences were harder than Weds, she wasn't happy. No opportunity to earn back the stuffed animal, no Daddy sitting with you while you eat. Then came the kicker. See, Wednesday, we all missed dinner at church and were at home. Thursday night is Music Team practice at church. Teagan used to love going with me but hasn't gone in months (not for a reason, it just hasn't worked out). So the big pain point Thursday was when I told her I was taking Zach out to dinner and then taking him with me to Music Team. That pain was apparently enough for her to realize how serious we were. She cried herself to sleep- with no blanket- by 6:30.

Friday morning, I explained that she had to have a great report because the choices she made during the day would determine how our entire weekend went. I told her that Christy was coming over to babysit Friday night- and would come after Teagan was asleep if we got a bad report. Teagan would have no fun over the weekend- Mommy and Daddy would take turns taking Zach to do fun things and she would have to sit at home with no TV and no playroom.

A sweet moment- we talked about ways that she was special and I expected to hear "I'm smart" or something since she hears that a lot. Instead, she said "God loves me." We then listed off all the people who love her- and it was a long list. On our drive to school, the subject of praying happened to come up and I told Teagan that when I'm having a hard time with something, I stop and take a minute to pray and talk to God about it and I usually feel better. She decided that if she felt inside like she wanted to be mean to someone, she could pray about it. Her teacher (yay for private school) encouraged her in this and even pointed out some places in the room that were quiet where Teagan could go if she wanted to. I don't think Teagan actually used this - but I think God was answering our prayers anyway... Because she had a PERFECT DAY. I mean truly perfect. Her teacher had implemented another positive plan (plans Weds and Thurs didn't work) and Teagan rocked it. She went to the far other side of the behavior spectrum. I called to check in mid-morning and got to talk to her and praise her. Same thing mid-afternoon. And we all went out for ice cream right after school to celebrate! I know this isn't the end of our situation- but at least we got the turn around and know she can control herself and make good choices!!

*****

Jeff and I had a date night last night and it was a well deserved night out. We went to dinner and did a little shopping. I got a new running belt with hydration system (it holds water bottles). I got some new clothes at Christopher & Banks (they had a rack of stuff marked at a $30 price point but everything was actually $7!!) and got some clothes for Christy, too. Jeff got a new book that he didn't know was in paperback already. We held hands and laughed and just relaxed and enjoyed each other's company. It was a lovely evening. And much needed. And celebratory because we both really felt like we had come together in a fantastic and strong way with the challenges this week. I couldn't have done it without him (and he couldn't have done it without me).

*****

When I was taking Christy home last night, we stopped at our favorite local wine bar (Chateau Thomas Winery) for a wine tasting to cap off the night. We know most of the employees there and they know our taste quite well and we hardly even have to select our wines to taste- they know our tastes and will choose for us. So we are chatting with a couple of the employees there and one of them asks, "Did you both do the Monumental 5K last weekend?" Yes, we did. Turns out, she gets the newsletter that FitCity sends out every week and she had read my blog post about the race. She had recognized us from our pictures when she saw the blog post- she knew we were Chateau Thomas regulars. I joked that she was my first official "fan." And she agreed!

*****

I hope you enjoy your Saturday. Thanks to Teagan's great choices on Friday, I know we will have a lot of fun!!

Yet Another Crack Down

Warning- long post ahead. Go make some popcorn, get your morning coffee, grab a snack or something to drink. You'll be here a while.

We've got yet another situation where Jeff and I have to step into the roll of very strict parents. The crackdown, no tolerance types. It's no fun and I get very aggravated and frustrated when our plans get trashed because of the choices of a single child in my home.

I'll start at the beginning.

Tuesday morning, I got an e-mail from the head of Teagan's school. There was a problem and she wanted to talk to me about it. I called in that morning. Teagan has been bullying her classmates. She's not just bullying one kid. There is a list of kids. In fact, I'm betting she's managed to bully every kid in her class at least once. She apparently has a gift for finding the weakness in a child and preying on it. And- the really scary part- she gets satisfaction, even happiness, from hurting others. She has made it clear to her teachers that she is fully aware of what she is choosing to do to others. She actually sets kids up so she can knock them down. It isn't just taking advantage of a situation that falls in her lap. She out and out sets kids up to specifically be cruel to them.

I was heart broken yesterday. I had shut my office door for the call. Good thing because there was about 20 minutes of fighting tears- and flat out crying- when I hung up the phone. I started off questioning how we parent her. Then wondering if she's been deeply hurt by someone and I'm not aware of it. Then wondering if there is just something wrong with her. I called Christy and asked if we could skip the gym- I really wanted comfort food and needed someone to talk to. I posted on my local moms' discussion board about it- seeking advice. I researched bullying and read articles and blog entries. I tried to call my Employee Assistance Program (complete fail- no one answered any of the phone numbers I had been given). I took some points of advice from my fellow Indy Moms. It had to be made clear to Teagan that we have a no tolerance policy when it comes to choosing to be cruel to others.

