Friday, August 19, 2011

On The Verge

I continue to feel like I'm wearing thin.

I come to terms with something, find peace with that level of stress.

And then something new pops up. 

I'm tired of feeling like I complain about my job too much.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm always trying to feel good about work again.

I feel like it's tough to be fully available to other things that are true priorities.

I sat in training for 2 days.  The training was excellent and I got excited about applying what I'd learned. 

But I also gained some insight into my work situation that left me feeling flustered all over again.

2 steps forward, 1 step back.  Hitting my head against the wall.

Teagan is having a hard time adjusting to her new school and I'm feeling helpless. 

It's been breaking my heart that she hasn't come home excited to go back the next day.  I was hoping that she would be bursting with stories to tell us about lunch and recess and her classroom and her new friends and her teacher and the school.  But getting her to tell us anything... I have to use my very best questioning techniques.  And I still don't feel like I have a good picture of what her day is like.

And worst of all... I feel helpless to help her.  I can see that she is struggling and hurting. 

I took her out to dinner las tnight so we could talk.  We went for sushi.  And we talked.  And there was hugging and I had to force myself not to cry at certain points in the conversation- like when she talked about the girl she'd been friendly with the day before who didn't seem interested in her that day.  Or when she lit up because she found out she'd get to visit Little Explorers on Sunday when we went for Zach's open house for pre-K... because she wants to see her Kindergarten teacher to tell her that she is the Best Teacher Teagan's Ever Had.  Or when she said she had no one to play with on the playground so she just walked around and went down the slide and tried asking to play with some of the kids but they said they weren't playing anything.

I hate this.  I hate feeling out of control at work and feeling helpless as a parent.

So I am especially grateful for where I'm going today and I am holding out high hopes for some serious letting go of stress, some focus on finding answers and action plans, some support from my church sisters, and some time with God.

Women of Faith

I think I need this jolt of rejuvenation.  I know I need to reconnect.  I've been praying and relying heavily on my faith but I need something more. 

For those who are the praying type, I could sure use some prayers this weekend. 



Mellodee said...

Are you still running? Or something else that would relieve your stress. Even walking is good for your body and spirit.

Also, Teagan has only been there 2 days. "Real" school is different than kindergarten and somehow the kids can be a little overwhelmed with all that is "new". Give her time, she will find her niche and she come home with all the stories you want. She also misses her brother. Maybe a special afterschool activity for the two of them to "catch up"????

As for work, remember nothing that we do at work will be important in 50 years. So letting job stress get the upperhand, is just not worth it. Relax and know that all things run in cycles. You don't love your job today, but maybe you will tomorrow or next week.

Remember to breathe, my friend.


Lori D said...

I can't tell you how to destress. You know exactly what you need to do. I'm sure going to the WoF was a big help. I've listened to their CD's for years and still love worshiping to God with the music in my car. Major hands in the air like ya just don't care! :)

I'll be praying that you find your center, and you find God at that center where He waits for you to cast all your cares on Him.


Alison said...

Nothing to add, just wanted to offer a virtual shoulder to lean on. Here's hoping the weekend gives you all a break and leaves you renewed for new challenges--and successes--next week.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you and T. It is hard to see your kid not happy but not be able to fix it instantly. Sometimes I swear I think it is easier when they're babies. They cry, and most of the time you can fix it right away. Problem solved. As they grow and become independent the problems get harder and harder to US to fix. Just know that you've given T the tools that will help her find the solutions, and she knows you are there to talk or to help in any way you can.

One thing I didn't mention in my blog is that H thinks her teacher is "mean". Last year her KG teacher was awesome; I was in the classroom volunteering lots of times and I never hear her raise her voice--even once. She could take control of the rowdiest of kindergartners in seconds. Apparently her new 1st grade teacher is a yeller. And H says she wishes she could have her teacher from last year. I feel like she is disappointed and feels like she is stuck with the "mean teacher" all year. I've told her all she can do is make sure she is doing the best she can and following all the rules. But I feel for her because I too had teachers like that and it sucks. So I can't wait for BTS night in a couple weeks so I can get a feel for her teacher's approach and teaching style.

Call Me Cate said...

Hang in there, Liz. With a little time and encouragement, hopefully Teagan will start to feel more comfortable. I really wish your work would settle down - Joe's in a very similar situation where he's doing too much and internal politics are keeping him from doing what needs to be done. Other than trying to compartmentalize it and finding a way to let it go when you walk out the door in the evening, I don't know what to suggest.

I hope today energizes you and refreshes your spirit.

Karen M. Peterson said...

I'm so sorry, Liz. I'm sure it's so hard for you to see Teagan having a hard time. But as someone who was often in a similar situation in school, I can assure you that she will be just fine.

C. Beth said...

Aargh, I am NOT looking forward to those TOUGH school things that come up...socially, etc. You're an awesome mama. I'm hoping Women of Faith was encouraging and that Teagan finds "her place" soon.

When I was a kid, making friends wasn't necessarily a quick or easy thing for me. But as an adult, I have empathy (partially due to those difficult social times), and I've learned a lot about friendship so that it's so much easier than it used to be. These tough times could help Teagan to be a more understanding friend as she gets older. But I know it's hard for both of you right now.

Kristi said...

Hang in there, my friend, it will get better. 1st grade is a big adjustment but remember she is only a few days in. All of the new things can be overwhelming and so it is probably hard for her to get excited. I can tell you as a parent of a 5th grader and a 3rd grader, they go to school so excited but they are so tired by the end of the day it is hard to get them to tell you anything. Give it a bit of time. It is hard for us because we are away from them all day and then you ask them what they did all day and they don't always have much to say. I felt like I was giving my kids the 3rd degree all of the time because I asked so many questions. Try asking her to tell u 3 things she liked about her day. You could even ask her to tell you a few things she didn't like (but ask that first so you end on a positive note). Trust me, I know how hard it is. I've been through it. Even when my girls have been in school for a while, they still have days where they say they didn't play with anyone, or that so and so was mean, etc. It will get better. She will feel comfortable in no time, and make some new friends and before you know it she will be happy about going to school. I see it with kids all of the time. The ones walking in the building crying every morning are the same kids who are smiling every day and bouncing down the hall by the end of the year.

By the way - I love Keagan's hair! So cute!

Kristi said...

aaack, just realized my typo - TEAGAN's hair, not Keagan! Totally a slip of the finger - sorry! : )

Mrs4444 said...

I will definitely dedicate some prayers to you and Teagan, Liz. I'm so sorry to hear that Teagan's having a rough adjustment. Hang in there--it's still so early. You're such a good mom--I'll pray that you are given wisdom to help Teagan, as well as peace. Hugs to you...