Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Anyone else catch the alien invasion at my house yesterday?

Someone needs to alert the authorities. Roswell? I have no clue what branch of the Government can help with this information. Men in black, perhaps? It's not really a Ghostbusters type of call. But anyone who can help with things beyond the realm of understanding needs to be notified and brought in. I've discovered their secret. They don't do middle of the night, take you while you're sleeping, probe you in uncomfortable places anymore. Oh no. They are well beyond that. They are now doing social experiments. They are studying our reactions to stress. They are pushing us to see how much we can take, how far they can go. Here's how it happens. They swoop in looking all adorable and sweet. Smiling and laughing and having a great time in a chauffeured vehicle. You think of them lovingly and are enjoying your time with them. You don't see The Change. You can't feel it. It is completely undetectable. But it has to be there. It definitely happens. I believe it occurs when the 2 undercover aliens, disguised as your children, come in contact with each other. There must be a chemical reaction that happens in the air between them. They will pretend to be sweet towards one another to lull you into a false sense of joy and peace.
And within a split second, the aliens break down into mass hysteria. Tears, screaming, whining, sobbing, yelling. From happy and smiling and laughing to the most miserable person on our planet in .2 seconds. The screaming and whining will happen in your front yard, on your front porch, in your entryway, in your kitchen, and even in your living room. You will make every effort to contain the meltdown in your mass confusion over what has transpired. These little creatures looked exactly like my adorable, kind, and loving children mere moments before. But this hysteria... there was no snack, no TV show, no bribe that could contain it. It wasn't calmed by blankies or time alone in your room. It came out of nowhere and beat Jeff and I to an emotional bloody pulp.
This is how they will get us. This is how they will take over. They will appear in adorable and sweet form. They will then work their way into our brains through their shrill screams and shrieks and stomps. They will attempt to take control of our brains by demanding snacks and drinks and entertainment. They will refuse to eat what they are served and attempt to scream until given dessert. They will shriek and wail when sent to bed, vying for book reading, food, hugs, potty breaks, drinks of water, teeth brushing and anything else that might possibly delay the inevitable return to their home planet.
They are a sly and cunning lifeform. We have to be on our toes, alert, watching, prepared for anything they throw at us. It's going to get worse before it gets better. You may have seen signs in your own home. Pets aren't immune- cats and dogs vomiting up kibble and hairballs, birds shredding poop encrusted cage liners. Be warned! Be ready! They're heeee-eeere!


Sarah Brown said...

Funny.....yet sad AND TRUE=)

I have a 2 and 4 year old and ride the roller coaster of emotions daily=)

Stopping by from SITS

Eternal Lizdom said...

Our kids are the same age so you are definitely in the danger zone! Keep your eyes open for those little critters invading your family!

Lynn Freeman said...

Oh Liz.....every once in a while you post something that is just so utterly funny that I laugh and laugh until I can't read anymore. While I enjoy all of your blog entries and find them all amusing, this one is the pick of the bunch for me lately. You sure have a way with words....I had to shut my office door to read and laugh and read some more. Honest to God belly laughs out of me today - thanks. All hail to the mom with a wicked sense of humour!!

Eternal Lizdom said...

Thank you, Lynn!! All Jeff and I could do was laugh last night. It was so crazy, insane, out of control, came from nowhere, no solution... what else could we do but throw our hands up, fall to our knees and laugh??

Joanie said...

Hi Liz! Concerning dong bacon in the oven. I usually pan fry the bacon about halfway done. Then I put some paper towels on a sheet pan, and put the bacon on top. Put it in the oven for maybe 10-15 minutes at 300 (more or less depending on how long it takes to get the rest of your meal ready)

Restaurants cook bacon in the oven all the time! You just need to keep an eye on it!

Elizabeth Patch said...

HI! thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving such a wonderful comment. I'm always glad to find someone else who is speaking up on issues of positive body image & size (and who also happens to be funny!)

Garret said...

Awww shit, I have 3 aliens (2 cats and a dog) in my place. Ugh.

Oh and what Joanie said PLUS a pan with frickin' edges.

Cajoh said...

Oh, I love the pictures. You have encapsulated the entire tantrum process well. I have only witnessed it with my grandchildren, but you describe it very well.

Thank you for sharing,