Monday, September 12, 2011

Missing the Motivation, Part 1

I've been struggling to write this post.  But a few things have happened in the past few days that have pushed me forward to face some things.

I don't want to run.

And I haven't been running.

Time is an honest factor in this dilemma.  Months and months ago, my job changed and my routine at work changed and my training took a hit before I did my first half marathon.  When I attended the informational meeting for Team In Training, I spoke to one of the employees there about my concerns about time.  I knew my job would be an issue.  I also knew that given the new demands of my job on my time, my evenings and weekends would be cram packed with family needs that I wasn't able to otherwise attend to during the week. 

Even though I knew my motivation was lacking and I knew my time wasn't truly available, i signed up anyway.  I thought signing up for something that required a big commitment would mean instant motivation for me.  I thought the pressure would encourage me.

That has backfired.

It's like my body is telling me that I should have listened to my gut.  And I should have listened to my gut before I signed up for recommitment for my Team In Training event.  I shouldn't have continued.  The fundraising is done- I have a final deposit I've been holding onto for a couple of months that takes me past my minimum required fundraising.  But my body is in no way prepared for the event. 

Late last week, a thought crossed my mind... "If I'm injured, I can't run."  And then I actually caught myself dreaming up ways I could end up with a sprained ankle or some sort of minor muscle issue that would prevent me from running.  Because being injured would be a good and valid reason for not doing the event in October.

That's sad, isn't it?  I told my friend Ashli about those thoughts this apst Sunday at church.  She looked into my eyes, grabbed me into an amazing hug, and held me and said "I release you of that burden."

And it really hit me.  I'm stupidly stubborn enough that I was willing to dream up ways of getting INJURED in order to avoid running... really, in order to avoid what feels like the humilation of quitting.  My diet has been crap, my commitment to exercise has been crap.  It's like I've been waiting for someone to give me permission to do the one thing I really hate doing- Quitting.

...Tune in tomorrow for Part 2...



Unknown said...

You know what? I don't think you have to quit. I think you have to look at it that if you go and walk when you need to and jog when you can that's OK.

That's good enough.

Because you're out there, you've raised the money, and you're moving. And that, my friend, is more than 99% of the population can say.

Hang in there....sending you some positive thoughts and hoping you get it all sorted out in your mind.

Alison said...

Or, you can give yourself permission to withdraw from this event if you plan to run another one, maybe in the spring.

On the other hand, since there's a Part 2, I bet you've already figured something out...

Call Me Cate said...

I'm going to wait for part two - you have a way of making sense of things.

C. Beth said...

I'm glad you are finding freedom...whatever that means. :)

Garret said...

I lost 30 pounds, and have gained 40. I know where you're coming from...

Karen M. Peterson said...

Sometimes we need other people to tell us what we want to hear. Because sometimes we need to hear it.

Kristin - The Goat said...

It truly is amazing the things we do to beat ourselves up about something we aren't happy about... I'm so happy that your friend told you that you were released from that burden. I am looking forward to the next installment.

Nej said...

Quitting is the hardest thing to do for someone who doesn't normally do it. Is there a time limit on the event? Can you walk it....or just jog easy here and there? Imagine the PR you'll get when you can train for one!! :-) :-)

Maybe getting out there in the middle of a group of people doing something you love will help with the motivation. If not motivation for running, maybe it will be a push in the right direction for other things you've said you've let slip?

People sign up for these things all the time, and then can't compete at the end. I've "donated" money to events here and there as I've dealt with this injury. Once you decide what you're going to do, a huge weight will be lifted.