When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down on your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down on your face And on your face I... Tears stream down on your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down on your face And on your face I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
Thursday, June 24, 2010
On March 1, I changed the way I care for my body. I started fueling instead of feeding. I focused on fruits and veggies as my main source of nutrition. I started the Couch to 5K running program. I signed up to run a 5K in 4 months. I started to really focus on running. The Couch to 5K program made it easy. Even when I hit a hurdle, I knew I was giving myself 4 months and not just the 9 weeks to get to a point where I could run 3.1 miles. 2 weeks ago, I was fighting the mental game and wondering if I would get there. Then, last Tuesday or Wednesday, I did something to my leg or knee or hip or IT band or who knows what. I iced it, I got a brace, I went for a sports massage, I took it easy on exercise (even taking about 4 days off completely). It isn't better. I tried to run at lunch today. This was it- Christy and I were going to run the 3.1 miles on a neighborhood course. I felt ready. I was a little uncertain of my leg but figured I'd just pay attention to my body and I'd know if I needed to stop or if I was fine. I seemed fine. Until about... 1.25 miles in to the run. And my body quit. I tried a few more times. I was using everything I had in my brain to overcome what I hoped to just be a mental fake out. I finally stopped close to where the route started. I sat in the shade and stretched and started rubbing my knees. There is definite pain in my left knee. It definitely felt very different from my right knee. I sat and waited for Christy (who very awesomely ran the 3.1 route- whohoo!!). And I tried not to dwell on it. At the gym, it hit me. I fought the tears- I lost the fight. A few times. It is overwhelming to me to think that I won't be able to run the entire course on Saturday. It is outside of my comprehension to think that I should possibly even consider not running at all. This is the goal I set 4 months ago. This is what I've been working towards. This is why I've been training. This is how and why I lost weight. This was the event where I was going to prove to myself that I can run, that I can completely change myself, that I can do things I never dreamed I'd do. And that seems to be slipping from my grasp. The race is less than 2 days away. And I am at my desk, icing and nursing a hurting knee. Believe me- I am proud of everything I've done the past 4 months. I know that there are other races. I know that there are other things I can work toward. I know that there are other goals I can set. I know that I have to take care of my body, my knees, and so on. But it still stings that this little goal is slipping away and there isn't much I can do about it. I'm not quitting. I refuse to quit. I'll do everything I can to get my knee as rested and healthy as possible by Saturday and I will do the 5K. I'm still clinging to the hope that my knee issue popped up strong today because there were a couple of little hills in this neighborhood... the race is on a flat set of roads so maybe... I'm not going to blow my knee out or anything. I'm not that stubborn or crazy. But I'm not going down without a fight. Coldplay's "Fix You" is a song I recently discovered thanks to a cover by Straight No Chaser. It's brought me some comfort this afternoon.