Here are some things I know about my daughter:

- When she chooses to do something, she has already got it all figured out in her head and she is now practicing to be the absolute best at whatever it is. So if she found herself being a bully, she thought about it and then went on to keep trying to do it better.

- She tests limits. In some ways, I think she wanted to see how far she could go. And she is still testing. And she will always test.

- She has an amazing flair for the dramatic. If you touch her hand while talking to her, it can trigger hysterical screaming and wailing and lead to a 45 minute meltdown that results in being sent directly to bed.

Here is something I learned about me- and this is where yesterday's post came in. I haven't accurately presented myself online. To some degree, that's on me. To some degree, it's what people choose to read. I was a little surprised at the comments that labeled me an "AP parent." I was firmly AP (attachment parenting) when my kids were babies. I believe in co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing, and so on. I also believe in gentle discipline. But I've learned (and been pretty open) that gentle discipline isn't always what works with my daughter. Yelling and the occassional spanking does happen in my home. And when I say I give my kids choices- it doesn't mean they run the show and it doesn't mean the choices are wishy washy and all positive. The choices are often "do this or I punish you" but framed in a more positive way. I know Christy, Latifa, Jeff, my mom, and many others can vouch for me. I am a pretty authoritative parent. I am pretty strict and we have consistent discipline in our home. I am a parent, not a friend. I don't like having to stick to the rules all the time but I recognize that this is what is best for my kids- especially my authority challenging daughter.

This is why my first creeping doubts with that phone call were in regards to my parenting. Was I too strict? Did Teagan feel bullied by me? Had I created this in her? Talking with Christy helped me confirm- no, I'm not too strict or cruel. I am the parent and backing off on how we run our home will lead to the kids being in charge.

Anyway, I don't like to wallow in the crappy emotional stuff for too long. I worked my way through it and decided on a plan of action with Jeff. I came home with little signs I'd made at work. Wednesday morning, I sat Teagan down and was point blank honest with her. I knew about what she'd done to so and so, so and so, and so and so. And it isn't ok. I explained my signs- "I will be kind... with my words, with my hands, with my face." I explained and engaged her in discussion about ways she'd been cruel with her words, hands/feet, and face to her friends at school. We talked about examples of ways to be kind and good to others in those areas. We talked about expectations- when you expect something from someone, that's how it should be. Mommy and Daddy expect Teagan to be kind to other people. Period. At school, at home, at church. Period. Teagan expects things from us, too. She expects to come home and have dinner, watch TV, play in the playroom, read books before bed, have stuffed animals and pillows and blankets on her bed, have clean clothes to choose from in the morning, etc. If you don't do what is expected of you, we won't provide what you are expecting either. Welcome to the concept of being grounded.

Today started out great for her at school. (I won't even go into the histrionic meltdowns we dealt with last night and this morning.) I had posted our kindness signs in various places at home and sent one to school in her backpack. Her teacher liked it so much- and it goes so well with what they already do in the classroom- that she asked Teagan to present it to the class and they posted it beside the Kindness Pledge that the kids say together every day. Perfect start to what should have been a great day for her. But things started to unravel a bit. Testing that limit to see how far she can push... what will they really tell Mommy and Daddy... when do I lose privileges at school... when do they take away things... And the sucky part of parenting kicked in right away.

Wednesday night is dinner at church night. It means no cooking or choosing dinner. It means time with my church family- friends that I really care about and who care about us. It's something we've incorporated into our weekly routine and we all look forward to it each week. Day One of the kindness plan and Teagan failed in terms of our No Tolerance stance. Which means no church. Which means come home, eat food, wash up in tub, go to bed. No books, no playtime, no fun.

Parenting is hard. Parenting is about sacrifice.

Jeff and I have to crack down into survival mode at home- we have to recognize when one of us will need to get out of the house for a while, when we will need to go out together for a bit, when we have to tag team so the other handles the discipline (Jeff is gifted at that- my temper can really flare and he can stay amazingly calm; on the flip side, when he does get pushed to the point of temper flare, I can step in and be calm- we work well together that way).

I don't have the answers. I've never tried to have the answers. I'm really pretty focused on my kids, my home, my responsibilities. My plate is over flowing as it is. I'm happy to offer advice if I've got expereince that might help but I am never going to try and tell someone else how to parent. I used to think I knew a lot. I used to think I had answers and should be listened to. Having kids of my own taught me how ignorant I really am. I think a big step in parenting is accepting how much you don't know and moving forward from there. I have a lot of knowledge and some of it helps. Some of it means nothing for my situation. Some of it is very helpful for others.

We are all doing the same thing- seeking our path and making the best choices we can with each situation we encounter.

