Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Positive Anger Explosion

Almost through the book!! If you want to catch up... I'm doing a parenting audit, of sorts. I'm whipping my disciplinary butt back into shape. It started here. And here are links to the various posts that I've done as I re-read through the book again (for the third time). The book I'm reading is The Only Three Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need. *** The Positive Anger Explosion Kids do things and we will feel angry. It happens. How we react, how we handle it is the important thing. Pushing down the anger, the irritation doesn't work in the long run. It generally results in an emotional explosion leaving you feeling out of control. But if you have a tool that allows you to express your anger, irritability, annoyance... you can express yourself, handle the situation, and your child learns from it, too. Win-win-win! Step 1- The Anger Delivery Statement Describe the situation. Describe how you are feeling. Describe the desired outcome. For an easy type situation, it might sound something like this: "Teagan, I found your wet towel on my bed. It's still there. I'm feeling angry. Your towel belongs on the hook in your bedroom." Describe the situation. Keep it simple, descriptive. Not accusatory, not character bashing. Nothing is said about the child, only about the situation. Just the fact, ma'am. Describe how you are feeling. Again, keep it simple. "I statements." Not "you are making me feel." Also important are using descriptive feeling words. This sets an example for your kids, too. Helps them build their own feeling vocabulary so they aren't just stuck in the "I'm fine" routine. Words like... irritated, angry, discouraged, impatient, annoyed. Describe the desired outcome. It isn't a directive, it isn't an order. Not "Go hang up your towel." Instead, describe what needs to happen. What if they don't do it? That's the age old question, isn't it? What if it feels like the only way to get through to your child is to yell, threaten, take away privileges? The authors give a checklist. Does it work? Is it respectful? Does it help you become the parent you want to be? What are you teaching? I can say for certain that when I yell, lose my temper, get snappy and snippy... I am not being respectful, I am not being the parent I want to be, and I don't like what I am teaching. So it may "work" in as much as it gets the kids to do what I want them to do. But 1 "yes" out of 4 questions is a failing grade in my book. If you use the Positive Anger Explosion and your child still doesn't do what is needed... go back to the other 2 strategies! You've described the situation, you've stated your feelings, and you've stated the desired outcome. A reasonable amount of time later, it still isn't done. Instead of giving up on our strategies, go back to the first 2. Try the One Minute Behavior Modifier. Or the Dynamic Discipline Equation. You've "exploded your anger positively" and now you have the opportunity to move past the emotion and dig into the fix. The final chapter in the book is "Putting It All Together." How do you know which strategy to use and when? Do you start with one and move to another? They are all important and they can be used interchangeably at any time. Sometimes, your Positive Anger Explosion will lead to the other strategies. Sometimes you start with the One Minute Modifier and go on to the Discipline Equation. To wrap up all of this discussion, I'd like to share the final paragraph from the book. No one does perfect parenting. No one gets perfect parenting. What all children deserve most is a parent who works at improving his or her attitude and actions in regard to the important responsibility of being a parent. Use this book to refine your skills. Practice. Improve. And continue to grow along with your children. They're worth it and so are you! *** The Giveaway!!! Flartus, Mrs4444, Lisa, Tom, Mary Ellen, Jackie, Heather, Amy, C. Beth, and Kristi All 10 of you win!! Provided you sincerely want a copy of this book, I'm more than delighted to share this. So please leave a comment or drop me an e-mail (gentlemomlc (a) gmail). If you send me your name and addy, I will send a book your way!!


Anonymous said...

oh wow! i am so excited! granted, i don't have kids, but HEY, it is NEVER too early to start reading about discipline. And I'm sure it will stick with me over the course of the next couple of years when I DO have lots of babies! :)

I'll shoot you an email.

ps: i really like that you aren't saying, "you make me feel" because i think that kids get the wrong impressions from that statement and it can hurt them in the long run.

darsden said...

I was here :-))