Monday, February 2, 2009

Day 4: Love is thoughtful

Daily Reading

"Love thinks. It's not a mindless feeling that rides on waves of emotion and falls asleep mentally."

I find myself disagreeing with a lot in this reading because it says that men are this way and women are this way... and I always have a hard time with that. In my own marriage, we tend to be the opposite in those roles. More accurately, we both tend to be in the middle of the male/female spectrum. So we each have times when we are more literal and each have times when we want the other to "read between the lines." Today's entry in the book really focuses on the differences between men and women. I'd hoped the book could be more universally applied to intimate relationships, too. And I think it still can. You just have to step outside the box and recognize that it is 2 people who make up a relationship and not focus on the gender of the people in it and not label behaviors based on the gender!

For example:

"A husband should listen to his wife and learn to be considerate of her unspoken messages. A wife should learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another."

I think that both of those "shoulds" swing both ways. I need my husband to be open and honest with me, to tell me what he wants and needs. We've certainly had fights where I've told him that I can't read his mind.

Instead, I think the focus for thoughtfulness should be on being open and honest in your communicate while still being positive and kind and patient.

Today's Dare

Check in with your spouse at some point with no other purpose than to see how their day is going and see if there is anything you can do for them.


"What did you learn about yourself or your spouse by doing this today? How could this become a more natural, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle?"

Have to admit that this is one we already do... we talk to each other a couple of times each day, for no reason other than seeing how the day is going... so no real challenge here today. But good to reflect on why it is important!


Mim said...

I've been doing a lot of asking Adam if he's OK lately. He had an operation on his toe last Thursday to remove a very icky ingrown toenail so he's needed a bit of extra looking after for that.

He's also been having to deal with his mum's alcoholism and has been taking her to counseling. He comes back after being with her very tense and uncommunicative, it takes a fair bit of coaxing to get him to talk about it and I'm wary of projecting my usual need to talk about stuff onto him by assuming that talking will help. I think it does help.

One of the first things David asks me every afternoon when I pick him up from school is "How was your day Mum?" He actually wants to know too, can't be fobbed off with "It was OK", it's quite nice :)

Liz said...

Mim, something I've had to learn and still struggle with in my marriage... is figuring out when to stop asking. I like to talk, too. More than that, I like to listen. And I find that I'm too quick to do 2 things... push him to talk when he isn't ready (he really needs processing and digesting time) and try to problem solve when he isn't looking for solutions (this generally applies to when he is venting about work stress).

I've had that ingrown toenail thing done. Whew! I feel his pain! But it makes all the difference in the world!

Love that David is so in tune with you, too!!

Kristin said...

My husband and I just watch the movie last night. I decided to order the book for us. I will be popping in to see how the love dare has changed your lives and share how it has changed ours.