So with all the buzzing in the media and elsewhere about bullying, I suppose I have my own little niche in it now, too. From the opposite side. From the side of a mother trying to teach her bullying child to not bully. Trying to teach empathy, compassion, kindness. Trying to stop the bully and foster the angel. My fear as a parent was always that I would someday have to deal with my kids being bullied- I never imagined that my child would BE the bully.

Wish us luck.

 

I'm An Ally and I Give A Damn and I Love God, too

Gay teen suicide has become a bit of a buzz word these days. I've been moved by videos popping up on Facebook and Twitter by celebs- gay and straight- reaching out to LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bi, trans, questioning) youth with the message "It will get better, I promise." It's an attempt at a ray of light, even a pinpoint of light, to youth who might be in a very dark place as they struggle with feelings, bullying, acceptance from others and even acceptance of themselves.

One group, The Trevor Project, is a resource for LGBTQ youth to reach out to if they are in a situation where they feel there is no way out. I spent a good amount of time on that website, reading about the project and the film that inspired it. The Trevor Project also encourages people who aren't L or G or B or T or Q- but who are allies- to be involved and supportive.

I support The Trevor Project. I'm an ally.

Months ago, Cyndi Lauper launched the Give A Damn Campaign. To "Give A Damn" means to be a straight person who supports equality for the LGBTQ community. It's a campaign to bridge the gap between straight and gay - an alliance, a co-existence, a statement of being on the same side.

I give a damn.

Yesterday, I saw a few other groups and events pop up on Facebook that appeared to be supporting these ideas. Offering hope and also an opportunity to stand up together. But one thing kept stinging me. I would visit a group page on Facebook or read a blog or read a Tweet that was a good and positive attempt at reaching out to the at risk community. And I was all for it. But then... there would be some sort of line like "we know you can't reach out to the grown ups around you or the Christians around you."

Ouch.

I understand the sentiment. Too many LGBTQ youth have turned to a trusted adult to come out or express concerns and been strongly rejected and bashed. Kids being kicked out of their homes, being told they will go to hell, being disowned. I get it. I've had gay friends be very deeply hurt by the church where they thought they were loved. I've had gay friends get bashed with Christianity as the driving force behind the hatred. I was raised being taught that homosexuality was a sin, it was wrong, it was disgusting. That never made sense to me when I stopped and started to really think about God. I believe in a loving God. I believe that God has a plan for each of us. I believe that God created each of us in love. I believe that God doesn't make mistakes. I believe that God is the only judge. I believe that God's purpose for my life is to focus on love. I believe that God loves all people- no matter who they are, what they've done, what they look like or what they believe. I believe that God is bigger and mightier than anything I can comprehend and that I don't need to have all the answers but that the few answers I have are enough.

The answer that I have... is love. All encompassing, available to everyone love. The kind of love that isn't dangerously close to hate, the kind of love that doesn't result in jumping to anger, the kind of love that isn't available to only a certain definition or population. I do not believe in "love the sinner, hate the sin." I believe we are all sinners so let's just love everyone and leave the sin determining to God. I believe that applying that statement to homosexuality is wrong because I do not believe homosexuality is a sin. Period. God loves gay people. God created gay people. God doesn't make mistakes. Being gay isn't some great temptation of the devil. Being gay is BEING. It's creation, not choice.

My passion for equality and fairness isn't just about laws and civil justice. My passion is based in my faith. My beliefs are founded in my Christianity. I have a friend- who is gay and came out as an adult and had a bad experience with his church when he came out- who has given me one of the best compliments of my life. He's told me that he wishes every gay youth could have me as a mom or have me as someone in their lives that they could turn to for love and acceptance.

But if the message being sent by these spin off efforts is to not trust Christians or adults... those of us who are Christian and adult and totally accepting and supporting of the LGBTQ community aren't being given the chance to reach out and support and love. I know that there are a lot of Christian communities where it would absolutely not be safe to turn and open up. I know there are a lot of people who say they love God who would not be a resource that would be supportive and loving. I also know that I am deeply troubled to think that a teen in my church might think they can't come to me because the online presence is telling them they can't turn to adults and Christians.

So here's what I think... let's stick with a more positive approach and message. If you are a teen or adult and you are facing some questions that scare you or trouble you about your sexuality- take the risk and talk to someone that you know loves you. If you are thinking about hurting yourself or feel like you simply don't want to exist anymore, reach out to someone. If you stop and think for a moment, I hope that there is someone within your circle that you have heard say things that indicate that they are open-minded and all-loving. If there isn't, turn to resources like The Trevor Project.

And if you are one of those Christian adults who believes that God loves everyone and that being gay isn't a sin and that want to have people know they can turn to you with what they feel is a deep, dark secret- be open and loud about. Shine your Christian light to show that you are different. Don't try and stop yourself from saying something positive about gay people. Don't be afraid to stop people when they use hateful terms in regards to gay people. Stand up for God's children and let your voice be one that reaches through that darkness to someone who needs that pinpoint of light.

You might just save a life.