Wednesday, October 13, 2010
I Was Wrong
Jeff and I both had a rough morning yesterday. We were frustrated and it led to anger and we weren't very nice to each other. The details are unimportant. What is important is that I was wrong. Not in my argument. But in how I let my anger impact my kids. I was mad and frustrated and angry and I let all of that be first. My kids wanted hugs and kisses- which I gave them as they were getting strapped in to go to school. But because of the anger and stress playing out for about 3-4 minutes in front of them... they needed more physical reassurance that things were ok and that they were still loved. I failed them because I stayed focused on my being mad instead of giving them what they were seeking. I tried... but Jeff and I both failed as a team. We're better now. We've made up and I fixed my part of things with the kids. I have a plan in place to make the morning go smoother and reduce the frustration and avoid boiling down to anger. I'm human. We all have times when we make choices we aren't proud of and I definitely had my moment yesterday morning as my kids were crying for hugs and kisses and my husband was racing off with them strapped in carseats. The important thing is what we learn from it and how we work to make it right. I think it's good for kids to see parents argue and disagree and even fight. But most important is for kids to see how parents make up and compromise and get along again. Most important is making things right again between each other and between the family as an entire unit. Negativity flowing from one person impacts all in the family unit. And it can be an ugly and fast spreading disease. Figuring out how to stop it when it's flowing is a challenge and not something I can do by myself. I was wrong. And I'm working to do better.
That happened to John and me while on vacation. My frustration about something trivial led to both of us getting into really bad moods. It took a while to shake off, but I got to see for the first time what John is like when he's mad at me. Not terrible or scary, but unsettling.
I'm happy you got everything settled.
You are really wise Liz! Truly! I say that all the time. I think it is good for kids to know that life isn't always perfect. I had friends that had parents that never fought or raised their voices and I always thought it was a little odd. Everything was always PERFECT. And you know what? They aren't married anymore. Life isn't perfect. It is good for us to show our kids that we are real and fallible hummans.
You know what? Before you're a mommy, you're a person. And everybody needs an opportunity to be perfectly selfish with their emotions once in a while. It's ok for your kids to know that sometimes Mommy comes first. Not an easy lesson to learn, but an important part of learning to respect others' needs. (And maybe Zach's a bit young to figure that out yet...but life's kinda messy that way.)
You are teaching your kids a great lesson in dealing with conflict. Well done.
We all mess up, but not all of us try to fix our mistakes.
Having grown up in a house where my parents didn't resolve disagreements well (ending in divorce) and both of them having married better-suited partners, I was able to see the "what not to do" and the "what to do" sides of partner arguing. Both of my parents learned from their mistakes during their marriage to each other and applied them to their 2nd marriages - which are both healthy and strong. This all happened as I was about 13- perfect for setting a great example to go into dating. I think I'm a better wife today because of the example they set. So. . .long way to say it. . .Agreed. Kids should see healthy arguements and resolution while also surrounded with love.
Goodness, well said, Liz. I always hate it when I let frustration get the best of me. It's like I become the worst version of myself:( Bad mood & attitude IS like a disease like you mentioned....it affects everyone, ESPECIALLY when it comes from the main woman in the house. Looking back, I remember as a kid that I reflected on my mom for feelings. You are such an inspiration because you are always working on yourself, and have a honorable heart to admit when you should have done something different. That's what we learn from you, and that's what your kids will carry from you, too! They're going to get into bad moods someday, and now they'll know HOW to not let it affect those around them- and apologize if it does.
Since becoming a mom, I've realized the hardest part of that role is that my daughter causes me to see myself & my heart/character/person in a transparent, crystal clear fashion, and I sometimes don't like what I see! For example, I want her to be self-disciplined and compassionate. But am I?? Of course that's only the tip of the iceberg. Due to the mom role, I constantly assess if my intentions are pure, in a way I never assessed before.
Sorry to ramble....you are AWESOME! And thanks for letting us peak into your life so we can become better, too!
Post a Comment